After the Algeria game last Friday, Danny Baker said it was typical of the English to perform an ‘autopsy before we have a body’. He’s right. But now we have a body. Though it might have to be identified through its dental records, because England were destroyed and hacked to pieces so fine it would make a member of CSI: Miami hold back the vomit.
Germany’s victory was no revenge; it was too simple for that.
The irony of England’s second ‘goal’ is laid on so thick it’s chewable. How far over the line Lampard’s effort was is perhaps a testament to how much the German’s hurt has grown since Geoff Hurst, the Russian linesman and 1966 and all that. Inches back then, literally feet now.
But that would be papering over the cracks.
During the post-match analysis the dismay of Lee Dixon was so clear it almost reached out and punched you like a Leona Lewis fan. While his hands covered his face, the second German goal was repeated for Hansen and Shearer to describe and cringe over. A man with 22 England caps- 4 less than Glen Johnson- was physically hiding from the defending England showed. Dixon usually struggles to get through any analysis without referring to his Arsenal days, with Winterburn, Adams and Keown, but there was no comparison for him today. The English defence looked like the sprint team for the sloth Olympics.
Gareth Barry showed exactly why it has taken almost eight years for him to be considered a fully capable international. His lack of pace was exposed with a simple attempted foul on Ozil for the German’s third and crucial goal. It would have been classed as a professional foul if he has made contact, the fact that he didn’t exposed more about the English team; we can’t even cheat properly.
Lampard was as flat as he has been for his entire international career, and Gerrard looked as uncomfortable as expected, being a central attacking midfielder being asked to play left wing and be the team’s captain at the same time. How can Gerrard be expected to perform his leadership duties when he is not even allowed to perform those most natural to him?
Rooney was subdued and has a lot to learn at this level. Let’s just leave it at that for the Manchester United striker.
So what now? Every competition England has been in for the last decade- perhaps more- has had a positive to take out of it. The emergences of Rooney and Owen in past tournaments gave us our silver lining- so where is it now?
There isn’t one. And why? Because the risk factor wasn’t there.
Capello failed to enforce his original regime of picking players on merit. Or rather he did, but the merits of years past. Gerrard and Lampard are obvious choices for their clubs, and of England teams of the past, but it simply wasn’t good enough to out-play and out-tactic Germany.
Ozil was a star of the last U-21 championship tournament in Sweden. He didn’t single-handedly destroy England but only because those around him were available to help. Can we seriously rely on Lampard and Gerrard when their insurance policy is Gareth Barry?
Martin Samuel of the Daily Mail raised the point that the footballing youth of England play on standard 11 a-side pitches from an impossible age, resulting in long ball tactics and over-reliance on physical strength. This system means in a decade we will have two Emile Heskeys up front not just one. Spanish youngsters play 7 a-side until they are 14. It’s not even judgement anymore, its fucking science. Good thing Trevor Brooking dismissed this argument then.
This wasn’t out golden generation; it was the Premiership’s. Spain’s dominance in the transfer market may mean England’s top flight suffer in terms of revenue, but if they really cared they would pump money into the talents such as the England national team in 2014. If not, the last 16 might be celebrated like Capello did for very different reasons.
Hart, Richards, Mancienne, Rodwell, Gibbs, Walcott, Milner, Cattermole, Johnson, Rooney, Wickham.
2014?
27 June 2010
19 June 2010
Flog - WORST. WORLD CUP. EVER.
That's right. Worst. World Cup. Ever. And it’s not an exaggeration, it’s just fact, probably. For as much as I can moan and complain, I haven’t actually done the research to back it up. You know, with facts and things. To make matters worse the soundtrack of the entire tournament has been an angry set of bees, which everyone has either embraced or despised, making the Vuvuzela the South African version of Marmite.
As for England, it’s gone pretty much as bad as we could have feared. It seems Fabio Capello has begun his first World Cup in the guise of Mike Bassett and Wayne Rooney, looking more like an angry kiwi fruit every day, has failed to shine in the way we had hoped. Hopefully he finds the footage of himself leaving the pitch against Algeria and publicly venting his anger at the fans as cringe worthy as I do.
So. Plenty of talking points, despite the awful negativity of the football and the noisy Marmite trumpets. Which is good news for television pundits, and therefore VERY bad news for us. I am suffering, readers. I cannot stand the drone of our ‘experts’ a moment longer. Though the mainstays of the sofas- Shearer, Hansen, Townsend et al- blend into the background of the BBC and ITV’s coverage, the new boys have been drafted in, seemingly at random, and have so far been less than inspiring.
