Flog - Away the Lads

April fools! Alan Shearer has taken the reigns at Newcastle! ‘Hahaha!’- we chortled- as every newspaper in England reported the surely false appointment of Newcastle’s favourite son as manager. Then after midday, it continued. Any April fool that happens after midday is bad luck, and, as we all know, newspapers are extremely suspicious like that.
However- shock upon shock- we eventually learnt that the rumbles were in fact true, it’s just that it had broken on an unfortunate day. Come the end of the season people might be talking about how Newcastle had 38 of them over the last 9 months, but nonetheless Shearer has taken on not just his dream job but also a win-win situation. Whenever Newcastle have changed managers over the past seasons, the balding behemoth that is Shearer was always mentioned. The one to save them, galvanise them, make them a force once again. This time, however, the circumstances are of course much different. With 8 games to play- as Alan kept reminding us- Newcastle are looking at the unthinkable. However he has inherited what can only be described as a royal mess of a club, both behind the scenes and on the pitch. After his departure, he will return one day in a full managerial role, and nobody would hold anything against him should he be the man who oversees their demise into the second tier of English football. He would be welcomed back in 10 years. Heaven knows if he keeps them up, he’d be welcomed back in 10 minutes.
It’s that word though -’galvanise’. It’s becoming very overused whenever a new manager is installed at a club. When Redknapp took over at Spurs so early in the season, all the talk was a ‘new, galvanised spirit’ at White Hart Lane. Then, during Tony Adams’ eventually ill-fated stint at Portsmouth where ‘Arry was once so revered, their slump was put down to the lack of a galvanising figure. It doesn’t seem to mean much anymore, except sounding like some sort of heartburn tablet.
As it happened, Newcastle’s heartburn continued, losing 0-2 to Chelsea on Saturday , having already been dealt bad news before a ball had even been kicked by learning Blackburn had beaten Spurs to ease out of trouble for the time being- and more importantly out of reach. Shearer has galvanised Newcastle about as much as Gareth Southgate has galvanised the sales of red ties and waiste-coat combinations.
Yes, all seems to be doom and gloom up in the North East, what with the bottom 4 places in the Premiership being filled by 3 of it’s clubs. Most troubling seems to be Middlesbrough, whose defenders on Saturday against Bolton looked as non-existent as their hopes of staying in the league. Gareth Southgate- I’m sure on the verge of tears- gave a special mention to the next 2 games his side face as being ‘must wins’. Well, yes. I think he’s getting the hang of this management lark.
A good weekend for the top 4 sides, cementing their place as the superior clubs in the league despite Aston Villa’s early attempts to upset the party. Having said that, Villa deserved more than to lose so late in the game at Old Trafford, but we cannot take anything away from the little cocky Italian kid who notched the winner. Great goal, but looks a bit of a dick. That’s what we like!
Liverpool beat Fulham at Craven Cottage in a smug ‘that’s how you do it’ kind of way, with Yossi Benayoun getting the winner in added time. It was crossbar challenge for Liverpool in the 90 minutes before the goal, hitting the woodwork 4 times. I’m sure Benitez is creating a team of absolutely ridiculously good looking footballers, which is why Benayoun is benched each week and Xabi Alonso, Steven Gerrard, Fernando Torres and Pepe Reina (ok, maybe not him, but still) get the glory.
Speaking of ridiculously good looking, Jamie Redknapp has fast become one of the nations favourite pundits for Sky Sports, and rightly so. Finally we have somebody who will tell it like it is and also has at least a relatively recent experience of Premiership football. And he can talk in plain English- none of these cliché’s that seem to roll off the tongues of all pundits, and yes I am looking at you, David Pleat.