Go back in time, ask yourself this question then slap yourself in the face for even considering it: ‘Would you like to watch All the Small Things on BBC1 or would you like to watch Barcelona vs. Chelsea in the Champions League Semi-Final?’
Now fast forward again, apologise for slapping yourself and call all your friends to ask if they Sky +’d BBC1 over the last 90 minutes. (’+’d’, by the way, is supposed to be ‘plus-ed’. I’m hoping to get a free box for the advertising.)
Yes. Believe it or not, watching middle aged church goers singing (or something, I can happily admit I have never caught an episode) would have been more entertaining than watching the most gifted footballers on Earth playing a crucial game of football. Florent Malouda played, as well.
In fact, Barcelona were almost too gifted. Too much dancing around with step overs and flicks to actually stick the thing in the back of the net. And with it, possibly the worst actor in the world playing as their full back in Daniel Alves. And his hair looks like a cushion.
On ITV1, Steve Ryder did his absolute best to keep us enthralled in what was essentially a bore draw. There’s something about Ryder. Something…horsey. I really can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it’s the yellow hair, or the fact that he could play the lonely drunk who smokes 50 a day in a council flat on an episode of Casualty and is found by a neighbour who doesn’t even know his surname despite living next door to him for almost a decade. ‘We don’t see him for days on end, Charlie’. Sure you don’t.
Erm, yeah. Anyway…
As for Chelsea’s approach, it took on a rather yellow brick wall effect, and to be fair it worked if they simply wanted to stop Barcelona scoring. They are in fact the first club to prevent the Catalan giants from doing so on home soil this season, as ITV1’s commentary team pointed out three-hundred and seven times over the course of the evening. Just on that note, David Pleat enjoyed a rather quiet game tonight. Maybe the dementia is catching up with him.
The best chance of the night was squandered by Bojan, Barcelona’s nine year old striker who only hours earlier looked like he’d taken a SATs exam. Or whatever they call it in Spain. ‘El Testio’, or whatever. I all seriousness, if the tie comes down to the odd goal in Chelsea’s favour, his point blank headed miss will not be easily forgotten.
So a quick word on tomorrow’s all-English semi-final between Manchester United and Arsenal at Old Trafford, and this one does not look like it will be cagey at all. Unlike Barcelona, Arsenal know they have vulnerabilities whether it be at home or away. Home advantage in the 2nd leg may not mean as much to them as it would other teams, so I expect the Gunners to full blown go for it. United need to take something back to the Emirates if they want to hold onto the trophy, and an on-form Rooney and a firing Ronaldo will be essential for their cause. However, keep this in your mind: if Arsenal win, we’ll be seeing that weird, skin stretching, leathery smile Wenger’s been carrying around on his face for the past few weeks for a lot longer. It’s like a crow being sick.
28 April 2009
26 April 2009
Flog - disclaimer...
Right, this Blogging lark is very new, shiny and, above all, everywhere- but it's becoming very annoying to work properly.
In case anyone is wondering, Flog had a bit of a backlog to get through, so these 'April' posts are not all from April, and these are not being displayed in the correct order in which they were written (but will be from now on, mind).
Basically, I'm trying not to look like a moron despite it looking like I've posted something about Hillsborough on the same day as a Flog about Newcastle. It's just how it's worked out, you see.
Lots of love.
In case anyone is wondering, Flog had a bit of a backlog to get through, so these 'April' posts are not all from April, and these are not being displayed in the correct order in which they were written (but will be from now on, mind).
Basically, I'm trying not to look like a moron despite it looking like I've posted something about Hillsborough on the same day as a Flog about Newcastle. It's just how it's worked out, you see.
Lots of love.
Flog - Hillsborough
This is a quick one.
I couldn't let yesterday pass without some sort of comment, what with thousands of people turning out not only at Anfield, but at Hillsborough and in Nottingham, to remember the 96 who died at Hillsborough. I'm always one for an epic statement of sorts, and there's not alot that will move me to tears that has not directly affected me, but the Kop screaming choruses of 'Justice for the 96'- just as they did against Arsenal 2 years ago in the FA Cup quater final- brought up emotion I don't think I've ever really felt before. Their voices heard around Liverpool, the anger in which it was directed was mind blowing enough, but for that anger to be brought out of the horrendous and tragic events of that day shows just how much there is still to be said about Hillsborough.
Probably just some of the many quotes from last night's news coverage that should make us all take a moment.
