Flog - WORST. WORLD CUP. EVER.

That's right. Worst. World Cup. Ever. And it’s not an exaggeration, it’s just fact, probably. For as much as I can moan and complain, I haven’t actually done the research to back it up. You know, with facts and things. To make matters worse the soundtrack of the entire tournament has been an angry set of bees, which everyone has either embraced or despised, making the Vuvuzela the South African version of Marmite.
As for England, it’s gone pretty much as bad as we could have feared. It seems Fabio Capello has begun his first World Cup in the guise of Mike Bassett and Wayne Rooney, looking more like an angry kiwi fruit every day, has failed to shine in the way we had hoped. Hopefully he finds the footage of himself leaving the pitch against Algeria and publicly venting his anger at the fans as cringe worthy as I do.
So. Plenty of talking points, despite the awful negativity of the football and the noisy Marmite trumpets. Which is good news for television pundits, and therefore VERY bad news for us. I am suffering, readers. I cannot stand the drone of our ‘experts’ a moment longer. Though the mainstays of the sofas- Shearer, Hansen, Townsend et al- blend into the background of the BBC and ITV’s coverage, the new boys have been drafted in, seemingly at random, and have so far been less than inspiring.
With them come the co-commentators, who again have been a mixed bag from regulars to plucky newcomers. Here is a rundown of the best and worst from in front of the camera to behind the microphone, sitting next to Simon Brotherton, freezing their tits off at a night game:

Jim Beglin: the safest pair of hands ITV have in terms of co-commentators. Has had to listen to Clive Tyldsley’s endless creti-logues (cretin monologues) and has so far been able to resist throwing him from the highest tier of the stadium. Gets extra bonus points purely for not being David Pleat.

Craig Burley: brought over from ESPN with his mate Jon Champion and the partnership works. Joked during the Netherlands v Japan game about getting a Vuvuzela for the kids which led to mild flirting with Champion. Watch this space.

Edgar Davids: seems to have spent most of the time sliding further down his chair. Choice of trousers questionable. Glasses are so 2004. Has offered little by way of tactical know-how but spent most of his career kicking people in the air so comes as little surprise.

Emmanuel Adebayor: WHAT?

Chris Coleman: WHY?

Mark Bright: the worst thing to ever happen to television. Gasps at everything, talks over the main commentator, patronises smaller nations and criticises major ones when they don’t do things EXACTLY how he wants. Makes random noises at every available opportunity. Best quote: ‘The ball’s gone out. Now Australia need to defend. It did go out didn’t it? Is it a corner? A throw? Yeah, thought so, a throw. I thought he’d given a corner.’ Smug and irrelevant. Unaware that he probably has no friends.

Patrick Vieira: calm. Almost too calm. Talks as if being permanently massaged. Seems to be there simply to seduce Adrian Chiles into sticking to the point. Failed this far.

Clarence Seedorf: excellent, excellent, excellent. Articulate and natural. The opposite of Bright, happily.

Mick McCarthy: accusing the current World Champions Italy of playing ‘parasitic football’ puts you top of my list, Mick. Honest with a hint of mental illness.

Robbie Earle: whoops. Probably bored ITV and FIFA chiefs half to death. Easier to sack than keep. Awful and gave perfect excuse to get rid after a 7 year slog of melancholy.

Let’s hope the football picks up…