Flog - Chelsea vs Liverpool, Champs League 2nd Leg, Live Text.

Chelsea vs. Liverpool (Champions League, Quarter Final, 2nd leg)

So. A night that will probably feel as long as the time it took to write that heading. I prefer the London Lite’s version (CL QF 2L), even if it does look like a flight number at an airport. That aside, this will be my as-I-see-it review of the game, event by event, until we find out who will go through to the CL SF L1+2. I promise you I’m writing this as it happens, so I’m going to predict my score - 2-1 Liverpool. Always a safe bet that, 2-1. Don’t rule out the other team, but still go with gut instinct. Easy.

19:30 - Just found out that Gerrard is not fit to play. What a huge blow. Just his name on the team sheet inspires Liverpool, and he’s not even on the bench.

19:40 - Why is Joe Cole a pundit on the game? Surely you should be able to speak without people laughing at your voice before you are allowed on screen. Andy Townsend, a bookend of ITV’s sporting coverage, also lines up. As it goes, he went to my Secondary School (and still holds the long jump record. True story.)

19:41 - We have hit ITV’s 112th ad break (only 2 more to go) before the game starts. An annoying phone advert is on. Just to add to my last posty thing- Delia Smith also went to my school. That’s right. That drunk bint who owns Norwich.

19:43: This is a bit like that BBC Live Text thing, except without obnoxious morons bleating on to Caroline ‘Cheesey’ Cheese, thinking their opinion matters. Leave that to me, you bastards.

19:45 - Anyone else join in when that UEFA Champions League music plays? ‘Chaaaampioooons…do do do do do dooo.’

1946 - They’re a minute late kicking off. Disgusting. That or my clock is fast. The pitch, by the way, looks immaculate. Clive Tyldsley is grating already. We’ve kicked off mid sentence.

19:46 - Alex, the Chelsea centre back, looks like an ice cream man.

19:47 - Both captains out of this one. Just occurred to me. Looking like a brilliant blog this one…

19:48 - Reina collects a Kalou cross. Might be a common theme, that. Clive is reeling off his typical badgerings, the ever reliable ‘if Chelsea score, Liverpool’s task doesn’t REALLY change…’ Thank you Clive. Insightful.

19:49 - Holy choc muffins, I can see why the BBC Live Text is so behind sometimes. I’m only on one game and it’s nearly killing me.

19:49 - Xabi Alonso, the sexiest player in history in every way, puts it out for a throw. Chelsea will be happy with this low tempo start.

19:50 - Ivanovic is very ugly, isn’t he? He is a very Football Manager type signing. Scout Eastern Europe!

19:51 - Drogba is holding his balls unceremoniously. Oh, apparently it’s his calf. Although, he was off the pitch, until he rolled back on- accidentally of course- and play stops. Frustrating for Liverpool who appeal. Ridiculous scenario, but it worked.

19:53 - Torres looks a little lonely without Stevie. They would be some gorgeous offspring.

19:55 - Reina comes about 180 yards off his line, 4 yards short of his personal best, to clear away from the onrushing Drogba, who seems to have recovered from his nad/calf injury.

19:56 - Martin Skrtel could easily punch an elephant into a coma. What the hell do they feed them in Slovakia?

19:57 - No breakthroughs as of yet. Chelsea wont mind, though. Arbeloa is fouled by Malouda, who has styled his hair tonight on Petr Cech’s goalie hat. Surely he doesn’t need that anymore. As I write this ridiculous rant, Cech punches nervously. Clive has just mistaken Bolton (who Chelsea played at the weekend) for Blackburn. Call a spade a spade, I suppose.

19:58 - Benayoun looks like a vampire in a children’s cartoon. Christ, why am I commenting on how everyone looks tonight? Oh, that’s right. Because nothing is happening.

19:59 - Oh me. Oh my. Torres, any other day of the week, would have scored that. Benayoun, the vampire, flicks it to Torres who misses from about 15 yards. A chance to set some nerves off.

20:00 - Stuff be happening!! Lampard races up the other end to take a rather central (if long distance) free kick just wide. Reina was struggling.

20:01 - Ashley Cole puts the worst cross in ever. Perhaps harsh, but someone who earns £80k a week and claims to be ‘tired’ in April can piss right off in my book.

20:02 - Tackles flying now (hooray). Aurellio is fouled by Kalou, apparently. Dangerous free kick, well it would have been, had he not flighted it over everyone. Foul, this time by Mascherano.

