Well it’s all over. The twists, the turns, and (hilariously) the conspiracy theories. Yes, The Barclay’s Premiership 2008-09 is over. Now we have to wait a whole 12 weeks with only England qualifiers, the U21 European Championship, the Confederations Cup and the transfer window being well and truly ajar until it starts all over again. Devastating. So what of this year? Here is a team by team review of the season.
Arsenal - a good start and a good finish to a season that yet again promised much but provided little. Wenger did, however, break his two-word transfer policy (young/foreign) by buying Andriy Arshevin, who is foreign and looks about a month shy of being able to take an 11+ exam, but is actually 27. But if it wasn’t a barren streak from his strikers for Wenger to worry about, it was dressing room disharmony. Fingers point at Gallas. He’s probably a little annoyed at looking like a cross between the cat in the hat and a sad snake. Champions League and FA Cup semi-finals don’t seem to be enough for the Gunners anymore, though. Player of the Year: Cecs Fabregas. New captain, new ambitions. But another season of growth may have to be his last before exploding onto the world stage. Score: 7/10
Aston Villa - early on, Villa threatened to do what only a small number of clubs have done in the last few seasons- break into the top four. To achieve this seemingly impossible yet suddenly extremely realistic target, Martin O’Neill sacrificed any chance of European glory by sending out a team of reserves in their second leg against CSKA Moscow so their top players could concentrate on getting fourth. They lost. And finished sixth. Terrible end of season form meant they finished with a whimper when they began with a roar, but are building a very good project for the future- watch this space. Player of the Year: Ashley Young. Pace, dribbling, and a good delivery. Not bad for a man with a tiny head. Score: 7/10
Blackburn Rovers - Who? It seems not even flirting with and escaping relegation can make Blackburn at all appealing. Allardyce steadied the ship after the Rovers board did the equivalent of asking a toddler to be a fireman- maybe in the future Ince will be able to do it but the jump managing at a level one division lower than the top league, let alone two, is tough enough. If Allardyce buys well in the summer they could once again be a solid Premiership club, but the proof was in the proverbial pudding by the end of the season with Christopher Samba playing up front as a lone striker. ‘Bolton II’. It also still amazes me that someone who is the shape of Brett Emerton can even walk let alone play football. The man is a rectangle. Player of the Year: Ryan Nelsen (I suppose?) Score: 5/10.
Bolton Wanderers - ‘Bolton I’ had a fairly non-descript season, with the club never mathematically safe from trouble but always far enough away not to be worried for their Premiership status. It’s hard to see Megson take them any further than simply being survival specialists but for now he is providing just enough to keep the club (and his job) safe. There really is nothing else to say about Wanderers, but you can sum them up with one question- can you name their first choice back four? Thought not. Player of the Year: Kevin Davies. If Heskey’s attributes make him integral to the England team, then Kevin Davies would be a worthy understudy. Score: 6/10
Chelsea - Many seasons ago, before bearded Russians and heavy pockets waded into our lives forever, this would have been seen as a fantastic season. Another Champions League run which saw them knocked out to the eventual winners in the semi-final, an FA Cup final to look forward to and a solid 3rd place in the table. But that was before. And Abramovic might have been ruing the day he employed ‘Big Phil’, because it turned out that the big man had little ideas. But if Scolari was a gamble, Hiddink was a masterstroke. Knowledgeable, humble and extremely talented as a manager, it’s not hard to see why Chelsea want him to stay. Whoever comes in, they need to freshen up a lagging squad and fast. Just finally, all the talk of ‘conspiracy’ seemed to delightfully deter the attention away from the fact that the serial flopping hitman they have up front missed the two easiest chances of the tie to wrap it all up before Iniesta’s stunner. Anything to say, Mr Drogba? Player of the Year: Nicolas Anelka. Goals, goals, goals in a team that could have struggled without him. Score: 7/10
Everton - Played for half the season without any strikers, and the purchases of Jo on loan and Louis Saha leaves it up to you to make the jokes about not having any for the rest of the season either, but managed to play their way into yet another 5th place finish and another year of European football. I still remember when Everton were fighting relegation each year- how times have changed. David Moyes, the scariest looking manager in the entire world, deserves all the praise he gets, but it wont mean as much to him as winning the FA Cup on Saturday. No money, no hope is not a term Everton can say they live up to. A wonderful story. Player of the Year: Phil Jagielka. Heartbreaking to see a player miss an FA Cup final through injury anyway, but for it to happen after a consistently excellent season is horrible. Will come back stronger. Score: 9/10
Fulham - a fitting testament to the fantastic job Roy Hodgson has done at Fulham would be to point out how during the early stages of the season when up to 11 teams were fighting to pull clear of relegation, Fulham were never mentioned. Not just a solid season, but a very promising one too. They are building a core to their team- Schwarzer, Haangeland, Murphy and Johnson form a super spine to a team that this time last year was celebrating the great escape, and their poor away from seems to be evening itself out too. All credit to them, but European football next season will test their resources. Hodgson looks like a Grandfather sheep. This only improves his stance with me. Player of the Year: Danny Murphy. Makes them tick while making it look easy, too. Perfectly spherical head as well. Score: 9/10.