'What gets me the most is how he has been gone for longer than he was ever alive.'
'I drove to that game a Mother and a Wife. And I came back as neither.'
And probably the wisest of them all from John Aldridge:
'It's just football.'
Because it is.
I couldn't let yesterday pass without some sort of comment, what with thousands of people turning out not only at Anfield, but at Hillsborough and in Nottingham, to remember the 96 who died at Hillsborough. I'm always one for an epic statement of sorts, and there's not alot that will move me to tears that has not directly affected me, but the Kop screaming choruses of 'Justice for the 96'- just as they did against Arsenal 2 years ago in the FA Cup quater final- brought up emotion I don't think I've ever really felt before. Their voices heard around Liverpool, the anger in which it was directed was mind blowing enough, but for that anger to be brought out of the horrendous and tragic events of that day shows just how much there is still to be said about Hillsborough.
Probably just some of the many quotes from last night's news coverage that should make us all take a moment.
'What gets me the most is how he has been gone for longer than he was ever alive.'
'I drove to that game a Mother and a Wife. And I came back as neither.'
And probably the wisest of them all from John Aldridge:
'It's just football.'
Because it is.
Flog - Yes, I'm a Spurs fan, but....
Hello and welcome to this edition of Flog, or as it may be called after this, ‘Tom’s mental breakdown.’
Yes, I’ve just watched Manchester United vs. Tottenham, and despite ridicule I expected us (I say us because if you don’t know, I am a suffering Spurs supporter) to get a result all week. So much so that I wasn’t surprised- I mean not even a little- that we went and scored. The second maybe came as a shocker but still, I was happy enough. Keep it tight before the break, then sit and park the bus second half.
Except United are a different sort of team. And sadly Spurs are too. But all in all, I was under the impression that Howard Webb was a different sort of referee. As in, you know, ‘quite good’. However, with United not especially playing out of their skins, and typically their fans not showing any signs of encouragement until they smashed, like, 12 goals past us, the ball was played to Michael Carrick (easily the worst player on the field today), surging into the area.
Six months ago, and onrushing Gomes would have made me wince. Not so this time, as our much improved keeper of the goal came out and though Carrick touched the ball first to try and divert it away, he failed, and Gomes touched the ball wide. Howard Webb- let it be noted is going to referee the FA Cup final- decided that playing the ball at Old Trafford is such a terrible thing to do that he awarded a penalty.
Spurs, of course, appealed (in vain) but United didn’t. Carrick fell forward, which was pretty much the only thing the man ever did that was forward when in a Spurs shirt, annoying confirming everyone player’s rise into international stardom once leaving White Hart Lane. No appeal though. Because he knew it was a fair challenge.
I’m a big, big believer in momentum in matches such as these. I’m also a big believer in the ‘sing when you’re losing’ method of support, something that escapes United fans every game they begin to lose control of. But the simple fact is this: if you give United momentum, you will never win. Ever. You Don’t get lucky against a pressurising United. You just don’t. They’re too magnificent. Which is why Spurs were 0-2 up at the break- they didn’t allow them to be.
Incidentally, I didn’t see if Ronaldo got carded for his shirt-off celebration, but I will go along with the rest of the official’s performance today and state that he didn’t, and Webb also gave him a hug and a pat on the bum and a ruffle of his hair. Ronaldo acted like a spoilt child an Disneyworld today. As it happens, Gomes looked like a sick child at Disneyworld in that hat in the 2nd half.
The most annoying thing about United, whatever anybody says, is their ‘fans.’ Gone are the days when everyone called them glory hunting Southerners, because in reality they’re all over the effing place now. When singing at Old Trafford (and therefore inevitably not losing at the precise same time) they even sing in a Manchester slur. It’s horrible. It honestly makes my hairs stand up, it’s wrong wrong wrong.
Cue endless United fans proclaiming the League is their’s and so on and so on after.
What they should be mindful of is Arsenal awaiting them midweek. They are far more advanced than Spurs, both in exposing weakness and closing games out, so if United play like they did today (and with 11 men) they will be horribly exposed for the horrible, disgusting, moaning, cheating, painfully watch able bastards they are.
Yes, I’ve just watched Manchester United vs. Tottenham, and despite ridicule I expected us (I say us because if you don’t know, I am a suffering Spurs supporter) to get a result all week. So much so that I wasn’t surprised- I mean not even a little- that we went and scored. The second maybe came as a shocker but still, I was happy enough. Keep it tight before the break, then sit and park the bus second half.
