Some news stories from the world of football that you may have missed this week:
Dimitar Berbatov sued by The Smiths
Manchester United striker Dimitar Berbatov is soon to be stripped of his melancholic personality should a lawsuit led by 1980’s band The Smiths succeed. The dispute came to light after lead singer Morrissey, 50, laid claim to the downcast emotion’s image rights and it is thought he has consulted legal aid in order to stop the Bulgarian feeling it altogether. Berbatov has repeatedly been shown sulking, whinging and moaning in recent months as his United career continues to stall.
‘All we want is to have what is rightfully ours,’ Morrissey told the Daily Mail. He confirmed; ‘That might mean taking Dimitar to court, yes’. When asked what time frame is to be expected over the decision, it is reported that he simply said ‘now’ and that he ‘had already waited too long’.
The move is likely to spark a flurry of similar claims throughout football. Within hours of the story breaking last night, rumours that emerged ranged from Tory peers suing Brian Laws over ridiculous promotions to Holby City taking Blackburn Rovers to court over the sense of boredom. ‘It’s nonsense,’ Laws told Sky Sports News, ‘I completely deserve to be in the position I am, as do Burnley Football Club.’
Dowie: The Football Management Consultant
Interim Hull City coach Ian Dowie has revealed he has considered taking managing roles that are longer than ten games. The former defender has now coached 4 different clubs in the Premier League, all with disastrous results, and Dowie has wanted to put the record straight with each relegation. After leading Crystal Palace to promotion, Dowie saw them immediately return to the Championship and since then he has overseen Charlton Athletic, Newcastle United and now Hull City fall from the top division.
‘I don’t think I’ve been given a long enough chance at any club,’ said Dowie. ‘Clubs that are in crisis repeatedly, somewhat inexplicably, turn to me to help them out. Four clubs have been relegated with me at the helm for some period of the season- that says a lot for my credentials.’
Hull City’s relegation is all but confirmed with, amongst other factors, their awful and unassailable goal difference condemning them to the Championship. ‘We are happy for Dowie to continue- we would be doing the world of football a huge favour by keeping him in the club’ said their Chairman, Adam Pearson.
25 April 2010
12 April 2010
Flog - Terry, Wembley, Harry, Ugly.
Some stories from the world of football that you may have missed:
John Terry eats child
Ex-England Captain and serial penis put-er-about-er John Terry has been further disgraced this week as several newspapers report spotting him eating a toddler in a London restaurant. The child, thought to be aged between three and six and who can not be named, was induced after Terry’s main meal took too long to be cooked. ‘He was so calm,’ said one onlooker, ‘I checked the menu to see if raw infant was a dish, and was even more shocked when I discovered it wasn’t. He just seemed so hungry.’ Despite an apparently large appetite, Terry was unable to eat past the child’s shins, leaving two stumps of leg for the press to get hold of and sell for thousands of pounds. The child’s mother is in talks with Max Clifford over a possible front-page story and ITV drama series. Terry has refused to comment tonight.
FA Cup Final to be played at 58 Evans Close
Sensational news from FA headquarters in Soho as Lord Triesman announces the FA Cup Final venue has been changed to Kent resident Edna Penick’s back garden, less than a month before it is due to be played. ‘Out of all the venues, 58 Evans Close seemed the obvious choice’, Triesman told the Sunday Times. ‘After several complaints about the pitch at Wembley, we chose a ground we thought would be in the best interest of both clubs playing in the final’. Ms. Penick’s garden was chosen after she told FA officials that she has ‘never’ slipped over and that she has catered for large groups of people before. ‘Never 90,000’, said the 73 year old, ‘but Christmas certainly is strenuous’. Portsmouth manager Avram Grant and Chelsea boss Carlo Ancelotti have both reacted to the news by installing ponds at their respective training grounds. ‘Just to be sure’, said Grant.