Hull City - what to say? Great start, crap finish. They started with the element of surprise that most promoted clubs wouldn’t dare to spring on the top league, with goals from Giovanni that really ought to be investigated by NASA. For a while they flirted with the idea of getting top 8, but steadily their season slowly collapsed like Jimmy Bullard’s knee and they were left fighting for their lives on the last day of the season. Phil Brown deserves to stay in the Premiership though, not only for the great job he has done at Hull but also that massive jacket and ’Britney’ earpiece combo he’s got going on. One of the favourites for the drop next season, but as debut campaigns go this was the best they could have hoped for. Player of the Year: Michael Turner. Underrated centre back who kept Hull in a lot of games. Score: 7/10
Liverpool - Will they? Wont they? Can they? No, they cannot- for now. Another frustrating season for the Reds who coupled home and away wins against Chelsea and Manchester United with home draws against Hull, Fulham and West Ham to effectively invite United to chip into their early lead. It didn’t seem to be about pressure in the end, it just looked as if the strain of relying on 2 or 3 core players was too much for a realistic title hunt. The signing of Keane was a correct one in theory- Liverpool need another natural striker for the increasingly frequent injuries to Torres- but perhaps he was not the right choice. I will say now what I said at the start of the season: you can’t win the league if your back up striker is David Ngog. They edge ever closer to what they cannot still call ‘their‘ trophy, but unfortunately United don’t seem to be losing any sort of stranglehold. This season’s ‘Shouter of the Year’ award goes to Jamie Carragher. Did anyone else hear hm against West Ham? Frightening. Player of the Year: Steven Gerrard. Of course. More goals, more power and more talented than most teams put together. Score: 8/10
Manchester City - effectively cheating at Football Manager but in real life. It’s like somebody went into the ‘edit club’ screen and stuck a couple of noughts on the end of their starting bank balance. Ridiculous. However, their only lure was of Robinho, who despite finishing 4th in the scoring charts was considered somewhat of a flop. Perhaps harsh if you consider one of the world’s most talented players was also playing in a team that held Richard Dunne. Another pre-season of speculation will now hold another name in it’s rumours and headlines, but the club’s appeal still doesn’t seem enough for any Robinho-scale signings. Shay Given, however, is an excellent bit of business. They just need to find the form that crushes Arsenal rather than the from that loses to Stoke and Middlesbrough. Player of the Year: Stephen Ireland. Tireless midfielder who has put dead Grandmother myths behind him to become integral to City’s ambitions. Score: 6/10
Manchester United - sometimes they were frighteningly good. But teams are starting to find weaknesses on their off days. Liverpool did- twice- and they could have pushed the Red Devils had they not lost their form to lower teams. Luckily, Sir Alex doesn’t do dips in form, and the stumbles against Liverpool and then to Fulham were put to rest with last gasp wins against Aston Villa and Sunderland and a crushing fight back against Spurs. Losing the Champions League final would have hurt, but that’s when Fergie and United are most dangerous. It’s just a shame that Barcelona are most dangerous when they have the ball- something Michael Carrick seemed all too happy to allow to happen. Ronaldo is still the spoilt little child and he has been quieter this season, but his goal return for someone who is not an out and out striker is still astonishing. Just need someone to come and kick him in the face. Last point: how can you be world champions if you are not European champions? Come on lads, stop listing it as an achievement. Player of the Year: Wayne Rooney. A man who United cannot tick without is the other of the special R’s . Score: 9/10
Middlesbrough - should have been relegated two seasons ago. No depth, no stars, no fight, nothing. They sneaked into relegation- that’s how bad they were. Nobody even noticed. They couldn’t replicate performances like they gave against Liverpool when it mattered most- ie ALL SEASON- and it cost them. Alfonso Alves looked increasingly like he wasn’t sure what he was doing, like he was picked up at the airport one day after being mistaken for their new £10m striker and had been too polite or too scared to stand up and say anything since. If anyone, Tuncay and Downing should stay in the Premiership, as well as Wheater. As for the others, it’s up to them to get them back up there. Woeful. Player of the Year: David Wheater. His early form earned him an England call-up. The rest of his team’s earned them a spell in the second tier. Score: 3/10
Newcastle United - Ok. Can anyone ACTUALLY believe that Newcastle are in the Championship? They have been RELEGATED. It’s shocking. Did anyone ever watch Dream Team on Sky One? Imagine that in real life (sorry to break it to you but Jamie Parker was not a real goalkeeper, people) and you have some idea of what Newcastle’s season has been like. It became increasingly clear after Given left that he was the reason they had tread the water as long as they did- Harper, as good a keeper as he is- is not top class. Defence was clueless, midfield was toothless at best and their strikers were off target more than any Richard Littlejohn article in the Daily Mail. So what do you do when you’re struggling to stay in the division? Employ the most inexperienced person in the history of time. Ok, so he is still revered and worshipped on Tyneside, but he was about as qualified as anyone who has played Football Manager for an hour. Insane decision that cost them their Premiership status and confines them to a long recovery period. Player of the Year: Joey Barton… just kidding. I honestly have no idea but the best of a bad bunch was Steven Taylor probably. Score: 2/10
Portsmouth - went for the record of ‘how many managers can we have in a season?’ but sadly lost out to any Spurs team from the 1990’s. With the season still young, Redknapp left for pastures new and left them in a rather large hole to be honest. Adams, like Shearer, was too inexperienced to keep the club rolling from their previously successful year so an even less experienced man came in and got them playing again. Portsmouth end this season with around half the management team, players and trophies of last but survival was enough to receive a takeover bid from the ‘U.A.E.’s Alan Sugar’. Good luck with that. Player of the Year: David James. Another typical season- great saves and athletic performances keep him as England’s number 1 but still has the odd dickhead moment. Score: 6/10
Stoke City - 12th, who’d have thunk it? A team that proves that if you have a system, stick to it. They found a formula that worked and stuck to it, and other teams found it hard to deal with it. They realised the Delap throw tactic was being found out, so they adapted their game a bit. They lost a few. Then went back to the Delap tactic and beat Middlesbrough. Top stuff. A season beyond their wildest dreams, with wins against Arsenal, Tottenham and Man City to boast from their debut campaign, but will be wary of ‘second season syndrome’. Final note- they have the scariest looking squad in the league. Ryan Shawcross looks like he could head butt an elephant to death. Now all that is left is to find out why Pulis wears that hat to every game… Player of the Year: would be easy to give it to Rory Delap when others shone too, but who can deny the influence he had? Score: 8/10
Sunderland - remember Keane? It’s hard to believe he was ever there now. Late strugglers but in the end they stayed up through a mixture of solid early form and the fact that Newcastle were about twice as bad as them. They need a decent manager to take over from Sbragia who will take them to the next level, otherwise they could find themselves in the same position again next season. Need a new talismanic midfielder and a quick striker for when Cisse inevitably goes. I am still confused as to why they are nicknamed the ‘Black Cats’. That is all. Player of the Year: Ooh, who to choose? Nobody particularly shone but lets give it to Kieran Richardson who was always full of running and scored a scarily powerful free kick in the Tyne-Weir derby early in the season. Score: 5/10
Tottenham Hotspur - as usual, the Lane became the setting for another soap opera season. A terrible start looked like leaving Spurs with an unassailable mountain to climb before Harry Redknapp rode in and saved the day. In the end, they didn’t just survive, and of all the serious relegation candidates this season they eventually finished the highest in 8th. It all went Homeward Bound over Christmas- the likeable wise dog Robbie Keane returned with the snappy young pup Jermaine Defoe much to the delight of the supporters, but like in the film it was sad to see that the whining, arrogant wails from that cat Pascal Chimbonda had not got lost along the way. Interesting to see them fight out with Everton and Villa next season. Player of the Season: Bent had a solid campaign, and Redknapp made a lot of others finally play to their potential (Gomes, Modric to name just two) but it will have to go to Aaron Lennon. Lost his place to Bentley then realised he was actually 100 times better than him. Score: 7/10
West Bromich Albion - boing! Back they go. W.B.A. the club remind me of the programme E.R.- every time you think it’s the last time you will see it, about a year later it arrives back on your screen on a Saturday night. All credit to Mowbray, he continued his ethos of playing football as it should be done, but if you have Abdoulaye Meite in your team that becomes about 50% harder already. Sure enough, we expect to see them back next year, but they need to improve significantly if they want to stay for longer than a little holiday. Player of the Year: Another team with little to go on, but a player who always fought for every ball and scored a few goals with it was Chris Brunt. Score: 3/10
West Ham United - best of the rest in a sense, after the top 6 went out of sight. In fairness, their rise up the table was exceptional, not least after a run of poor results at the back end of 2008. Zola is clearly a talented manager, and next season will be key for West Ham if they are to progress. He even made Carlton Cole look good- something Carlton Cole has tried and failed to do for years now. He still isn’t that good, either. Player of the Year: Carlton Cole. Still not great but had a good season before being injured on international duty. Score: 6/10
Wigan Athletic - fizzled out in the latter stages of the season, they even threatened to catch the last European spot in the months before. Safe long before a lot of others, they still lack that cutting edge which could establish them in the league. And, if rumours are to be believed, which, hell, why wouldn’t you believe them, Antonio Valencia is on the way out. Losing Palacios in January hurt Wigan’s balance, but if the Ecuadorian winger goes too they need to invest the money very wisely. A good team, not a great team, Steve Bruce can be proud of his work. Player of the Year: Antonio Valencia. Though sometimes a close run thing with Mido in the side (please sense the tone and understand I am joking) he gave another good account of himself this season. Score: 7/10.