Except United are a different sort of team. And sadly Spurs are too. But all in all, I was under the impression that Howard Webb was a different sort of referee. As in, you know, ‘quite good’. However, with United not especially playing out of their skins, and typically their fans not showing any signs of encouragement until they smashed, like, 12 goals past us, the ball was played to Michael Carrick (easily the worst player on the field today), surging into the area.
Six months ago, and onrushing Gomes would have made me wince. Not so this time, as our much improved keeper of the goal came out and though Carrick touched the ball first to try and divert it away, he failed, and Gomes touched the ball wide. Howard Webb- let it be noted is going to referee the FA Cup final- decided that playing the ball at Old Trafford is such a terrible thing to do that he awarded a penalty.
Spurs, of course, appealed (in vain) but United didn’t. Carrick fell forward, which was pretty much the only thing the man ever did that was forward when in a Spurs shirt, annoying confirming everyone player’s rise into international stardom once leaving White Hart Lane. No appeal though. Because he knew it was a fair challenge.
I’m a big, big believer in momentum in matches such as these. I’m also a big believer in the ‘sing when you’re losing’ method of support, something that escapes United fans every game they begin to lose control of. But the simple fact is this: if you give United momentum, you will never win. Ever. You Don’t get lucky against a pressurising United. You just don’t. They’re too magnificent. Which is why Spurs were 0-2 up at the break- they didn’t allow them to be.
Incidentally, I didn’t see if Ronaldo got carded for his shirt-off celebration, but I will go along with the rest of the official’s performance today and state that he didn’t, and Webb also gave him a hug and a pat on the bum and a ruffle of his hair. Ronaldo acted like a spoilt child an Disneyworld today. As it happens, Gomes looked like a sick child at Disneyworld in that hat in the 2nd half.
The most annoying thing about United, whatever anybody says, is their ‘fans.’ Gone are the days when everyone called them glory hunting Southerners, because in reality they’re all over the effing place now. When singing at Old Trafford (and therefore inevitably not losing at the precise same time) they even sing in a Manchester slur. It’s horrible. It honestly makes my hairs stand up, it’s wrong wrong wrong.
Cue endless United fans proclaiming the League is their’s and so on and so on after.
What they should be mindful of is Arsenal awaiting them midweek. They are far more advanced than Spurs, both in exposing weakness and closing games out, so if United play like they did today (and with 11 men) they will be horribly exposed for the horrible, disgusting, moaning, cheating, painfully watch able bastards they are.
Flog - Newcastle? Testicles...
Horrendously, I have recently referred to the writing of these little pieces as ‘Flogging’ or ‘to Flog’. I’ve made my own, new, terrifyingly efficient verb. It cuts my sentences down by almost four words each time.
Anyway.
This week’s Flog comes courtesy of a lift. Or, if you are reading this in America- which would be incredible as Flog has not reached beyond Clapham Junction yet- an elevator. Nothing more. Nothing less. Just a lift. Or elevator.
I’m not often the sort of person who seeks or acknowledges ‘signs’ from above unless it is literally a sign, above me, telling me to do something. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t ignore huge metal frames with ‘Don’t feed the Lions’ on, for I have become quite partial to my arms. However, this ‘sign’ was too hard to ignore.
When entering the lift at work, I found myself thinking about the Premiership table and how for another season it’s sordid grip on us is slowly fading away with each extra minute on sunlight in the morning. As it does so, of course, teams start assessing their season. My thoughts turned to Newcastle.
Immediately, and I mean as soon as the word ‘Newcastle’ hit my mind’s eye, the (mildly sexy) lift voice exclaimed ‘Going down’. I was stunned. As if it couldn’t get any worse, my Toon friends, even technology designed to simply transport people up and down seems to have given up hope.
I have focussed on Newcastle before. But it’s not particularly hitting home with people I don’t think. In five games, Newcastle could be in the Championship. Newcastle! AND they have Alan Shearer! Five years ago predicting that scenario would leave you being sectioned (possibly for listening to an elevator’s relegation predictions as well).
