Flog - Hypothetical Uncles

Earlier today, during the Bolton v Spurs match, the ever brilliant Jim Beglin broadcast to the world a (I suspect) very old joke regarding his wife on this Valentine’s Day. ‘I’ve booked a table for me and the missus’, Beglin told Peter Drury, presumably trying to justify the flirting the two of them had become embroiled in throughout the match. ‘But she’s not much good at snooker’.
LOL.
Beglin remains the only shining light for a terrible ITV football broadcasting team, a fact reinforced moments ago by resident moron Clive Tyledsley banging on about a ‘hilarious’ hypothetical family get-together involving the two (unrelated) Warnock’s involved in the Crystal Palace vs. Aston Villa game, manager Neil and left-back Stephen. Clive never lets a joke die, especially one that involves further stereotyping of a football personality, in this case the effervescent Palace manager. ‘Imagine Stephen Warnock being sent round Uncle Neil’s!’, spews Clive, prompting an emotion in me as close to suicidal as I will ever feel. ‘No thanks, Mum!’, he continues, undeterred by the fact that nobody is listening.
I always moan about ITV. I always moan about everything in truth. But ITV really do eat away at me, like a disease, or to put it more pleasantly, like a beaver gnawing away at a tree. A diseased beaver.
So, for now, I will lay off them. Instead I will moan about England. That’s right, England. Bloody England.
It seems that in a World Cup year, England self-destructs. I don’t mean the country as a whole, of course. This is Flog, and nothing but football exists. The economy? Politics? Wagon Wheels? Not a sausage. Sausage? Question marks? Okay this joke is starting to die. Clive, don’t miss your cue.
If Fabio Capello wished that the whole Terry/Bridge situation would ease, he got it. If he also wished for the best left back in England to get a serious injury, he’s not only a moron, but he got that too. He didn’t wish that, - it’s just a tool to help the next paragraph flow. Isn’t writing fun?
Ashley Cole has broken his ankle after a challenge with Landon Donovan. That’s right- the American Landon Donovan. Yeah? Everyone was thinking it, but nobody was saying it. Until now. I’m breaking ground here, and I’m not afraid to say what everyone else thinks. U.S.A.’s best player, who will be at the World Cup, comes to the Premier League to play against effectively England’s entire squad, including arguably the best left back in the world, and injures him. Never mind the innocuous challenge, never mind he got the ball, never mind Cole’s foot was as high as Donovan’s. Donovan knew exactly what he was doing. Because now, should Cole miss out, we have to turn to our back up full back, Bridge. The theory? Americans love drama. So a punch up within the team they play first in the group stages will do nicely.
For those out of touch with Flog and indeed reality, I am of course joking about Donovan. I actually quite like him, for reasons that can only be described as Championship Manager 2001/02 ones. Any player I have bought in previous editions of the game become a favourite of mine, partly because they reaffirm my ever-ridiculous opinion that I spot talent as well as any scout in the league, but mainly because the game is so realistic we’re only a couple of years away from going round their houses for dinner. Which is why I will forever sing the praises of Thomas Vermaelen (bought him for Spurs, what a Judas he’s turned out to be in REAL LIFE), James Milner, Donovan, Aruna Dindane, Joe Hart and Florent Malouda. Not so much Dindane, but the rest could win a title. Hear that Redknapp? A TITLE! Sign me up!
So Bridge is now in demand. It was ideal that Bridge wasn’t England’s finest in his position because it meant Capello wouldn’t have the problem of fielding him and Terry anyway. This injury has totally messed that one up, then. There are alternatives- Warnock being one of them* and my preferred choice, Leighton Baines (another FM buy in 06/07. He failed to make the grade but we remained firm friends).
So what to do? If Bridge and Terry can remain professional enough to play together, literally side by side, then great, because Bridge has the ability and experience to fill in for Cole. Whether we want to see two out of the four defenders we have on the pitch just one tactical dispute away from a brawl or not, I don’t know. We’re always up for excitement, aren’t we? Yeah? Bit of wrestling? Yeah? No? Oh, alright then.
Wayne Rooney and David Beckham have both been in Cole’s situation before, being an integral part of the team but missing the back end of the season. Game time is one of Capello’s main issues when selecting a squad- just ask Michael Owen- but surely he can’t leave out Cole if he is physically able to play. Both for football reasons, and probably emotional ones as well.

*when writing the name ‘Warnock’, I suddenly remembered what I was writing this edition of Flog for in the first place, and how I would interlink the first and second halves. It didn’t quite work out. Sorry. Bye.