There we go. I was kind of hoping that would take 12 weeks to write. Damn. Might have to go outside now.
28 May 2009
17 May 2009
Flog - Don't hate the game. Hate yourself.
Over the past week I have discovered, at great cost, that a certain two things in my life cannot be mixed. I gave up smoking on Sunday (sort of). That, and I play a lot of Football Manager 2009.
Truly, it is the hardest game in the history of time. You may be great at it. I am not. My stress levels are at a point that I can only imagine are rivalled by being the real life Newcastle manager. And I don’t even mean Alan Shearer- I mean any Newcastle manager. It’s a job that should come with a health warning. (think about it... Keegan ('love it!'), Kinnear ('f***ing heart bypass') and Souness (no particular health issues but he was always on the verge of killing someone).
Football Manager games of years past were simpler- you pretty much picked a team and berated them if they didn’t play well. If they did, you took the plaudits. This version, however, brings you every single aspect of real management. Press conferences, manager ‘personalities’, and the like. It’s too real. Real life managers cannot say ‘I’m an accountant, but I manage Sunderland on the side…’
BUT WE CAN.
And that’s it- it’s not real. But it gives the illusion that it is, whilst simultaneously mocking you for getting into it. I am currently the Tottenham manager and I have been for 4 fantasy years. My fantasy players are brilliant, their stats are through the proverbial (and fantasy) roof. I just can’t get it right. I have not finished above 9th so far, no matter how many fantasy pounds I spend each year.
Any game that has an ‘addictiveness rating’ needs to be investigated immediately. You load the game, thinking you will give it a couple of hours enjoyment each night after work, live the dream and all that. But then- oh tragedy of tragedies- suddenly your wife has left you and your dog is dead; a withering carcass of rover festers in the corner next to it’s spotless food bowl.
Why do we do it? Because we all think we can do better.
We all think we can be a manager. Who doesn’t watch their team capitulate and scream at the screen, willing the players to do the simplest thing? So you give it a go. And you end up watching your team capitulate, screaming at the screen willing your players to do the simplest thing. It’s hell. I ‘stormed out’ of a fantasy press conference the other day after losing to a team two divisions lower than me in the FA Cup third round. Which is okay, you think, because it’s not real.
So whatever happens, you have that to fall back on. Nobody knows how poorly you played. Except you do. You know. You know that you played an anchorman which left your strikers isolated of service. The fans are on your back. That rainy evening against your biggest rivals came and went in a terrifying blur and suddenly your next game is for you to save your job. It's all a bit too Gullit vs Sunderland in 1999...
So why the will to win at a make believe game? Because you know that after your sacking you will have to deal with knowing in your heart that you wasted so many hours caring about something so trivial. That, and you will have to bury Rover.
All of which is okay though, because it’s not real.
Except you spent a large majority of your day at work thinking over tactics. Have you been too negative? Are the players you have at your disposal wasted in a counter attacking team? Is your striker a confidence man or does he need a kick up the arse every game? Are your training regimes good enough? Were you ever ready to take this job?
All are questions that real managers must ask themselves. Which is what FM is going for. It wants you to believe you are the best but also recognise that you, above all else, are a failure when mixing it with the big boys.
Which is okay. Because it’s not real.
Truly, it is the hardest game in the history of time. You may be great at it. I am not. My stress levels are at a point that I can only imagine are rivalled by being the real life Newcastle manager. And I don’t even mean Alan Shearer- I mean any Newcastle manager. It’s a job that should come with a health warning. (think about it... Keegan ('love it!'), Kinnear ('f***ing heart bypass') and Souness (no particular health issues but he was always on the verge of killing someone).
Football Manager games of years past were simpler- you pretty much picked a team and berated them if they didn’t play well. If they did, you took the plaudits. This version, however, brings you every single aspect of real management. Press conferences, manager ‘personalities’, and the like. It’s too real. Real life managers cannot say ‘I’m an accountant, but I manage Sunderland on the side…’
BUT WE CAN.
And that’s it- it’s not real. But it gives the illusion that it is, whilst simultaneously mocking you for getting into it. I am currently the Tottenham manager and I have been for 4 fantasy years. My fantasy players are brilliant, their stats are through the proverbial (and fantasy) roof. I just can’t get it right. I have not finished above 9th so far, no matter how many fantasy pounds I spend each year.
Any game that has an ‘addictiveness rating’ needs to be investigated immediately. You load the game, thinking you will give it a couple of hours enjoyment each night after work, live the dream and all that. But then- oh tragedy of tragedies- suddenly your wife has left you and your dog is dead; a withering carcass of rover festers in the corner next to it’s spotless food bowl.
Why do we do it? Because we all think we can do better.
We all think we can be a manager. Who doesn’t watch their team capitulate and scream at the screen, willing the players to do the simplest thing? So you give it a go. And you end up watching your team capitulate, screaming at the screen willing your players to do the simplest thing. It’s hell. I ‘stormed out’ of a fantasy press conference the other day after losing to a team two divisions lower than me in the FA Cup third round. Which is okay, you think, because it’s not real.
So whatever happens, you have that to fall back on. Nobody knows how poorly you played. Except you do. You know. You know that you played an anchorman which left your strikers isolated of service. The fans are on your back. That rainy evening against your biggest rivals came and went in a terrifying blur and suddenly your next game is for you to save your job. It's all a bit too Gullit vs Sunderland in 1999...
So why the will to win at a make believe game? Because you know that after your sacking you will have to deal with knowing in your heart that you wasted so many hours caring about something so trivial. That, and you will have to bury Rover.
All of which is okay though, because it’s not real.
Except you spent a large majority of your day at work thinking over tactics. Have you been too negative? Are the players you have at your disposal wasted in a counter attacking team? Is your striker a confidence man or does he need a kick up the arse every game? Are your training regimes good enough? Were you ever ready to take this job?
All are questions that real managers must ask themselves. Which is what FM is going for. It wants you to believe you are the best but also recognise that you, above all else, are a failure when mixing it with the big boys.