A friend of mine the other day said he would ‘give a testicle’ for Newcastle to go down. Of course he was joking, but then, I have not heard many people outside of the Tyneside masses saying much to the contrary, even if not as self mutilating. Does everyone want them to go down? Or, more likely, is it just the joy of seeing another ‘big club’ sink into trouble? Or is it the fun you get out of seeing Mike Ashley slowly sink further and further into his own body, gradually becoming just a black and white striped blob on a plastic St. James’ Park seat, with a beer dribbling down what used to be his thighs but which are now joined to something that resembles his former left earlobe to become some super-flab monster? A mixture of the three, let’s say.
Cup weekend happened as well, although from what I’m reading in the news most of the managers involved thought it was some glorified episode of Ground Force. Notice that it was the losing managers who voiced most concern over the pitch, but in the cleverly disguised ‘we’re just saying’ kind of way that you would expect from Mr. Wenger and Mr. Ferguson. Fantastic managers they are, but what a couple of old women they can be, too. Also, what a brilliant result for football with Everton making the final for the first time since they took the trophy in 1995. Although if Cahill takes another penalty, have a spare ball ready, that thing nearly caused another rebuilding job of the North Stand of Wembley. In contrast, just hit one like you were delicately scraping dog turd off the ball like Dimitar Berbatov.
Both games I thought were too slow- whether you blame the pitch of the fact that just having Berbatov near you can make you want to take a nap- and lacked the old passion and gung-ho attitude of past semi-finals. It has been said before, but I will say it again- why on earth are they playing the penultimate round of the FA Cup at Wembley? Is it so ‘all fans get a great day out, even if they don’t make the final’ as those with the last word in Soho say? Or would it be because all fans don’t have a choice but to follow their team to the ground the FA decide to make up for massively cocking up their new stadium?
I’ve asked a lot of rhetorical questions today, haven’t I? Haven’t I?
Anyway.
This week’s Flog comes courtesy of a lift. Or, if you are reading this in America- which would be incredible as Flog has not reached beyond Clapham Junction yet- an elevator. Nothing more. Nothing less. Just a lift. Or elevator.
I’m not often the sort of person who seeks or acknowledges ‘signs’ from above unless it is literally a sign, above me, telling me to do something. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t ignore huge metal frames with ‘Don’t feed the Lions’ on, for I have become quite partial to my arms. However, this ‘sign’ was too hard to ignore.
When entering the lift at work, I found myself thinking about the Premiership table and how for another season it’s sordid grip on us is slowly fading away with each extra minute on sunlight in the morning. As it does so, of course, teams start assessing their season. My thoughts turned to Newcastle.
Immediately, and I mean as soon as the word ‘Newcastle’ hit my mind’s eye, the (mildly sexy) lift voice exclaimed ‘Going down’. I was stunned. As if it couldn’t get any worse, my Toon friends, even technology designed to simply transport people up and down seems to have given up hope.
I have focussed on Newcastle before. But it’s not particularly hitting home with people I don’t think. In five games, Newcastle could be in the Championship. Newcastle! AND they have Alan Shearer! Five years ago predicting that scenario would leave you being sectioned (possibly for listening to an elevator’s relegation predictions as well).
A friend of mine the other day said he would ‘give a testicle’ for Newcastle to go down. Of course he was joking, but then, I have not heard many people outside of the Tyneside masses saying much to the contrary, even if not as self mutilating. Does everyone want them to go down? Or, more likely, is it just the joy of seeing another ‘big club’ sink into trouble? Or is it the fun you get out of seeing Mike Ashley slowly sink further and further into his own body, gradually becoming just a black and white striped blob on a plastic St. James’ Park seat, with a beer dribbling down what used to be his thighs but which are now joined to something that resembles his former left earlobe to become some super-flab monster? A mixture of the three, let’s say.
Cup weekend happened as well, although from what I’m reading in the news most of the managers involved thought it was some glorified episode of Ground Force. Notice that it was the losing managers who voiced most concern over the pitch, but in the cleverly disguised ‘we’re just saying’ kind of way that you would expect from Mr. Wenger and Mr. Ferguson. Fantastic managers they are, but what a couple of old women they can be, too. Also, what a brilliant result for football with Everton making the final for the first time since they took the trophy in 1995. Although if Cahill takes another penalty, have a spare ball ready, that thing nearly caused another rebuilding job of the North Stand of Wembley. In contrast, just hit one like you were delicately scraping dog turd off the ball like Dimitar Berbatov.
