Flog - Facebook, football and Mike Watson's Mum

Have you heard about this Facebook thing? It’s crazy- apparently it’s this website you join which can simultaneously distract you from any sort of activity and create the illusion that you are being sociable with your friends, who are also in the ‘book, when talking to their Faces online. It’s got somewhere around 20 trillion members, or something. No? Me neither.
But oh Hayward, I hear you collectively not say, are you not on this Facebook, rendering your opening blab totally void? My answer, of course is yes. I am on there. I was on there the very second before I started writing this. In fact, it’s still on my toolbar. The second question you may be not asking is how on Earth there can be 20 trillion members when there are only 6 million beings…on Earth. And some of them are babies, or technophobes, or people who have yet to discover texting let alone the Web.
The answer is hilarious. People set up fake profiles. As if their (my) own sad lives (life) aren’t enough, they (not me this time) feel the need to live out another life. Suh is the nature of Facebook, they can, because it’s all electronic. It’s all pixels. I’m nowhere near as attractive as my profile picture suggests. Nor are you. Trust me, you’re not.
Example: a while ago I saw a profile for ‘Mike Watson’s Mum’. Which is fucking hilarious. Especially if she made it herself.
So what’s this got to do with football? I’ll tell you what it’s got to do with football, if you’d just stop checking your Wall on your iPhone for one second. Or your Blackberry. In fact, if you have the latter, you might be interested to know I’ve made an ‘App’ for you stupid phone- I call it the ‘Look where you’re going when you’re making that annoying clicking sound on your Shitberry.’ It’s going to take off, big style.
I found a great profile for ex Tottenham boss Martin Jol. The photo of him is typical Jol- hard man with a hint of sex appeal for housewives. I added him as a friend. Yeah, so? I’ve also got Alan Kennedy- Dr. Kennedy from Neighbours. I don’t care. Pride never came into my social agenda.
Under the About Me section it has ‘I am a big football coach and a ferry’- which explains what is written in the Activities section; ‘Football, Crossing the Channel’. A perfect summation of what he probably said to the wife when he moved from Tottenham to Hamburg.
Obviously fake, it paved the way for me to search out other footballer’s names. Inevitably, some profiles are locked or hidden until a friend request is accepted (which by the way was not submitted), like that of Ben Foster, who presumably didn’t want anyone other than his ‘friends’ to see ‘overrated goalkeeper, lolz!’ in his About Me. If no profile is found, groups are brought to your attention. Most of them range from ‘Frank Lampard- Chelsea Legend’ to ‘Frank Lampard is a fat bastard’. And people wonder about apathy in this country.
So, with all this in mind, here are the Facebook highlights I found when I typed in the names of the first choice England XI, not according to Ian Wright, who is becoming ever more intolerable when breathing let alone spewing words on screen for us to digest and ignore.

Robert Green: Firstly, there are a lot of people with the name Robert Green. Damn you all for making it so hard to sift through the shit. As it turns out, there are no actual profiles set up for him (boo) but nearly a zillion groups for ‘Robert Green for England’. Capello isn’t swayed by reputations, guys. Unless…

Glen Johnson: Lots of people, again, but at least he has a noticeably awful fake profile. The picture shows him shaking Rafa Benitez’s hand after signing for Liverpool. It’s rubbish, though, as no personal information is on there (boo again), although one deluded moron has written ‘hope your fit for saturday against city, you are an amazing player’. I’m sure he appreciates your comments, now back to your cell.

John Terry: Brilliant! The first of many that I click on is a somewhat neglected profile, with little work put into it, however his one solitary friend is Michael Ballack. It’s a frightening world when you think about it. Even scarier when you see one that has been maintained, including his About Me: ‘Hi my name is john terry (JT) yoy have probab;y seen me play for Chelsera fc (the best football club) who I hold close to my heart.’ That’s nice. Obviously never held English lessons as close, though. Ironically, the one ‘fan page’ he has joined is this beauty: ‘Fake Profiles for Celebrities- Never be Fooled Again!’.

Rio Ferdinand: The first one? ‘Rio Ferdinand. Network: Thailand’. Failure to launch on that one. Another? His friends include the entire United team. That’s correct. The entire team. Even O’Shea, who has no friends in real life, let alone on Facebook. No funny profile quotes of real mention, but I’m certainly a fan of the group ‘Rio Ferdinand= Twat’. Simple but effective, like the man himself.

Ashley Cole: Uh-oh. Lots of groups to talk about, ones with names beyond reason, apart from ‘Ashley Cole really is a wanker’. Brilliantly, on one profile, the Relationship Status is ‘It’s Complicated’. The only realistic (yet still horribly forged) page has ‘Ashley’ describing himself as ‘happily married’ and ‘enjoys a laff with mates’. Good old Ashley. As if you’ve got any fucking friends.

Gareth Barry: Poor Gary Barry. It seems he is so dull even Facebook fakers don’t want him. However, one closed profile has him enjoying a Birthday cake while on a night out with his librarian friends. Very dull. As for groups, who on Earth made ‘Gareth Barry Wannabees’, and who the fuck are the 10 that joined?

Frank Lampard: Apart from the polarising group names, his reception is generally positive on the profile front, including the stand out page which contains his favourite films. ‘click, harry pooter, iron man’. What??????????????

Steven Gerrard: Thousands. Literally thousands. But the stand out one has to be the one that contains this: ‘\m/ Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk’. Never more relevant after what happened in the summer, which didn’t actually happen, of course. His other favourite quotes include many snippets of Andy Gray’s commentary over his stupendous goals. So self indulgent, Stevie.

Theo Walcott: Perhaps too young to even sign up, but what’s this? Ah, something that makes total sense. His page has one thing on it’s Wall- a photo he has been tagged in- under the heading ‘giveyourfriendanosebleed.com.’ Totally normal, yeah. Ok.

Wayne Rooney: Harsh. One picture is just of Shrek. Unless he put it on himself… Even harsher, the group: ‘Wayne Rooney is overated’. Not only does it have members, those people have actually justified their opinion with lines such as ‘hiz got no skill and if he woz brazilian no1 would have herd of him!!!’. But he’s not, and people have, and he’s pretty much the only chance England have of winning the World Cup.

Emile Heskey: one has a real photo of him, but it’s locked. Devastated. And all the groups are in appreciation of the big wall up front for England. Nondescript both on the field and on the internet, which is fairly difficult seeing as even Mike Watson’s Mum is known.

There you have it. A terrible world we live in summed up in 11 descriptions of stupid people’s spare time. Then again, in my own time I’ve actively searched them. Everyone hates Facebook.