Which is okay. Because it’s not real.
11 May 2009
Flog - Meat, batter and mid-table obscurity
What exactly is all this about Rangers and Celtic being sneaked into the Premiership? It was mentioned a few seasons ago and the idea never really played out into a seriously considered one, but now- with the FA seemingly selling the Premiership to anyone and anything that will buy it- it has arose again and it seems to be only a matter of time before this is a reality.
Why? Surely it’s not of benefit to the English Premier Division to have two clubs from another league to join and make an already congested fixture list even harder to organise and piss Sir Alex off? And not just any fixtures- these will be fixtures that take fans to another country. Granted, it’s not exactly Timbuktu, but on the other hand it is bloody freezing up there. Even though Newcastle fans go to games semi-naked and see the words ‘below zero’ as a challenge and not a weather report, they might even have to draw the line. However, that’s if they’re even in the League at all…
Also, what if Celtic and Ranger’s first season(s) go disastrously wrong and they end up relegated? What then? Do we suddenly have a super-elite Championship that has Doncaster travelling to a team that beat AC Milan on their ground a couple of seasons ago? And will we be facing a Premiership that has been expanded to include them or a larger relegation zone the previous season to make room? A few fingernails would be left on stadium floors then, wouldn’t they?
Celtic and Rangers are used to success- it seems they almost have an agreement that if one wins a major trophy the other can’t go without, like brothers fighting over a battered Mars Bar and big momma Glasgow comes and splits in half, perfectly even. This raises two points- 1) will they financially suffer from their sudden lack of success (presuming, as most people do, that they do become a mid-table duo for the time being) and would it be covered by their revised TV revenue income? 2) The hole they leave behind- Celtic and Rangers being put in the Premiership connotes that a team such as Hearts winning the SPL will give them that hollow feeling inside that is only rivalled by scoring a Cup winning goal but with your arse.
It’s insane to have these 2 in the Premiership, but it also seems equally insane to keep them in a league that is far too shallow for them. Stick them in France or something. If all else fails at least you’d get some very interesting food combinations.
Why? Surely it’s not of benefit to the English Premier Division to have two clubs from another league to join and make an already congested fixture list even harder to organise and piss Sir Alex off? And not just any fixtures- these will be fixtures that take fans to another country. Granted, it’s not exactly Timbuktu, but on the other hand it is bloody freezing up there. Even though Newcastle fans go to games semi-naked and see the words ‘below zero’ as a challenge and not a weather report, they might even have to draw the line. However, that’s if they’re even in the League at all…
Also, what if Celtic and Ranger’s first season(s) go disastrously wrong and they end up relegated? What then? Do we suddenly have a super-elite Championship that has Doncaster travelling to a team that beat AC Milan on their ground a couple of seasons ago? And will we be facing a Premiership that has been expanded to include them or a larger relegation zone the previous season to make room? A few fingernails would be left on stadium floors then, wouldn’t they?
Celtic and Rangers are used to success- it seems they almost have an agreement that if one wins a major trophy the other can’t go without, like brothers fighting over a battered Mars Bar and big momma Glasgow comes and splits in half, perfectly even. This raises two points- 1) will they financially suffer from their sudden lack of success (presuming, as most people do, that they do become a mid-table duo for the time being) and would it be covered by their revised TV revenue income? 2) The hole they leave behind- Celtic and Rangers being put in the Premiership connotes that a team such as Hearts winning the SPL will give them that hollow feeling inside that is only rivalled by scoring a Cup winning goal but with your arse.
It’s insane to have these 2 in the Premiership, but it also seems equally insane to keep them in a league that is far too shallow for them. Stick them in France or something. If all else fails at least you’d get some very interesting food combinations.
5 May 2009
Live Text: Arsenal vs. Manchester United, Champions League Semi-Final 2nd Leg
19.30 - Excited? I blooming am. Cecs Fabregas turned 22 yesterday, 4 days before I do in fact, and he is playing as captain of his team in the Champions League Semi-Final while I cover it, sitting in my dirty three-quarter lengths describing it. Funny how things work out, isn’t it? No Silvestre by the way for Arsenal, and Park is in for Manchester United. They will need him at his dog-like best.
19.32 - Jens Lehmann- yes, maybe the craziest man in the history of time- is a pundit for ITV. They really do pick them, don’t they? Steve Ryder presents, and along with Teddy Sheringham it makes the weirdest looking boy band you’ve ever seen in your life.
19.33 - Just thought of a name for them- ‘The Golden Age’. Andy Townsend is here as well, complete with orange complexion. Ryder looks like he’s listening but it’s hard to tell.
19.33 - Looks like it will be a cracking atmosphere (some would argue for the first time ever at the Emirates…) as ITV cut to their first break. I actually make that 2mins and 10secs. That’s horrific.
19.34 - I imagine Clive Tyldesley will be commentating tonight, so he’ll have woken up in his Man Utd pyjamas and kissed his Rooney poster before coming to the ground today. By the way, these BT adverts are sort of like a League 2 playoff game- plenty of people watching, but really it bears no resemblance to what it should do whatsoever. I think I lost that analogy about 20 words ago.
19.35 - Time for predictions. I actually think Arsenal will do it tonight. I’m saying 2-0 to the Gunners. Why? I don’t know. Tough to call though. However, if you want an English team to win the whole thing, who would you rather have play Barcelona should they beat Chelsea tomorrow- United or Arsenal? Hmm.
19.36 - Look at Fabregas, trying to out-beard Xabi Alonso. Pah.
19.38 - Sheringham has looked 40 for all his life, but he’s not a bad pundit you know. Ronaldo looks up for tonight, as does John O’Shea, who might turn out to be a match winner. We’re close now, time for another advert break one suspects. I’m excited to see if David Pleat’s numerous cries for help via commentary will continue tonight.
19.42 - Great noise as they take to the pitch. ITV keep us in suspense for the commentary team. My money’s on Jim Beglin.
19.44 - ‘The Chaaaaaaampioooooons’. It’s Jim and Clive tonight.
19.45 - We’re up and running. Just saw Kusciak smelling his jacket behind Fergusson. I notice the important things…
19.46 - Ronaldo seems to be a lone striker with Park and Rooney supporting and helping the midfield at the same time.
19.47 - Easy, Rio. Fabregas keeps a high tempo by taking a long shot from 20 yards, it hits Ferdinand and luckily bounces wide for a corner which comes to nothing as Van Der Sar is impeded. It’s firey already. Mary J. Blimey, I’m excited.
19.49 - Great noise as Arsenal play keep ball for a while. Fabregas plays absolutely brilliant football. Beyond all doubt, he’s a star.