Redknapp defends unofficial player ‘sackings’
Spurs boss Harry Redknapp has denied making ‘mountains out of molehills’ when it comes to minor discrepancies within his squad in the wake of David Bentley being put up for sale for taking the last biscuit during a team lunch on Tuesday. Speaking at the Spurs Lodge training ground immediately after the incident, Redknapp told reporters: ‘Unfortunately, despite being a great lad, you know, David should realise he can’t do this sort of thing as a player.’ He continued: ‘Kids look up to him and they’ll be pinching the last biscuit off everyone’s plates now, so David unfortunately wont be playing for Tottenham again, certainly not in the near future. It’s a shame, like I said he’s a great lad. Always first on the training ground, last off it. It’s unfortunate, but you don’t take the last biscuit. Not at my club. Two points, eight games, and he goes and does that’. Bentley’s effective ‘sacking’ comes after striker Robbie Keane was sent on loan to Celtic to ‘think about what he’s done’ for parking his car in in Redknapp’s parking space, whereas full-back Benoit Essou-Ekotto was sent home early when the manager found out he used his pen to sign an autograph. ‘A biro is a biro,’, Redknapp told Football Focus.
Kuyt opens floodgates for other Premiership stars and comes clean: ‘I’m not real’.
Ex-decent striker-cum-winger Dirk Kuyt has laid to rest years of speculation by admitting he is actually not a real human. ‘I’m no animal, I’m just simply not real’ said the Dutchman. ‘I am technically more boar than man’. Kuyt was speaking in a frank press conference set up by Rafa Benitez to help shift focus off Liverpool’s terrible season however it is thought many more Premiership stars may soon follow Kuyt’s lead. Mounting reports are suggesting that Spurs midfielder Wilson Palacios is actually a hippo and veteran defender Gary Neville has just been a number of cats taped together for his entire career, whereas Blackburn’s Christopher Samba has been rumoured not to be living at all and is in fact just a caravan in a pair of shorts. Rovers’ manager Sam Allardyce was unavailable for comment last night but is thought to have booked an urgent meeting with the defender in a warehouse just outside Blackburn.
John Terry eats child
Ex-England Captain and serial penis put-er-about-er John Terry has been further disgraced this week as several newspapers report spotting him eating a toddler in a London restaurant. The child, thought to be aged between three and six and who can not be named, was induced after Terry’s main meal took too long to be cooked. ‘He was so calm,’ said one onlooker, ‘I checked the menu to see if raw infant was a dish, and was even more shocked when I discovered it wasn’t. He just seemed so hungry.’ Despite an apparently large appetite, Terry was unable to eat past the child’s shins, leaving two stumps of leg for the press to get hold of and sell for thousands of pounds. The child’s mother is in talks with Max Clifford over a possible front-page story and ITV drama series. Terry has refused to comment tonight.
FA Cup Final to be played at 58 Evans Close
Sensational news from FA headquarters in Soho as Lord Triesman announces the FA Cup Final venue has been changed to Kent resident Edna Penick’s back garden, less than a month before it is due to be played. ‘Out of all the venues, 58 Evans Close seemed the obvious choice’, Triesman told the Sunday Times. ‘After several complaints about the pitch at Wembley, we chose a ground we thought would be in the best interest of both clubs playing in the final’. Ms. Penick’s garden was chosen after she told FA officials that she has ‘never’ slipped over and that she has catered for large groups of people before. ‘Never 90,000’, said the 73 year old, ‘but Christmas certainly is strenuous’. Portsmouth manager Avram Grant and Chelsea boss Carlo Ancelotti have both reacted to the news by installing ponds at their respective training grounds. ‘Just to be sure’, said Grant.
