Flog - Terry, Wembley, Harry, Ugly.

Some stories from the world of football that you may have missed:

John Terry eats child

Ex-England Captain and serial penis put-er-about-er John Terry has been further disgraced this week as several newspapers report spotting him eating a toddler in a London restaurant. The child, thought to be aged between three and six and who can not be named, was induced after Terry’s main meal took too long to be cooked. ‘He was so calm,’ said one onlooker, ‘I checked the menu to see if raw infant was a dish, and was even more shocked when I discovered it wasn’t. He just seemed so hungry.’ Despite an apparently large appetite, Terry was unable to eat past the child’s shins, leaving two stumps of leg for the press to get hold of and sell for thousands of pounds. The child’s mother is in talks with Max Clifford over a possible front-page story and ITV drama series. Terry has refused to comment tonight.

FA Cup Final to be played at 58 Evans Close

Sensational news from FA headquarters in Soho as Lord Triesman announces the FA Cup Final venue has been changed to Kent resident Edna Penick’s back garden, less than a month before it is due to be played. ‘Out of all the venues, 58 Evans Close seemed the obvious choice’, Triesman told the Sunday Times. ‘After several complaints about the pitch at Wembley, we chose a ground we thought would be in the best interest of both clubs playing in the final’. Ms. Penick’s garden was chosen after she told FA officials that she has ‘never’ slipped over and that she has catered for large groups of people before. ‘Never 90,000’, said the 73 year old, ‘but Christmas certainly is strenuous’. Portsmouth manager Avram Grant and Chelsea boss Carlo Ancelotti have both reacted to the news by installing ponds at their respective training grounds. ‘Just to be sure’, said Grant.

Redknapp defends unofficial player ‘sackings’

Spurs boss Harry Redknapp has denied making ‘mountains out of molehills’ when it comes to minor discrepancies within his squad in the wake of David Bentley being put up for sale for taking the last biscuit during a team lunch on Tuesday. Speaking at the Spurs Lodge training ground immediately after the incident, Redknapp told reporters: ‘Unfortunately, despite being a great lad, you know, David should realise he can’t do this sort of thing as a player.’ He continued: ‘Kids look up to him and they’ll be pinching the last biscuit off everyone’s plates now, so David unfortunately wont be playing for Tottenham again, certainly not in the near future. It’s a shame, like I said he’s a great lad. Always first on the training ground, last off it. It’s unfortunate, but you don’t take the last biscuit. Not at my club. Two points, eight games, and he goes and does that’. Bentley’s effective ‘sacking’ comes after striker Robbie Keane was sent on loan to Celtic to ‘think about what he’s done’ for parking his car in in Redknapp’s parking space, whereas full-back Benoit Essou-Ekotto was sent home early when the manager found out he used his pen to sign an autograph. ‘A biro is a biro,’, Redknapp told Football Focus.

Kuyt opens floodgates for other Premiership stars and comes clean: ‘I’m not real’.

Ex-decent striker-cum-winger Dirk Kuyt has laid to rest years of speculation by admitting he is actually not a real human. ‘I’m no animal, I’m just simply not real’ said the Dutchman. ‘I am technically more boar than man’. Kuyt was speaking in a frank press conference set up by Rafa Benitez to help shift focus off Liverpool’s terrible season however it is thought many more Premiership stars may soon follow Kuyt’s lead. Mounting reports are suggesting that Spurs midfielder Wilson Palacios is actually a hippo and veteran defender Gary Neville has just been a number of cats taped together for his entire career, whereas Blackburn’s Christopher Samba has been rumoured not to be living at all and is in fact just a caravan in a pair of shorts. Rovers’ manager Sam Allardyce was unavailable for comment last night but is thought to have booked an urgent meeting with the defender in a warehouse just outside Blackburn.