19.50 - Rooney nearly finds Anderson with cute ball into the area after Ronaldo controls beautifully, but As it comes to nothing Arsenal break and Van Persie puts a dangerous ball into the box. Shame Walcott was the target…
19.52 - GOAL - ARSENAL 0 - 1 MANCHESTER UNITED. Stunner. Real, real stunner. And Kieran Gibbs is being consoled already after he slips trying to cut out a wonderfully weighted cut back and lets in Ji Sung Park- whi still had a lot to do. Gibbs looks angry with himself, Wenger looks even worse, but you know he wont be blaming anyone- not really his style. Arsenal need 3, and they had started the better side. Typical United though.
19.54 - United fans are singing in their corner of the ground as Gibbs looks nervous in a clearance. Last week he was solid, this week looks to have destroyed him somewhat. United free kick.
19.55 - GOAL - ARSENAL 0 - 2 MANCHESTER UNITED. Maybe the best free kick you will see this year. Ronaldo whacks it from, what, 30 yards, out on the left of Almunia’s goal, and catches the Spaniard off guard totally. To even suggest it was outlandish is a sign you don’t know Ronaldo. Looks all over, this. Unless…
19.57 - Many would say this result is what the first leg score should have been anyway. Are they letting out frustration? If so, Arsenal should be worried. Jim is trying to say the free kick was ‘soft’, but I think it was a clattering which would have been given by any referee. United have everyone back when Arsenal have the ball. It’s been a mismatch these last few minutes.
19.58 - Carrick, for all his ability, is one ugly little man. Like a ferret, but…not…
20.00 - This makes for quite a boring 70mins of football now, unless Arsenal can hit a couple before half time. Only time is on their side. Unfortunately Ronaldo is not.
20.01 - Great save. Really good save from Almunia as Rooney curls one from 25 yards, the bleach blonde goalkeeper getting fingertips to the massively un-marked United man. Rooney, ironically, looks like a cup more and more every time I see them.
20.03 - I bet Lehmann is close to exploding. But lead singer (Teddy) must be beaming. Clive must be orgasming.
20.05 - Clive just tried to say ‘eligible’ and came out with ‘elnigleilable’. There must be something wrong with him. There just must be.
20.06 - Since going 2-0 up, United have been incredible with their passing. But up until the goal they hadn’t really looked like creating much. Strange game. Anderson makes a rash challenge- but what do you expect? He looks like Blade.
20.08 - Fletcher, despite possessing absolutely no talent, has been excellent for United this season and tonight he has already stood out. But…come on…he’s only there because he’s Scottish, right? Right?
20.10 - I sense more goals and I’m going to try and spice things up by saying one of them will be an absolute screamer. Not sure from who, or even which side, but hey, I’m just trying to make something to play for here.
20.11 - Clive hits borderline racism by comparing Adebeyour to Samuel L Jackson. I cannot think of any other reason other than ethnicity. Crazy. Even Pleat would have thought better of it.
20.14 - What are Arsenal doing giving Ronaldo and Rooney so much space? It seems Wenger’s game plan was to concentrate on their own attacking without paying much attention to their back line’s job. They really have not pressed enough at all. I should be a football manager, clearly.
20.15 - Sagna, or in France ‘La Sagna’, goes in on Ronaldo. Got the ball but got a lot of player as well. Another free kick…
20.16 - Held by Almunia. Damn. Hyped that one up and everything.
20.17 - This is nothing like Liverpool vs. Chelsea (4-4) that I covered last time. And may I just say, thank the good Lord. I don’t think my television would cope with the drama, it’s pretty old.
20.20 - They are clattering Ronaldo. Kind of ‘if we can’t play in the final you can’t either’ sort of stuff. Arsenal are just rattled, in my opinion.
20.22 - If things stay like this, here is a list of things I would rather do than watch the rest of this game. 1) Watch Trevor Brooking in Celebrity Big Brother. 2) Listen to Dimitar Berbatov tell me why he is misunderstood as a lazy, sulking moron. 3) Watch Tottenham vs. West Brom again. 4) Listen to Clive talk about his favourite United moments. Wait, number 4 happens all the time anyway…
20.23 - 5) Eat sick.
20.24 - 6) Watch Richard Littlejohn try to conjure an article that is remotely reflective of contemporary society.
20.25 - All these ironic cheers from Arsenal fans for any decision given to them makes me hope they do not come up with some sort of 3rd party excuse for the way they have (surely) lost this game… they have been outplayed, totally.
20.29 - Good chance for Ronaldo, edge of the box effort that goes safely into Almunia’s hands. The build up, however, was simple yet brilliant.
20.30 - Half time - Arsenal 0 - 2 Manchester United.
Who’d have thought it? Well, depending on your leanings and depending on how much of a fantasist you are, you may well have. United, probably the world’s best club, undid Arsenal’s game plan within the space of 10 minutes. If Park’s goal was unfortunate for Gibbs and the Gunners, Ronaldo’s was nothing short of genius. Talented bastard. I’m off for my obligatory half time yoghurt.
HALF TIME - Hahahahahaha! 2 things- the first is that I’ve just seen Fergusson’s celebration. It’s just getting worse- he needs to be tied to a chair. Secondly, ever-wise Steve Ryder claims that it’s not bad enough to be beaten by a Ronaldo rocket, but to have your former team mate (and rival for your position) watching is ‘even worse’. Fantastic television. ITV have created a pearl in an ocean of disappointment.
HALF TIME - ‘Almunia’s moment’. Ryder is almost enjoying this. Ronaldo’s free kick was from 41 yards by the way, which funnily enough is about as far as Berbatov has run all season.
HALF TIME - Sorry, but why oh why oh why is Jens Lehmann in on this punditry? Arsenal…ok…Champions League…ok….um, I can’t lie to you, all I can think about is his sending off in the final. That’s it. Sorry.
HALF TIME - Wenger and his assistant (I want to say Pat Rice…?) look like an evil double act who live on a mountain in a terrible children’s show. And he has to call Wenger ‘le Master’ all the time, or else he gets beaten.
HALF TIME - A friend of mine on Facebook has offered this option via his status: ‘…still has hope... Let's 'black up' Arshavin and give him a shirt with Diaby and number 2 on the back! There we go, 4 goals!’ I half think he’s not joking, especially with that terminology. They would need more than Arshavin on the field to overturn this United performance. My prediction, as usual, has been terrible.
20.45 - The second half is underway, which must surely be a formality for United. Another goal from either side, please. Reckon I paying for moaning during the Liverpool vs. Chelsea game?
20.46 - Though not totally identical, the referee’s kit is similar in style and colour to United’s blue away kit. Had they lost this, that might have been a talking point (knowing Sir Alex). Rooney must come off soon- why risk him getting booked and missing the final?
20.48 - Sniffer dogs at the Emirates, on the middle tier of the stand on one side. Maybe searching for Arsenal’s defence. Oh, aren’t I a bitch?
20.50 - Arsenal are treading a fine line between ‘pressing’ football and total wipeout stuff. They’re goading United a bit, here. Whether that’s natural frustration or tactical business, I don’t know. Feet are being left in though.
