Flog - Yay Rooney. Boo Dowd. OMFG Terry and Bridge. Lulz.

Blimey; this Rooney fellow might just be the best on the planet at the moment. For a few months now, I have been waiting for something to halt the superb run of form he’s been in- either an injury or a dry spell, or even a throwback to his petulant days of ref-barracking or vengeful tackles. Understand I wasn’t hoping for this in any way- as an England fan it’s the best I could have hoped for. Our best player is in the form of his life and effectively carrying a team at the moment.
Which, lets face it, is what he is likely to be doing in South Africa. His talismanic displays for United have kept them in the hunt for a third successive title after everybody assumed they would crumble after the departure of Ronaldo. They may not carry the same threat as they did last season, but they certainly still have a player who the opposition can do little else but fear. By no means was Rooney not one of those players last season, but Ronaldo was consistently brilliant in every game.
I saw Rooney play in the flesh for the first time when United played Spurs early in the season. When Paul Scholes got sent off, Rooney became like their 11th man. He worked double shifts and ran Vedran Corluka ragged for a whole half an hour before finally scoring the killer third goal. I’ve never seen, before or since, a better individual performance on a football field. He was immense, the bastard.
And he will have to continue that when the World Cup comes around. England have the same sort of balance as United do, especially in midfield; pace on the right, industry on the left, solidity in the middle. Ronaldo was the explosive attacker who made the difference- England don’t (and maybe never did) have that. United seemed to have made do with Rooney, and so will we.
I write all this after watching the Carling Cup Final- or if you were to believe the showcase Wembley put on the ‘Most Important Thing in the World Ever Including Jets of Fire and Loud NOISES NOISES NOISES’ Cup Final. It was a better final than most I have seen at Wembley, where most line up simply not to lose. Fergie started with Berbatov and Owen, a selection vindicated as the later finished well after good work from the former. Owen went off injured, a topic of choice for most interviewers after the game, who seem to be revelling in the soap operas surrounding any England player at the moment, whether it be personal or professional as in the case of Owen.
But really the day belongs to Rooney, who scored as perfect a header as you will ever see.
Although it could have been totally different. Scratch that- should have been totally different. For a long time now, Phil Dowd has been one of the poorest referees in the game. His ineptitude isn’t helped by his dismissive attitude towards player’s usually legitimate appeals. It’s like he enjoys being rubbish. Not fit to referee, to steal a quote from Fergie.
I refer, of course, to the third minute challenge which led to the opening goal from the penalty spot. Vidic pulls down Agbonlahor in the box, with nobody else around, with the Villa front man through on goal. Definite penalty? Yes. Definite clear goal-scoring opportunity? Yes. Sending off? Yes. Or if you are Phil Dowd, no.
Vidic stayed on the pitch, and despite Milner converting the kick, Villa had a right to feel very aggrieved. Not least as the next two bookings went to their players. After that, Dowd was constantly playing catch up to try and get some sort of even playing field in which to go into half time with. A complete undermining of the match and the game itself.
Why no sending off? Too early in the game, a penalty was sufficient punishment, it was Manchester United in a cup final, Vidic could floor Dowd with his finger? All good points.
Unlucky Villa.

So then. Wayne Bridge. Did you see? My God. It was, like, so cool! John Terry, the ex-England captain, put his hand out, like, to shake hands with the Man City team, who- would you believe it- Wayne Bridge PLAYS for, and, when his turn came up, Bridge TOTALLY WALKED PAST TERRY. Lulz! Seriously- it was an orgasmic moment of awkwardness. Sky reserved themselves to waiting until half time to reshow the ‘incident’, this time from many angles. Damn, YouTube has it in slow motion. Has there ever been so much coverage for a non-event? I didn’t shake hands with anyone last week. Where are my YouTube hits? You bastards. Film my life immediately.

Not a funny one, this edition. Sorry. One point of humour: I’m fairly sure there was an extra two men brought in to carry Tom Huddlestone off on the stretcher in the Spurs v Everton game. Ha bloody ha.

