Some news stories you may have missed from the world of football recently:
Jamie O’Hara declares he ‘hopes some of the Spurs team die’.
On-loan Portsmouth midfielder has ‘let down’ his parent club Tottenham by declaring he ‘hopes some, not all, of the team die, so I can get a game’. Club manager Harry Redknapp said; ‘I understand where Jamie is coming from, but he’s got to remember he’s still a Tottenham player, and I’ll have a word with him about it. He’s a smashing lad, really t’riffic, but this a bit much.’ O’Hara later said he could ‘see where confusion may have happened’.
Portsmouth publish chocolate financial documents
Stricken Premiership basement club Portsmouth have finally released statements regarding their financial year, however they have had to carve the figures into chocolate. They are thought to be ranging from Dairy Milk to Twix bars and are believed to have been left by Ali al-Faraj, the club’s second owner of this season. Manager Avram Grant stated that al-Faraj ‘must have spent all his money on confectionary rather than investing in the future of the club’ and that producing the figures on the bars was their way of ‘getting some revenge’. al-Faraj was unavailable to comment yesterday but was said to be looking ‘sad’ when leaving his mansion in the early hours. ‘He had a chocolate dream for Pompey’ said one of his advisors, ‘he thought it would entice players in’.
Wenger launches new campaign
Netball-theorist Arsene Wenger has teamed up with the Daily Mirror to kick-start the War Against Tackling campaign in the hope that all slides, shoulder barges and general contact will be wiped from the sport within the next decade. Wenger said; ‘I’m so happy an established British newspaper like the Mirror has pledged it’s support for this cause. They have done so much for other issues, like their ‘No means No’ campaign against sexual assault, that they seemed the obvious choice.’ It is thought the newspaper narrowly beat a bid from the Daily Mail due to ‘numerous cultural differences’ between the club’s playing staff and every one of the ideologies the newspaper holds.
Dean Windass announces retirement from speaking
Former Bradford and Hull forward Dean Windass has sensationally retired from all forms of speech after repeatedly struggling to form coherent sentences in the past few months. ‘The time’s right,’ he told Sky Sports News. ‘Football was…good…but speaking was the next thing best, so I went into television and…stuff…’ Clearly emotional, his last words of the press conference simply read ‘I wont speak again, starting NOW. Except that. Except that as well. From when I say now, okay? NOW.’ Windass is looking into coaching roles in deaf schools.
Messi cuts self, world debt in half
Barcelona wide man Lionel Messi was left as ‘stunned as everyone else’ when doctors told him his blood can cure disease, cause inflation-resistant currency increases and that he ‘sweats world peace regularly.’ Messi told La Marca; ‘I was so shocked, I just sat and smiled really nicely, it was so lovely to know I could do all this, and as a midget as well.’ Doctors discovered the amazing feat after Messi suffered a mild graze on his knee when playing on the swings in his local park. ‘I thought it was infected’, claimed the Argentine, ‘but it turns out the green was just a crikey-load of US Dollars’. The UN has given him free roam of the world, effective immediately.
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