20.51 - Very good save, again, from Ronaldo by Almunia. The winger drives inside and fires a low shot at Almunia’s near post but the Spaniard saves. Seconds later, he tips a miscued cross from Anderson over the bar.
20.52 - United have played with almost 5 different lone strikers tonight, so abundant is their attacking threat. If Ronaldo’s not bursting through, it’s Rooney, or Park, or Fletcher, or Anderson. Fantastic to watch, really.
20.54 - Sagna is fouled on the edge of the box. He goes down and his hair follows a couple of seconds later. Must take him absolutely bloody ages in the morning. Van Persie takes the free kick and whips it just wide of the post in a cross-cum-shot effort.
20.55 - Arsenal started the night needing 1 goal to give themselves a chance at glory and within 15 minutes they needed 4 before they could even think about winning the tie. That’s without conceding any more. We have seen close to a master class from United, and as Arsenal fly in with tackles they are showing how not to bow out gracefully. I wouldn’t mind, but they’ve created nothing, so they can’t be too frustrated that United are running away with this.
20.57 - Giggs is warming up by running up and down the touchline. Berbatov is sitting down and blinking rapidly. I assume he’s warming up too, then.
21.00 - GOAL - ARSENAL 0 - 3 MANCHESTER UNITED. Holy cake. That is football as it should be played. United, defending in their own box, clear to Ronaldo deep inside his own half. He flicks to Park who glides the ball wide for Rooney, who unselfishly squares perfectly in front of Djourou and Almunia to find Ronaldo in the gap to shoot into the roof of the net. I swear, Clive swooned when he watched the replay. If you can get hold of the highlights or something, listen to Clive swoon. I think I am, in fact. Unbelievable goal.
21.02 - Walcott comes off for Arsenal. Quiet game for the man with painted on sideburns.
21.03 - Van Persie exlodes on the edge of the box and hit’s a shot comfortably close to Van der Sar. Vidic is currently down, which must mean he’s been hit by a train, nothing less would knock him down.
21.05 - Arsenal have not been too bad in their midfield or even up front, even if the chances have not come their way, but their defence has simply let United play in front of them and, eventually, destroy them.
21.06 - Rooney is replaced, finally. He will play in Rome should nothing occur between now and 27th May, and he will deserve to make his second appearance in 2 years. He’s only 23.
21.07 - Clive says something worthwhile, telling Ronaldo to lay off the tricks to respect their fallen but still feisty opponents. He wont want to pick up a knock because of showboating.
21.08 - 20 minutes of Arsenal gunning for pride and United looking to embarrass. Either way, there wont be many Arsenal fans left to see it…it’s looking rather empty at the Emirates. At 0-3 down, you may say you don’t blame them, but they have been beaten by a much, much better team over both legs, and they have not done enough wrong to warrant a walk out. Seems a bit of a kop-out, you Gooner bunch.
21.12 - PENALTY
RED CARD
21.13 - Darren Fletcher brings down Cecs Fabregas in the box and heartbreakingly, the least talented man in the team misses the final after a top class season in which he has given his team everything. He is judged to be last man despite, at first glance, looking like he played the ball…
21.15 - GOAL ARSENAL 1 - 3 MANCHESTER UNITED. Van Persie puts the penalty away, quite superbly to be fair. But the talking point is Fletcher and his early bath. Wrong decision, by looks of things. Wrong decision entirely. Even though I mock him, that is truly horrible for him, but you know Paul Scholes will have some wise words.
21.17 - Just seen it again, and it’s totally wrong. Many similarities to another terrible penalty decision involving Manchester United against Spurs but this is just a little different, you might say…
21.19 - Why do I feel sorry for Darren Fletcher?!?
21.20 - Arsenal, now a man up, could have done with that about half an hour ago. Time to close the game out for United, time for Arsenal to try and put some bums on seats.
21.22 - Arsenal showing some spirit now. Unbelievable, Wenger should be fuming. Fabregas shoots just wide after his free kick is blocked by the United wall. Do this in the first half and you have a game on your hands. Although, Adebayour had just run his studs down Carrick’s ankle, the prick. Surely even if you make contact with the ball it would stunt your movement? Crazy, and no excuses.
21.25 - Fabregas could have produced a lively conclusion but just guides it into Van der Sar’s hands. Apart from picking the ball out of the net, the Dutch goalkeeper hasn’t had anything to do.
21.26 - Whistle? Please? Starting to consider the Trevor Brooking idea.
21.26 - Amazing strike from Ronaldo from a free kick in much the same position that his first goal came from. He goes for the top corner this time, just firing it over. If Almunia got his hand to that one he would have gone with it.
21.27 - Clive reminds us that these two meet in the league in 11 days. Tasty.
21.28 - And then Clive goes and says that Ronaldo is ‘not afraid to shoot’ after he shoots over from another free kick. Thanks, Clive, his 65 goals in 2 seasons so far has not taught me anything, you know.
21.29 - Seconds left. Man of the Match is surely Ronaldo, but really it should go to the entire front 3. They have been excellent.
21.30 - Vela has come on, but not this very minute. He sneaked on some time ago. Pay attention, Hayward.
21.31 - FULL TIME - ARSENAL 1 MANCHESTER UNITED 3 (AGG 1-4)
Great game, and a tie summed up in United’s 3rd goal tonight- I.e. total dominance from the Red Devils. Arsenal struggled to contain their opponents as well as becoming frustrated in front of goal, and it shows that a couple of individual mistakes in a cup competition will cost you, and cost you dear. Arsenal finish another season without a trophy- how long will it be before Wenger starts to feel the Chairman’s breath on the back of his neck? Unthinkable, (you may think…)
19.32 - Jens Lehmann- yes, maybe the craziest man in the history of time- is a pundit for ITV. They really do pick them, don’t they? Steve Ryder presents, and along with Teddy Sheringham it makes the weirdest looking boy band you’ve ever seen in your life.
19.33 - Just thought of a name for them- ‘The Golden Age’. Andy Townsend is here as well, complete with orange complexion. Ryder looks like he’s listening but it’s hard to tell.
19.33 - Looks like it will be a cracking atmosphere (some would argue for the first time ever at the Emirates…) as ITV cut to their first break. I actually make that 2mins and 10secs. That’s horrific.
19.34 - I imagine Clive Tyldesley will be commentating tonight, so he’ll have woken up in his Man Utd pyjamas and kissed his Rooney poster before coming to the ground today. By the way, these BT adverts are sort of like a League 2 playoff game- plenty of people watching, but really it bears no resemblance to what it should do whatsoever. I think I lost that analogy about 20 words ago.
19.35 - Time for predictions. I actually think Arsenal will do it tonight. I’m saying 2-0 to the Gunners. Why? I don’t know. Tough to call though. However, if you want an English team to win the whole thing, who would you rather have play Barcelona should they beat Chelsea tomorrow- United or Arsenal? Hmm.
19.36 - Look at Fabregas, trying to out-beard Xabi Alonso. Pah.