Flog - Hypothetical Uncles

Earlier today, during the Bolton v Spurs match, the ever brilliant Jim Beglin broadcast to the world a (I suspect) very old joke regarding his wife on this Valentine’s Day. ‘I’ve booked a table for me and the missus’, Beglin told Peter Drury, presumably trying to justify the flirting the two of them had become embroiled in throughout the match. ‘But she’s not much good at snooker’.
LOL.
Beglin remains the only shining light for a terrible ITV football broadcasting team, a fact reinforced moments ago by resident moron Clive Tyledsley banging on about a ‘hilarious’ hypothetical family get-together involving the two (unrelated) Warnock’s involved in the Crystal Palace vs. Aston Villa game, manager Neil and left-back Stephen. Clive never lets a joke die, especially one that involves further stereotyping of a football personality, in this case the effervescent Palace manager. ‘Imagine Stephen Warnock being sent round Uncle Neil’s!’, spews Clive, prompting an emotion in me as close to suicidal as I will ever feel. ‘No thanks, Mum!’, he continues, undeterred by the fact that nobody is listening.
I always moan about ITV. I always moan about everything in truth. But ITV really do eat away at me, like a disease, or to put it more pleasantly, like a beaver gnawing away at a tree. A diseased beaver.
So, for now, I will lay off them. Instead I will moan about England. That’s right, England. Bloody England.
It seems that in a World Cup year, England self-destructs. I don’t mean the country as a whole, of course. This is Flog, and nothing but football exists. The economy? Politics? Wagon Wheels? Not a sausage. Sausage? Question marks? Okay this joke is starting to die. Clive, don’t miss your cue.
If Fabio Capello wished that the whole Terry/Bridge situation would ease, he got it. If he also wished for the best left back in England to get a serious injury, he’s not only a moron, but he got that too. He didn’t wish that, - it’s just a tool to help the next paragraph flow. Isn’t writing fun?
Ashley Cole has broken his ankle after a challenge with Landon Donovan. That’s right- the American Landon Donovan. Yeah? Everyone was thinking it, but nobody was saying it. Until now. I’m breaking ground here, and I’m not afraid to say what everyone else thinks. U.S.A.’s best player, who will be at the World Cup, comes to the Premier League to play against effectively England’s entire squad, including arguably the best left back in the world, and injures him. Never mind the innocuous challenge, never mind he got the ball, never mind Cole’s foot was as high as Donovan’s. Donovan knew exactly what he was doing. Because now, should Cole miss out, we have to turn to our back up full back, Bridge. The theory? Americans love drama. So a punch up within the team they play first in the group stages will do nicely.
For those out of touch with Flog and indeed reality, I am of course joking about Donovan. I actually quite like him, for reasons that can only be described as Championship Manager 2001/02 ones. Any player I have bought in previous editions of the game become a favourite of mine, partly because they reaffirm my ever-ridiculous opinion that I spot talent as well as any scout in the league, but mainly because the game is so realistic we’re only a couple of years away from going round their houses for dinner. Which is why I will forever sing the praises of Thomas Vermaelen (bought him for Spurs, what a Judas he’s turned out to be in REAL LIFE), James Milner, Donovan, Aruna Dindane, Joe Hart and Florent Malouda. Not so much Dindane, but the rest could win a title. Hear that Redknapp? A TITLE! Sign me up!
So Bridge is now in demand. It was ideal that Bridge wasn’t England’s finest in his position because it meant Capello wouldn’t have the problem of fielding him and Terry anyway. This injury has totally messed that one up, then. There are alternatives- Warnock being one of them* and my preferred choice, Leighton Baines (another FM buy in 06/07. He failed to make the grade but we remained firm friends).
So what to do? If Bridge and Terry can remain professional enough to play together, literally side by side, then great, because Bridge has the ability and experience to fill in for Cole. Whether we want to see two out of the four defenders we have on the pitch just one tactical dispute away from a brawl or not, I don’t know. We’re always up for excitement, aren’t we? Yeah? Bit of wrestling? Yeah? No? Oh, alright then.
Wayne Rooney and David Beckham have both been in Cole’s situation before, being an integral part of the team but missing the back end of the season. Game time is one of Capello’s main issues when selecting a squad- just ask Michael Owen- but surely he can’t leave out Cole if he is physically able to play. Both for football reasons, and probably emotional ones as well.