20:03 - GOAL: Chelsea 0 Liverpool 1. What a goal. What. A. Goal. I don’t care what anyone says. Aurellio makes a much better free kick out of it this time, looking like he will float it in only to power it at the near post from 30 yards. What a goal. Game on? Not yet…

20:04 - I only went downstairs for some dinner. I come back and Liverpool have a free kick and score. I wonder what happens when I get my dessert.

20:05 - Ballack is nearly killed by two Liverpool players. Sandwiched, nothing more. Chelsea look flat.

20:06 - Lucas looks up for it. If anyone needs a good game- it’s him. This game has sparked into life so much that I’ve hardly heard Clive’s witterings.

20:06 - I wonder what is going through Joe Cole’s head right now? You know, apart from pretty colours and shiny things.

20:08 - Chelsea are playing crap, but they are still a good side, let nobody ignore that. Liverpool went 1-0 up last week, remember?

20:09 - Essien vs. Mascherano. Ridiculous battle. Chelsea free kick…

20:10 - Already, Chelsea arent committing to free kicks. If I was Guus, which I hope one day I will be, I would be annoyed.

20:11 - All Liverpool. Benayoun nearly gets in but Ivanovic tracks back. So close, sort of. Aurellio, another free kick…oh wow. Flag up. PENALTY. My God. Was about to say Chelsea survive, Skrtel fires over from a yard, but Ivanovic, man of the moment, holds Xabi Alonso while he ran in. I know he’s hard to resist, but…

20:12 - GOAL: Chelsea 0 Liverpool 2. THIS IS RIDICULOUS. Xabi, the man who was fouled, puts away the penalty, sending Cech the wrong way. I literally cannot wait for the next hour of football. Luckily, I don’t have to. Ridiculous. Never write them off.

20:14 - My dinner is nearly cold in front of me. So much to type. Imagine what could they do with Gerrard??

20:15 - This is getting massively tense. Chelsea are trying to just muscle through, and earn a free kick. Tense, nervy, almost painfully brilliant. Lampard hits the wall, a corner comes out of it.

20:17 - Alonso plays the most sublime ball for Aurello and he muscles in for a corner. Comes to nothing.

20:19 - Anelka is being readied. What a massive switch this could be, depending on who Guus takes off.

20:20 - Kalou comes off. No the worst thing in the world. Expect Drogba to hold the ball up a lot more. Immediately, Lampard fires a header into a Liverpool defender. don’t know which one, don’t care. Reina punches the corner. If Liverpool get to half time on this, they will be elated.

20:21 - A lot of free kicks for Chelsea here at the moment. They need to make one pay, what with their aerial threat. God, I was trying to make this funny, but I’m too tense. Reina makes the save after a brilliant ball in.

20:22 - Torres is given a lot of room but misplaces his pass, which is duly replicated by Alex, the ice cream man. Clive just said ‘Wishe Wordsh’ in honour of Guus. Cretin.

20:23 - Sammy Lee is told to get back to his cage by the referee. So many free kicks, Reina is doing well enough though.

20: 25 - Essien misplaces a pass. This is not the Chelsea of last week. Indeed, this is not the Liverpool of last week.

20:25 - You have no idea how many times I have misspelled ‘kicks’ tonight.

20:26 - Benayoun is booked for another foul. He KICKED Drogba and Malouda takes the free KICK. Ivanovic gets the header but sends it wide. Liverpool will want a shut out before half time.

20:27 - My dessert is a yoghurt, everyone. It wont be opened until half time though.

20:27 - Clive is trying to talk about fouling in the box. Just shut up, Clive, and talk about the pretty pictures on your magic box. Free kick to Liverpool. Dangerous but straight to Cech.

20:28 - Lampard has been quiet tonight, which is worrying for Liverpool, because he has every right to smash in a deflected goal before this night’s out.

20:29 - Great cross from Mascherano, the little ferret drifting out wide. He has ability more than his unglamorous position suggests. Clive just said Chelsea are ‘hanging on by half a goal’. What does that mean? Really? Drogba gives away another corner. Another word I seem to be struggling to spell.

20:30 - Let me have my yoghurt!!

20:30 - WHAT A SAVE. Clive, of course, doesn’t give it enough credit. Kuyt floats a header towards the far post and Cech claws it away. Straight after, a scramble in the box leads to a Chelsea free kick for absolutely nothing. They have really taken it to them, and are unlucky not to be winning this tie at half time after that. My yoghurt nearly went everywhere.

20:31 - HALF TIME. THANK THE GOOD LORD. My hands cant take it. See you for the second half, I may take a nap.

20:35 - JOE COLE: ‘the pressure was on Liverpool, I know that might sound strange. They’re honest boys, they want to work for the team. Now we’ve got to go and score a goal. Half time happened at the right time for us. We’re going to calm down now, go out there, and try and score a goal.’ Incisive. After 2 words, John Toshak has beaten Cole’s vocabulary. Twice. Back to your colours, Joe.