19.38 - Sheringham has looked 40 for all his life, but he’s not a bad pundit you know. Ronaldo looks up for tonight, as does John O’Shea, who might turn out to be a match winner. We’re close now, time for another advert break one suspects. I’m excited to see if David Pleat’s numerous cries for help via commentary will continue tonight.
19.42 - Great noise as they take to the pitch. ITV keep us in suspense for the commentary team. My money’s on Jim Beglin.
19.44 - ‘The Chaaaaaaampioooooons’. It’s Jim and Clive tonight.
19.45 - We’re up and running. Just saw Kusciak smelling his jacket behind Fergusson. I notice the important things…
19.46 - Ronaldo seems to be a lone striker with Park and Rooney supporting and helping the midfield at the same time.
19.47 - Easy, Rio. Fabregas keeps a high tempo by taking a long shot from 20 yards, it hits Ferdinand and luckily bounces wide for a corner which comes to nothing as Van Der Sar is impeded. It’s firey already. Mary J. Blimey, I’m excited.
19.49 - Great noise as Arsenal play keep ball for a while. Fabregas plays absolutely brilliant football. Beyond all doubt, he’s a star.
19.50 - Rooney nearly finds Anderson with cute ball into the area after Ronaldo controls beautifully, but As it comes to nothing Arsenal break and Van Persie puts a dangerous ball into the box. Shame Walcott was the target…
19.52 - GOAL - ARSENAL 0 - 1 MANCHESTER UNITED. Stunner. Real, real stunner. And Kieran Gibbs is being consoled already after he slips trying to cut out a wonderfully weighted cut back and lets in Ji Sung Park- whi still had a lot to do. Gibbs looks angry with himself, Wenger looks even worse, but you know he wont be blaming anyone- not really his style. Arsenal need 3, and they had started the better side. Typical United though.
19.54 - United fans are singing in their corner of the ground as Gibbs looks nervous in a clearance. Last week he was solid, this week looks to have destroyed him somewhat. United free kick.
19.55 - GOAL - ARSENAL 0 - 2 MANCHESTER UNITED. Maybe the best free kick you will see this year. Ronaldo whacks it from, what, 30 yards, out on the left of Almunia’s goal, and catches the Spaniard off guard totally. To even suggest it was outlandish is a sign you don’t know Ronaldo. Looks all over, this. Unless…
19.57 - Many would say this result is what the first leg score should have been anyway. Are they letting out frustration? If so, Arsenal should be worried. Jim is trying to say the free kick was ‘soft’, but I think it was a clattering which would have been given by any referee. United have everyone back when Arsenal have the ball. It’s been a mismatch these last few minutes.
19.58 - Carrick, for all his ability, is one ugly little man. Like a ferret, but…not…
20.00 - This makes for quite a boring 70mins of football now, unless Arsenal can hit a couple before half time. Only time is on their side. Unfortunately Ronaldo is not.
20.01 - Great save. Really good save from Almunia as Rooney curls one from 25 yards, the bleach blonde goalkeeper getting fingertips to the massively un-marked United man. Rooney, ironically, looks like a cup more and more every time I see them.
20.03 - I bet Lehmann is close to exploding. But lead singer (Teddy) must be beaming. Clive must be orgasming.
20.05 - Clive just tried to say ‘eligible’ and came out with ‘elnigleilable’. There must be something wrong with him. There just must be.
20.06 - Since going 2-0 up, United have been incredible with their passing. But up until the goal they hadn’t really looked like creating much. Strange game. Anderson makes a rash challenge- but what do you expect? He looks like Blade.
20.08 - Fletcher, despite possessing absolutely no talent, has been excellent for United this season and tonight he has already stood out. But…come on…he’s only there because he’s Scottish, right? Right?
20.10 - I sense more goals and I’m going to try and spice things up by saying one of them will be an absolute screamer. Not sure from who, or even which side, but hey, I’m just trying to make something to play for here.
20.11 - Clive hits borderline racism by comparing Adebeyour to Samuel L Jackson. I cannot think of any other reason other than ethnicity. Crazy. Even Pleat would have thought better of it.
20.14 - What are Arsenal doing giving Ronaldo and Rooney so much space? It seems Wenger’s game plan was to concentrate on their own attacking without paying much attention to their back line’s job. They really have not pressed enough at all. I should be a football manager, clearly.
20.15 - Sagna, or in France ‘La Sagna’, goes in on Ronaldo. Got the ball but got a lot of player as well. Another free kick…
20.16 - Held by Almunia. Damn. Hyped that one up and everything.
20.17 - This is nothing like Liverpool vs. Chelsea (4-4) that I covered last time. And may I just say, thank the good Lord. I don’t think my television would cope with the drama, it’s pretty old.
20.20 - They are clattering Ronaldo. Kind of ‘if we can’t play in the final you can’t either’ sort of stuff. Arsenal are just rattled, in my opinion.
20.22 - If things stay like this, here is a list of things I would rather do than watch the rest of this game. 1) Watch Trevor Brooking in Celebrity Big Brother. 2) Listen to Dimitar Berbatov tell me why he is misunderstood as a lazy, sulking moron. 3) Watch Tottenham vs. West Brom again. 4) Listen to Clive talk about his favourite United moments. Wait, number 4 happens all the time anyway…
20.23 - 5) Eat sick.
20.24 - 6) Watch Richard Littlejohn try to conjure an article that is remotely reflective of contemporary society.
20.25 - All these ironic cheers from Arsenal fans for any decision given to them makes me hope they do not come up with some sort of 3rd party excuse for the way they have (surely) lost this game… they have been outplayed, totally.
20.29 - Good chance for Ronaldo, edge of the box effort that goes safely into Almunia’s hands. The build up, however, was simple yet brilliant.
20.30 - Half time - Arsenal 0 - 2 Manchester United.
Who’d have thought it? Well, depending on your leanings and depending on how much of a fantasist you are, you may well have. United, probably the world’s best club, undid Arsenal’s game plan within the space of 10 minutes. If Park’s goal was unfortunate for Gibbs and the Gunners, Ronaldo’s was nothing short of genius. Talented bastard. I’m off for my obligatory half time yoghurt.
HALF TIME - Hahahahahaha! 2 things- the first is that I’ve just seen Fergusson’s celebration. It’s just getting worse- he needs to be tied to a chair. Secondly, ever-wise Steve Ryder claims that it’s not bad enough to be beaten by a Ronaldo rocket, but to have your former team mate (and rival for your position) watching is ‘even worse’. Fantastic television. ITV have created a pearl in an ocean of disappointment.
HALF TIME - ‘Almunia’s moment’. Ryder is almost enjoying this. Ronaldo’s free kick was from 41 yards by the way, which funnily enough is about as far as Berbatov has run all season.
HALF TIME - Sorry, but why oh why oh why is Jens Lehmann in on this punditry? Arsenal…ok…Champions League…ok….um, I can’t lie to you, all I can think about is his sending off in the final. That’s it. Sorry.
