Flog - Bite you in the arse like a biscuit

Dear Flog

I apologise for my absence throughout the past few weeks. This was due to a combination of other commitments including getting over a cold, going to Thorpe Park and purchasing the new Football Manager.
I promise that any visits to theme parks will be scheduled more appropriately in future, and that this year’s FM will not take over my life to such a degree that I forget what a razor and/or a bath looks like.

Faithfully

Tom Hayward (Mr)

Back to business. This week’s Flog is all about football’s nasty yet uncanny ability to come out of nowhere and bite you on your arse so hard you are convinced you’re a tougher than usual biscuit that’s been left on the counter to dry out. That’s right. I’m going for food metaphors. I’ve tried to quit smoking so it’s all I have to turn to for comfort now. Fuck you.
Firstly, let’s go global. Fair Play, and all that. It’s been going a fair few years now and let’s face it, it’s nothing more special than a motion, a title, just like ‘Arsenal goalkeeper’ or ‘Carling Cup Winners’. At the beginning of each season all the managers tell the press, sincerely mind, that this is the year they clampdown on their players and themselves when it comes to playing the game in a fair and proper way. What most of the press releases leave off, apparently, is the part where they add ‘as long as all fifty-fifty decisions go our way’.
So far this season Fergusson, Benitez and Wenger have all fallen foul of the FA’s and UEFA’s ‘strict’ guidelines on post-match comments regarding the referees, all concerning decisions that had they been given would certainly have been seen as moments that fit into the ‘Big Four decision’ pigeon hole (which some poor old woman has to keep track of, probably). This weekend saw nine red cards, though, which means no matter how absurd some of the decisions were, the problem of foul play lies throughout the league.
So that’s FIFA’s arse bitten. And if we go smaller scale, the case of Robbie Keane’s claims that Spurs’ squad is better than Arsenal’s this season. Honestly, it’s one thing to goad the opposition before your huge derby match, but to do it with outright lies is something else altogether. Spurs fans across the globe collectively slapped their foreheads in frustration at the crazy little Irishman’s words- an action that caused such a loud clapping sound that it woke Roy Hodgson from his afternoon nap.
As if his words were ever not going to be eaten. They were laid out on a plate from the moment he vomited them from his foolish mouth. As captain, he should have kept quiet. Or, at least, made it look as if he was trying a bit harder when it actually came to the match. A pretty dull game in fairness but neither team got out of second gear. In fact, Spurs stalled from the start line.

BUT. Oh, dear reader. How I have let you down. All that went before, that was nothing. For I have the greatest testament to football biting you on the arse ever, right here. It was given to me by a friend, but this is something that needs to be shared. It concerns our friend Rafa, once again and his failing Liverpool side. Now, ask yourself, who have the Reds lost to this season in the league?

Fulham
Aston Villa
Chelsea
Tottenham
Sunderland.

Correct. FACTS. FACTS!!!!!!! Oh the magnificence knows no bounds. No more than, what, ten months since his famous ‘fact’ rant does that beauty come along. In fact (ha!), I can bypass Fact of the Week because it ironically takes it. It’s so good, I may never do another one again- stop cheering at the back.