Redknapp defends unofficial player ‘sackings’
Spurs boss Harry Redknapp has denied making ‘mountains out of molehills’ when it comes to minor discrepancies within his squad in the wake of David Bentley being put up for sale for taking the last biscuit during a team lunch on Tuesday. Speaking at the Spurs Lodge training ground immediately after the incident, Redknapp told reporters: ‘Unfortunately, despite being a great lad, you know, David should realise he can’t do this sort of thing as a player.’ He continued: ‘Kids look up to him and they’ll be pinching the last biscuit off everyone’s plates now, so David unfortunately wont be playing for Tottenham again, certainly not in the near future. It’s a shame, like I said he’s a great lad. Always first on the training ground, last off it. It’s unfortunate, but you don’t take the last biscuit. Not at my club. Two points, eight games, and he goes and does that’. Bentley’s effective ‘sacking’ comes after striker Robbie Keane was sent on loan to Celtic to ‘think about what he’s done’ for parking his car in in Redknapp’s parking space, whereas full-back Benoit Essou-Ekotto was sent home early when the manager found out he used his pen to sign an autograph. ‘A biro is a biro,’, Redknapp told Football Focus.
Kuyt opens floodgates for other Premiership stars and comes clean: ‘I’m not real’.
Ex-decent striker-cum-winger Dirk Kuyt has laid to rest years of speculation by admitting he is actually not a real human. ‘I’m no animal, I’m just simply not real’ said the Dutchman. ‘I am technically more boar than man’. Kuyt was speaking in a frank press conference set up by Rafa Benitez to help shift focus off Liverpool’s terrible season however it is thought many more Premiership stars may soon follow Kuyt’s lead. Mounting reports are suggesting that Spurs midfielder Wilson Palacios is actually a hippo and veteran defender Gary Neville has just been a number of cats taped together for his entire career, whereas Blackburn’s Christopher Samba has been rumoured not to be living at all and is in fact just a caravan in a pair of shorts. Rovers’ manager Sam Allardyce was unavailable for comment last night but is thought to have booked an urgent meeting with the defender in a warehouse just outside Blackburn.
6 April 2010
Flog - In Other News...
Some news stories you may have missed from the world of football recently:
Jamie O’Hara declares he ‘hopes some of the Spurs team die’.
On-loan Portsmouth midfielder has ‘let down’ his parent club Tottenham by declaring he ‘hopes some, not all, of the team die, so I can get a game’. Club manager Harry Redknapp said; ‘I understand where Jamie is coming from, but he’s got to remember he’s still a Tottenham player, and I’ll have a word with him about it. He’s a smashing lad, really t’riffic, but this a bit much.’ O’Hara later said he could ‘see where confusion may have happened’.
Portsmouth publish chocolate financial documents
Stricken Premiership basement club Portsmouth have finally released statements regarding their financial year, however they have had to carve the figures into chocolate. They are thought to be ranging from Dairy Milk to Twix bars and are believed to have been left by Ali al-Faraj, the club’s second owner of this season. Manager Avram Grant stated that al-Faraj ‘must have spent all his money on confectionary rather than investing in the future of the club’ and that producing the figures on the bars was their way of ‘getting some revenge’. al-Faraj was unavailable to comment yesterday but was said to be looking ‘sad’ when leaving his mansion in the early hours. ‘He had a chocolate dream for Pompey’ said one of his advisors, ‘he thought it would entice players in’.
Wenger launches new campaign
Netball-theorist Arsene Wenger has teamed up with the Daily Mirror to kick-start the War Against Tackling campaign in the hope that all slides, shoulder barges and general contact will be wiped from the sport within the next decade. Wenger said; ‘I’m so happy an established British newspaper like the Mirror has pledged it’s support for this cause. They have done so much for other issues, like their ‘No means No’ campaign against sexual assault, that they seemed the obvious choice.’ It is thought the newspaper narrowly beat a bid from the Daily Mail due to ‘numerous cultural differences’ between the club’s playing staff and every one of the ideologies the newspaper holds.