HALF TIME - Wenger and his assistant (I want to say Pat Rice…?) look like an evil double act who live on a mountain in a terrible children’s show. And he has to call Wenger ‘le Master’ all the time, or else he gets beaten.
HALF TIME - A friend of mine on Facebook has offered this option via his status: ‘…still has hope... Let's 'black up' Arshavin and give him a shirt with Diaby and number 2 on the back! There we go, 4 goals!’ I half think he’s not joking, especially with that terminology. They would need more than Arshavin on the field to overturn this United performance. My prediction, as usual, has been terrible.
20.45 - The second half is underway, which must surely be a formality for United. Another goal from either side, please. Reckon I paying for moaning during the Liverpool vs. Chelsea game?
20.46 - Though not totally identical, the referee’s kit is similar in style and colour to United’s blue away kit. Had they lost this, that might have been a talking point (knowing Sir Alex). Rooney must come off soon- why risk him getting booked and missing the final?
20.48 - Sniffer dogs at the Emirates, on the middle tier of the stand on one side. Maybe searching for Arsenal’s defence. Oh, aren’t I a bitch?
20.50 - Arsenal are treading a fine line between ‘pressing’ football and total wipeout stuff. They’re goading United a bit, here. Whether that’s natural frustration or tactical business, I don’t know. Feet are being left in though.
20.51 - Very good save, again, from Ronaldo by Almunia. The winger drives inside and fires a low shot at Almunia’s near post but the Spaniard saves. Seconds later, he tips a miscued cross from Anderson over the bar.
20.52 - United have played with almost 5 different lone strikers tonight, so abundant is their attacking threat. If Ronaldo’s not bursting through, it’s Rooney, or Park, or Fletcher, or Anderson. Fantastic to watch, really.
20.54 - Sagna is fouled on the edge of the box. He goes down and his hair follows a couple of seconds later. Must take him absolutely bloody ages in the morning. Van Persie takes the free kick and whips it just wide of the post in a cross-cum-shot effort.
20.55 - Arsenal started the night needing 1 goal to give themselves a chance at glory and within 15 minutes they needed 4 before they could even think about winning the tie. That’s without conceding any more. We have seen close to a master class from United, and as Arsenal fly in with tackles they are showing how not to bow out gracefully. I wouldn’t mind, but they’ve created nothing, so they can’t be too frustrated that United are running away with this.
20.57 - Giggs is warming up by running up and down the touchline. Berbatov is sitting down and blinking rapidly. I assume he’s warming up too, then.
21.00 - GOAL - ARSENAL 0 - 3 MANCHESTER UNITED. Holy cake. That is football as it should be played. United, defending in their own box, clear to Ronaldo deep inside his own half. He flicks to Park who glides the ball wide for Rooney, who unselfishly squares perfectly in front of Djourou and Almunia to find Ronaldo in the gap to shoot into the roof of the net. I swear, Clive swooned when he watched the replay. If you can get hold of the highlights or something, listen to Clive swoon. I think I am, in fact. Unbelievable goal.
21.02 - Walcott comes off for Arsenal. Quiet game for the man with painted on sideburns.
21.03 - Van Persie exlodes on the edge of the box and hit’s a shot comfortably close to Van der Sar. Vidic is currently down, which must mean he’s been hit by a train, nothing less would knock him down.
21.05 - Arsenal have not been too bad in their midfield or even up front, even if the chances have not come their way, but their defence has simply let United play in front of them and, eventually, destroy them.
21.06 - Rooney is replaced, finally. He will play in Rome should nothing occur between now and 27th May, and he will deserve to make his second appearance in 2 years. He’s only 23.
21.07 - Clive says something worthwhile, telling Ronaldo to lay off the tricks to respect their fallen but still feisty opponents. He wont want to pick up a knock because of showboating.
21.08 - 20 minutes of Arsenal gunning for pride and United looking to embarrass. Either way, there wont be many Arsenal fans left to see it…it’s looking rather empty at the Emirates. At 0-3 down, you may say you don’t blame them, but they have been beaten by a much, much better team over both legs, and they have not done enough wrong to warrant a walk out. Seems a bit of a kop-out, you Gooner bunch.
21.12 - PENALTY
RED CARD
21.13 - Darren Fletcher brings down Cecs Fabregas in the box and heartbreakingly, the least talented man in the team misses the final after a top class season in which he has given his team everything. He is judged to be last man despite, at first glance, looking like he played the ball…
21.15 - GOAL ARSENAL 1 - 3 MANCHESTER UNITED. Van Persie puts the penalty away, quite superbly to be fair. But the talking point is Fletcher and his early bath. Wrong decision, by looks of things. Wrong decision entirely. Even though I mock him, that is truly horrible for him, but you know Paul Scholes will have some wise words.
21.17 - Just seen it again, and it’s totally wrong. Many similarities to another terrible penalty decision involving Manchester United against Spurs but this is just a little different, you might say…
21.19 - Why do I feel sorry for Darren Fletcher?!?
21.20 - Arsenal, now a man up, could have done with that about half an hour ago. Time to close the game out for United, time for Arsenal to try and put some bums on seats.
21.22 - Arsenal showing some spirit now. Unbelievable, Wenger should be fuming. Fabregas shoots just wide after his free kick is blocked by the United wall. Do this in the first half and you have a game on your hands. Although, Adebayour had just run his studs down Carrick’s ankle, the prick. Surely even if you make contact with the ball it would stunt your movement? Crazy, and no excuses.
21.25 - Fabregas could have produced a lively conclusion but just guides it into Van der Sar’s hands. Apart from picking the ball out of the net, the Dutch goalkeeper hasn’t had anything to do.
21.26 - Whistle? Please? Starting to consider the Trevor Brooking idea.
21.26 - Amazing strike from Ronaldo from a free kick in much the same position that his first goal came from. He goes for the top corner this time, just firing it over. If Almunia got his hand to that one he would have gone with it.
21.27 - Clive reminds us that these two meet in the league in 11 days. Tasty.
21.28 - And then Clive goes and says that Ronaldo is ‘not afraid to shoot’ after he shoots over from another free kick. Thanks, Clive, his 65 goals in 2 seasons so far has not taught me anything, you know.
21.29 - Seconds left. Man of the Match is surely Ronaldo, but really it should go to the entire front 3. They have been excellent.
21.30 - Vela has come on, but not this very minute. He sneaked on some time ago. Pay attention, Hayward.
21.31 - FULL TIME - ARSENAL 1 MANCHESTER UNITED 3 (AGG 1-4)
Great game, and a tie summed up in United’s 3rd goal tonight- I.e. total dominance from the Red Devils. Arsenal struggled to contain their opponents as well as becoming frustrated in front of goal, and it shows that a couple of individual mistakes in a cup competition will cost you, and cost you dear. Arsenal finish another season without a trophy- how long will it be before Wenger starts to feel the Chairman’s breath on the back of his neck? Unthinkable, (you may think…)
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