20:37 - Andy Townsend (long jump extraordinaire) gets his little video gismo out and guides us through the first goal. How much can you guide us through it? ‘He shot, everyone thought he would cross. He didn’t. He scored.’ Christ. Joe Cole looks like Oliver Twist. To be fair, I bet if he was on the pitch he would change this game. Great player, just a dunce.

20:45 - Joe Cole is ‘confident’. He is also ‘dippy’. Kick off. Yoghurt was lovely, by the way.

20:46 - Clive is telling us all the essential facts about things that happened in the past. The way ITV play up their coverage, you’d think they produce history out of their arses, so I don’t know why they bother.

20:46 - By the way, Jim Beglin is tonight’s co commentator. And WOAH. Cech comes racing off his line (a ‘Reina’) but Lucas races away. Aurello eventually puts in a poor cross, but it’s a high paced start. Alex Zooms (ha??) along the touchline, racing about 99 (ha?!?) yards, and puts it out for a throw. Liverpool on top.

20:47 - Liverpool fans are louder, a lot louder. In fact when the referee gives a free kick to Chelsea, they groan the loudest. (not that Chelsea would groan….I know what I MEANT, SO SHUT UP)

20:48 - Mistakes for Chelsea but they have more possession now. They need a goal, they cant sit on this for 45 minutes. Ashley Cole puts in the 2nd worst cross of the game, nearly beating his own record. Liverpool in possession again.

20:49 - No pressure from Chelsea what so ever. Torres might fancy a little bite at this soon enough, he has been quiet apart from his chance. Which right now might have been putting Liverpool through.

20:50 - GOAL: Chelsea 1 Liverpool 2. Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear. Reina, you weak link. What a terrible keeper on his off days. Cross comes in from Anelka, the tiniest flick from Drogba (who celebrates like he’s scored from 40 yards) takes it…actually…nowhere away from Reina. He fumbles it in. Cue Clive’s ‘nothing has changed for Liverpool’ talk. Massive goal though. Much undeserved as well.

20:51 - Chelsea fans, inevitably, start responding to the team’s efforts, if you can call it that. Liverpool look drained again. But anything might happen.

20:53 - Abramovic is shown in the stands, as usual not looking fully interested and thoroughly confused by someone explaining the away goals rule. Babel, who scored a belter in this fixture last year, is warming up.

20:55 - Liverpool need to step it up. Meanwhile, my yoghurt is churning in my stomach. Updates later. Lampard stands over another free kick. As does Drogba. Another goal here and it should be over.

20:56 - Hahaha. No doubt, that is one of the funniest sounds ever. Drogba’s excellent free kick hits- and nestles- in the side netting as fans everywhere celebrate only to realise they were very wrong. I’m getting very tired here, though. I need an assistant.

20:57 - ANOTHER free kick. Central again. So many candidates. They will hope it goes the right side this time.

20:58 - GOAL: Chelsea 2 Liverpool 2. And it does. Heartbreak for Liverpool, who have been terrible in the opening exchanges. With the calibre of free kick takers, you would thik they would ease up on the challenges, but Alex, the ice cream man, thunders it into the roof of the net. It swerved, but yet again Reina is a little culpable. What a game.

20:59 - Chelsea’s moronic fans start singing at Liverpool’s. ‘Sing when you’re winning’ springs to mind. It’s Europe, ladies and gentlemen. You wouldn’t get that at Anfield.

21:00 - Half an hour to go, Liverpool need that first half to happen again. It can, believe me. Chelsea crack out ‘you’re not singing any more’. Ironic.

21:00 - There wont be extra time, 'thank God', I have to say, on behalf of my fingers.

21:01: Alex has another chance. Honestly, what are Liverpool playing at with these tackles? Nobody has been substituted yet, so you will have to wait for my next installment of ‘Players who look like things’.

21:02 -I am dying, honestly, I am dying. What a game though. Lucas is playing very far forward. Chance for Liverpool, Cech saves from Mascherano. If that had gone in, I may have given up.

21:04 - Ashley Cole misses the CL SF L1 (oh yes, that’s the lingo for you) after picking up a booking. He typically protests. Cech comes for the punch and gets it, but should have perhaps caught it.

21:06 - Ballack should have scored. Drogba races away and centres it for the big German and he hits it tamely at Reina. That’s the concern as Liverpool pour forward.

21:07 - Can somebody please get injured for a couple of minutes? Ah. Malouda, thanks.

21:08 - Play restarts. Calm down you little televised bastards.