*when writing the name ‘Warnock’, I suddenly remembered what I was writing this edition of Flog for in the first place, and how I would interlink the first and second halves. It didn’t quite work out. Sorry. Bye.

And the crowd sang: 'Same old Terry, always cheating'.

He’s not the England captain, he’s a very naughty boy.
That opening line is so bad it made me cringe when I thought of it on the train this morning. However, nothing can compare to just how bad John Terry has been, so I could have pretty much opened this edition of Flog with a picture of me drowning some kittens- really cute kittens as well- and still the outrage would be considered minimal by comparison.
Not that it’s unwarranted, of course. John Terry has been, for lack of a better term, a cunt. It’s not often I use that word- that’s only the second time this hour- but it seems to fit the current England captain right now.
The woman in question, Portugala Manyboobs or something, is now selling her story because of the gross amount of ‘things being said that simply aren’t true’. That, and the massive amount of cash Max Clifford has promised her. For some reason she is being treated as some sort of victim in all of this, mainly because of the apparent abortion Terry organised. Terrible, maybe. But it’s not rocket science as to why you may have required one in the first place, you tool.
I’ve never been the biggest Wayne Bridge fan in a football respect. But as far as I am aware, he is a human. Don’t let the rubbery Keown-esque murder face fool you, there’s a soul in there. Right now it’s being tortured because of someone he considered not just a team mate but a friend betrayed his trust, and rightly he has confirmed there will be no statements or press conferences in the near future regarding the matter for the benefit of his young son.
Bridge’s other decision holds more professional ramifications. Should he choose to end his international career, he would finish on 36 caps and spent the entirety of it as understudy to Ashley Cole, another great moral ambassador. It would be an England career unremarkable except for the way in which it ended, and that could well yet be the saddest blow Terry has dealt him.
Not that the personal effects are any less painful, but at the end of the day, they are footballers, and footballers who can never play on the same team ever again. Bridge has already stated this in private. Even if he hadn’t I’d be questioning the manager who actually chooses to put them together on a team sheet now.
That is the problem for Fabio Capello. Right there. England have 4 people to realistically rely on to win the World Cup. Rooney, Gerrard, Lampard and Terry. All of which, if fit and playing to their full ability, could bring the trophy back to England. They are the spine, the core of the team both on and off it. For Capello to take a full stand against Terry’s personal conduct, he would not only have to relinquish Terry of his captain’s duties but that of his playing ones as well. That’s the World Cup over with, and I’m not exaggerating. Let us not forget how much Rio Ferdinand is struggling, too.
So the only thing left to do is to strip Terry of the captaincy and let Bridge retire from the international scene. Obviously Capello could not force his hand, but he couldn’t exactly call him up to the squad while Terry was a part of the set up. England’s best defender versus England’s second choice left back. In the football world, it’s not even a question.
So that’s Bridge’s personal and professional life now entirely in the balance. Well done JT, you’re an advert for the English game. I wont deny that England needs you the player on that plane to South Africa, but if you could leave your astronomically foolish personality back in the gutter where it belongs, that’d be great. Captain’s armband or not, should you lift the World Cup this summer as an England player, there will be one Englishman sat at home watching you not wondering if it could have been him out there, but knowing it would have been.

I would say rant over, but it’s not. Because this will have even more knock on effects. England now (surely) finds itself without a captain- at least without a proper one- so who is going to lead us out in South Africa? Ferdinand isn’t fit and is a dunce. Gerrard has never replicated his Liverpool form in an England shirt, an opinion which can be considered somewhat unfair seeing as his performances for the Reds particularly two or three years ago were nothing short of super hero standard, but the facts speak for themselves. Rooney simply cannot be given the armband because it would encourage him to be the all rounder we love seeing when we’re 1-0 up, but not so much when we need a striker standing up front to bang in the goals when we need them. So, despite my past hatred of the man, it has to go to Lampard. He has been phenomenal for Chelsea for pretty much his entire career there, and his England performances have been understated since Capello took over. He's a senior member of the team and is mentally tough enough to take on the role so close to the tournament and be successful.
That, and it might be nice to have it go to one of Terry’s team mates. Oh the betrayal, eh John?