With them come the co-commentators, who again have been a mixed bag from regulars to plucky newcomers. Here is a rundown of the best and worst from in front of the camera to behind the microphone, sitting next to Simon Brotherton, freezing their tits off at a night game:
Jim Beglin: the safest pair of hands ITV have in terms of co-commentators. Has had to listen to Clive Tyldsley’s endless creti-logues (cretin monologues) and has so far been able to resist throwing him from the highest tier of the stadium. Gets extra bonus points purely for not being David Pleat.
Craig Burley: brought over from ESPN with his mate Jon Champion and the partnership works. Joked during the Netherlands v Japan game about getting a Vuvuzela for the kids which led to mild flirting with Champion. Watch this space.
Edgar Davids: seems to have spent most of the time sliding further down his chair. Choice of trousers questionable. Glasses are so 2004. Has offered little by way of tactical know-how but spent most of his career kicking people in the air so comes as little surprise.
Emmanuel Adebayor: WHAT?
Chris Coleman: WHY?
Mark Bright: the worst thing to ever happen to television. Gasps at everything, talks over the main commentator, patronises smaller nations and criticises major ones when they don’t do things EXACTLY how he wants. Makes random noises at every available opportunity. Best quote: ‘The ball’s gone out. Now Australia need to defend. It did go out didn’t it? Is it a corner? A throw? Yeah, thought so, a throw. I thought he’d given a corner.’ Smug and irrelevant. Unaware that he probably has no friends.
Patrick Vieira: calm. Almost too calm. Talks as if being permanently massaged. Seems to be there simply to seduce Adrian Chiles into sticking to the point. Failed this far.
Clarence Seedorf: excellent, excellent, excellent. Articulate and natural. The opposite of Bright, happily.
Mick McCarthy: accusing the current World Champions Italy of playing ‘parasitic football’ puts you top of my list, Mick. Honest with a hint of mental illness.
Robbie Earle: whoops. Probably bored ITV and FIFA chiefs half to death. Easier to sack than keep. Awful and gave perfect excuse to get rid after a 7 year slog of melancholy.
Let’s hope the football picks up…
As for England, it’s gone pretty much as bad as we could have feared. It seems Fabio Capello has begun his first World Cup in the guise of Mike Bassett and Wayne Rooney, looking more like an angry kiwi fruit every day, has failed to shine in the way we had hoped. Hopefully he finds the footage of himself leaving the pitch against Algeria and publicly venting his anger at the fans as cringe worthy as I do.
So. Plenty of talking points, despite the awful negativity of the football and the noisy Marmite trumpets. Which is good news for television pundits, and therefore VERY bad news for us. I am suffering, readers. I cannot stand the drone of our ‘experts’ a moment longer. Though the mainstays of the sofas- Shearer, Hansen, Townsend et al- blend into the background of the BBC and ITV’s coverage, the new boys have been drafted in, seemingly at random, and have so far been less than inspiring.
With them come the co-commentators, who again have been a mixed bag from regulars to plucky newcomers. Here is a rundown of the best and worst from in front of the camera to behind the microphone, sitting next to Simon Brotherton, freezing their tits off at a night game:
Jim Beglin: the safest pair of hands ITV have in terms of co-commentators. Has had to listen to Clive Tyldsley’s endless creti-logues (cretin monologues) and has so far been able to resist throwing him from the highest tier of the stadium. Gets extra bonus points purely for not being David Pleat.
Craig Burley: brought over from ESPN with his mate Jon Champion and the partnership works. Joked during the Netherlands v Japan game about getting a Vuvuzela for the kids which led to mild flirting with Champion. Watch this space.
Edgar Davids: seems to have spent most of the time sliding further down his chair. Choice of trousers questionable. Glasses are so 2004. Has offered little by way of tactical know-how but spent most of his career kicking people in the air so comes as little surprise.
Emmanuel Adebayor: WHAT?
Chris Coleman: WHY?
Mark Bright: the worst thing to ever happen to television. Gasps at everything, talks over the main commentator, patronises smaller nations and criticises major ones when they don’t do things EXACTLY how he wants. Makes random noises at every available opportunity. Best quote: ‘The ball’s gone out. Now Australia need to defend. It did go out didn’t it? Is it a corner? A throw? Yeah, thought so, a throw. I thought he’d given a corner.’ Smug and irrelevant. Unaware that he probably has no friends.
Patrick Vieira: calm. Almost too calm. Talks as if being permanently massaged. Seems to be there simply to seduce Adrian Chiles into sticking to the point. Failed this far.
Clarence Seedorf: excellent, excellent, excellent. Articulate and natural. The opposite of Bright, happily.
Mick McCarthy: accusing the current World Champions Italy of playing ‘parasitic football’ puts you top of my list, Mick. Honest with a hint of mental illness.
Robbie Earle: whoops. Probably bored ITV and FIFA chiefs half to death. Easier to sack than keep. Awful and gave perfect excuse to get rid after a 7 year slog of melancholy.
Let’s hope the football picks up…
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