The average Flog contains at least one of the following: a self-righteous assault on someone or something I have noticed and started to despise, the defence of somebody I might consider being treated harshly at the time of writing, one reference to Martin Keown being a crazed, skin-hungry murderer, and about seventy-two thousand words regarding the hilarious appearance or animal-likeness of somebody in football. Not wanting to disappoint, let’s talk about Mark Lawrenson.
Match of the Day 2 manages to round off the weekend action so well that it leaves the warm feeling that your week at work won’t be that unbearable as long as Gary Lineker and Colin Murray are at the end of it, smiling and matey and making it all okay again. Missed a deadline on that report? Here are some fun things you might have missed! Given a verbal warning for lateness? Here’s the rest of Saturday’s action! Debbie from accounts filed a sexual harassment claim against you? Here’s Lee Dixon’s tactical view!
This week, someone must have cancelled on the big white sofa because the ever-melancholic Lawrenson was drafted in, and by the looks of his clothes it was straight out of his bed, which incidentally was made out of old bins and dead cats. He would have made a hobo feel like Kate Moss.
Apart from the incredible exploding fringe that calls his head home, he turned up in old jeans and a shirt that was working so hard it forced Carlos Tevez to think about bucking up his ideas. Sadly the footwear was out of shot, but if I had to guess by going on the rest of his ensemble, it’s likely he had nothing on but a pair of holey socks with an oily toe proudly sticking out. No wonder Dixon was as far away from him as possible; he probably had to provide an analysis of the Man City versus Arsenal game with a big yellow toenail eyeing him up.
I know the Beeb has relaxed its expectations since the early days of dinner jackets and straight-forward, no nonsense haircuts but surely there is a limit. Ginola wouldn’t have got away with that when on the show, and not only has he earned the right to be blasé about his appearance, he’s FRENCH.
Furthermore, Ginola was charming and insightful. Lawrenson addresses each question on Football Focus as if you’ve just disturbed him wanking even though he put a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on his door handle. It’s a sort of sarcastic embarrassment at even being acknowledged, a surly defence mechanism that instinctively kicks in whenever he is engaged in conversation. It’s all very well acting like that with new boy Dan Walker and the nicer-than-nice Murray, but I bet he freezes around Lineker and Hansen. That’s not to even mention Keown (be warned, three times in a mirror spells trouble). Pussy.
Perhaps he has lost his love of the game. Maybe he was in love with Des Lynam until he left for ITV. Then, just as he was getting over it, off went Adrian Chiles in the same direction. His guarded approach to Walker and Murray might be down to not wanting to get hurt again. They’ll leave. They ALWAYS leave.
Or maybe we should all just be thinking, as a friend put it via text to me during the Spain vs Germany game at the World Cup: ‘Why is this cunt still on tv?’ Quite.
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