Dean Windass announces retirement from speaking
Former Bradford and Hull forward Dean Windass has sensationally retired from all forms of speech after repeatedly struggling to form coherent sentences in the past few months. ‘The time’s right,’ he told Sky Sports News. ‘Football was…good…but speaking was the next thing best, so I went into television and…stuff…’ Clearly emotional, his last words of the press conference simply read ‘I wont speak again, starting NOW. Except that. Except that as well. From when I say now, okay? NOW.’ Windass is looking into coaching roles in deaf schools.
Messi cuts self, world debt in half
Barcelona wide man Lionel Messi was left as ‘stunned as everyone else’ when doctors told him his blood can cure disease, cause inflation-resistant currency increases and that he ‘sweats world peace regularly.’ Messi told La Marca; ‘I was so shocked, I just sat and smiled really nicely, it was so lovely to know I could do all this, and as a midget as well.’ Doctors discovered the amazing feat after Messi suffered a mild graze on his knee when playing on the swings in his local park. ‘I thought it was infected’, claimed the Argentine, ‘but it turns out the green was just a crikey-load of US Dollars’. The UN has given him free roam of the world, effective immediately.
Jamie O’Hara declares he ‘hopes some of the Spurs team die’.
On-loan Portsmouth midfielder has ‘let down’ his parent club Tottenham by declaring he ‘hopes some, not all, of the team die, so I can get a game’. Club manager Harry Redknapp said; ‘I understand where Jamie is coming from, but he’s got to remember he’s still a Tottenham player, and I’ll have a word with him about it. He’s a smashing lad, really t’riffic, but this a bit much.’ O’Hara later said he could ‘see where confusion may have happened’.
Portsmouth publish chocolate financial documents
Stricken Premiership basement club Portsmouth have finally released statements regarding their financial year, however they have had to carve the figures into chocolate. They are thought to be ranging from Dairy Milk to Twix bars and are believed to have been left by Ali al-Faraj, the club’s second owner of this season. Manager Avram Grant stated that al-Faraj ‘must have spent all his money on confectionary rather than investing in the future of the club’ and that producing the figures on the bars was their way of ‘getting some revenge’. al-Faraj was unavailable to comment yesterday but was said to be looking ‘sad’ when leaving his mansion in the early hours. ‘He had a chocolate dream for Pompey’ said one of his advisors, ‘he thought it would entice players in’.
Wenger launches new campaign
Netball-theorist Arsene Wenger has teamed up with the Daily Mirror to kick-start the War Against Tackling campaign in the hope that all slides, shoulder barges and general contact will be wiped from the sport within the next decade. Wenger said; ‘I’m so happy an established British newspaper like the Mirror has pledged it’s support for this cause. They have done so much for other issues, like their ‘No means No’ campaign against sexual assault, that they seemed the obvious choice.’ It is thought the newspaper narrowly beat a bid from the Daily Mail due to ‘numerous cultural differences’ between the club’s playing staff and every one of the ideologies the newspaper holds.
Dean Windass announces retirement from speaking
Former Bradford and Hull forward Dean Windass has sensationally retired from all forms of speech after repeatedly struggling to form coherent sentences in the past few months. ‘The time’s right,’ he told Sky Sports News. ‘Football was…good…but speaking was the next thing best, so I went into television and…stuff…’ Clearly emotional, his last words of the press conference simply read ‘I wont speak again, starting NOW. Except that. Except that as well. From when I say now, okay? NOW.’ Windass is looking into coaching roles in deaf schools.
Messi cuts self, world debt in half
Barcelona wide man Lionel Messi was left as ‘stunned as everyone else’ when doctors told him his blood can cure disease, cause inflation-resistant currency increases and that he ‘sweats world peace regularly.’ Messi told La Marca; ‘I was so shocked, I just sat and smiled really nicely, it was so lovely to know I could do all this, and as a midget as well.’ Doctors discovered the amazing feat after Messi suffered a mild graze on his knee when playing on the swings in his local park. ‘I thought it was infected’, claimed the Argentine, ‘but it turns out the green was just a crikey-load of US Dollars’. The UN has given him free roam of the world, effective immediately.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