21:09 - Albert Riera comes on for Mascherano, which seems crazy, as Lucas has struggled a bit more since the Chelsea goals and the Argentine could have been kept on for his energy. It’s make or break, Rafa. Think about it.

21:10 -Corner to Chelsea. Liverpool break. Riera continues from his display against Blackburn by putting in a terrible cross. I do not rate him. Do not rate him at all. And he has a shit little beard.

21:12 - Ashley Cole tries to join the big boys up front. It’s hard not to think that Gerrard would have made a massive difference in this half, which has gone horribly against Liverpool. Arbeloa is booked.

21:13 - If Liverpool get anything in the next 10 minutes, it will get interesting. If not, this game might just fizzle out. Sad but true. By the way, Joe Cole is probably smiling at the moment, maybe because of the score, but more than likely because he just broke wind or something.

21:15 - GOAL: Chelsea 3 Liverpool 2. Liverpool sloppy, Chelsea take advantage, and what did I say? Lampard to score a deflected goal. To be fair, it came off Reina, who has been horribly exposed in this half. Drogba squares and Lampard squeezes it in. Game over. Massively deserved considering Liverpool’s terrible second half showing. What a game.

21:17 - Other teams will expose Chelsea a lot more than this, but who better to test yourself against than Barcelona? Liverpool need 3 goals again. It wont happen. Will it?

21:18 - No.

21:19 - This was always tactics vs passion, in both legs of this tie, and tactics has won through twice it seems. Just over 10 minutes left. Expect this game to be closed out. Please. My yoghurt cant settle. (told you I would update you).

21:20 - ANOTHER FREE KICK. Ballack this time, but he floats wide. They’re queuing up for these now, and they’ll all get a turn if Liverpool keep tackling like this. Are they testing Reina, or something?

21:21 - GOAL: Chelsea 3 Liverpool 3. Oh. You are kidding. Lucas has scored, and nobody seems to really care that the scoreline is 3-3. I am not saying anything. I cannot believe this. Deflected past Cech, it might galvanise Liverpool a bit, but they only have 10 minutes. My fingers are bloody. My yoghurt is not being digested well.

21:23 - GOAL: Chelsea 3 Liverpool 4. PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE. WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON?? Liverpool score, and would you believe it, Riera puts in the ball and Kuyt scores. But they’ve taken off Torres- what a decision that is now. 10 minutes to go. Still.

21:24 - Drogba goes close. Again. I’m dying here, honestly. And this is what I want to do for a living. What a game I chose to report on. Alonso just head butted Skrtel, accidentally, and is probably seeing stars. For the next 11 years.

21:25 - If Liverpool had put this effort into the first half of the second half (with me?) they would be flying away with this. I am stunned, honestly I am. ‘5 minute football match’, Clive just stated. He is starting to ring true. THAT’S how mad this game is. Joe Cole is probably dead.

21:26 - Corner to Chelsea, taken short. Liverpool now breaking though, Babel is coming away. There are no words for this game, truly. This will go down in history, as ITV will remind us of for the rest of time.

21:27 - How Gerrard would love to be on that pitch right now. It’s a game made for him, simply made for him.

21:28 - GOAL: Chelsea 4 Liverpool 4. GAME OVER. SURELY. SURELY. SURELY. SURELY. Lampard curls in a wonderful finish from just inside the box which hits both posts and books their place. No doubt. This game should come with a health warning. I really hope the fans don’t give each other too much stick, what with what this week represents, especially on Merseyside, because this has been one of the greatest European nights ever.

21:29 - Liverpool fans sing You’ll Never Walk Alone immediately after Benayoun has a shot cleared off the line. Yes, that would have been 5-4 to Liverpool. Shame, this game needed goals... 3 extra minutes. If Liverpool do it, I will eat my left arm. Which would unsettle the yoghurt, to say the least.

21:30 - These players should be embracing each other. It’s surely over, let it go referee. Drogba gets cramp in his calf, not his nads. Abramovic is shown again. He must be pleased- 4 home runs!

21:32 - Remember Aurello’s goal? I don’t.

21:33 - Liverpool still attack. I suppose if you have Alonso in your ranks, you can score from anywhere. Nearly over. Jim Beglin tries to talk about Hillsborough, Clive talks about how Moscow ‘hurt’ Chelsea. He’s back in business as the most idiotic commentator ever.

21:34 - Full time: Chelsea 4 Liverpool 4 (7-5 on aggregate). Thank the lord. If I thought the first half was good, the second was unstoppably brilliant. Well done both teams, but I am actually going to bed now and sleeping for 3 years. What a game. And if you’ve made it this far, well done. Because I nearly didn’t.