Both games I thought were too slow- whether you blame the pitch of the fact that just having Berbatov near you can make you want to take a nap- and lacked the old passion and gung-ho attitude of past semi-finals. It has been said before, but I will say it again- why on earth are they playing the penultimate round of the FA Cup at Wembley? Is it so ‘all fans get a great day out, even if they don’t make the final’ as those with the last word in Soho say? Or would it be because all fans don’t have a choice but to follow their team to the ground the FA decide to make up for massively cocking up their new stadium?
I’ve asked a lot of rhetorical questions today, haven’t I? Haven’t I?
Flog - Chelsea vs Liverpool, Champs League 2nd Leg, Live Text.
Chelsea vs. Liverpool (Champions League, Quarter Final, 2nd leg)
So. A night that will probably feel as long as the time it took to write that heading. I prefer the London Lite’s version (CL QF 2L), even if it does look like a flight number at an airport. That aside, this will be my as-I-see-it review of the game, event by event, until we find out who will go through to the CL SF L1+2. I promise you I’m writing this as it happens, so I’m going to predict my score - 2-1 Liverpool. Always a safe bet that, 2-1. Don’t rule out the other team, but still go with gut instinct. Easy.
19:30 - Just found out that Gerrard is not fit to play. What a huge blow. Just his name on the team sheet inspires Liverpool, and he’s not even on the bench.
19:40 - Why is Joe Cole a pundit on the game? Surely you should be able to speak without people laughing at your voice before you are allowed on screen. Andy Townsend, a bookend of ITV’s sporting coverage, also lines up. As it goes, he went to my Secondary School (and still holds the long jump record. True story.)
19:41 - We have hit ITV’s 112th ad break (only 2 more to go) before the game starts. An annoying phone advert is on. Just to add to my last posty thing- Delia Smith also went to my school. That’s right. That drunk bint who owns Norwich.
19:43: This is a bit like that BBC Live Text thing, except without obnoxious morons bleating on to Caroline ‘Cheesey’ Cheese, thinking their opinion matters. Leave that to me, you bastards.
19:45 - Anyone else join in when that UEFA Champions League music plays? ‘Chaaaampioooons…do do do do do dooo.’
1946 - They’re a minute late kicking off. Disgusting. That or my clock is fast. The pitch, by the way, looks immaculate. Clive Tyldsley is grating already. We’ve kicked off mid sentence.
19:46 - Alex, the Chelsea centre back, looks like an ice cream man.
19:47 - Both captains out of this one. Just occurred to me. Looking like a brilliant blog this one…
19:48 - Reina collects a Kalou cross. Might be a common theme, that. Clive is reeling off his typical badgerings, the ever reliable ‘if Chelsea score, Liverpool’s task doesn’t REALLY change…’ Thank you Clive. Insightful.
19:49 - Holy choc muffins, I can see why the BBC Live Text is so behind sometimes. I’m only on one game and it’s nearly killing me.
19:49 - Xabi Alonso, the sexiest player in history in every way, puts it out for a throw. Chelsea will be happy with this low tempo start.
19:50 - Ivanovic is very ugly, isn’t he? He is a very Football Manager type signing. Scout Eastern Europe!
19:51 - Drogba is holding his balls unceremoniously. Oh, apparently it’s his calf. Although, he was off the pitch, until he rolled back on- accidentally of course- and play stops. Frustrating for Liverpool who appeal. Ridiculous scenario, but it worked.
19:53 - Torres looks a little lonely without Stevie. They would be some gorgeous offspring.
19:55 - Reina comes about 180 yards off his line, 4 yards short of his personal best, to clear away from the onrushing Drogba, who seems to have recovered from his nad/calf injury.
19:56 - Martin Skrtel could easily punch an elephant into a coma. What the hell do they feed them in Slovakia?
19:57 - No breakthroughs as of yet. Chelsea wont mind, though. Arbeloa is fouled by Malouda, who has styled his hair tonight on Petr Cech’s goalie hat. Surely he doesn’t need that anymore. As I write this ridiculous rant, Cech punches nervously. Clive has just mistaken Bolton (who Chelsea played at the weekend) for Blackburn. Call a spade a spade, I suppose.
19:58 - Benayoun looks like a vampire in a children’s cartoon. Christ, why am I commenting on how everyone looks tonight? Oh, that’s right. Because nothing is happening.
19:59 - Oh me. Oh my. Torres, any other day of the week, would have scored that. Benayoun, the vampire, flicks it to Torres who misses from about 15 yards. A chance to set some nerves off.
20:00 - Stuff be happening!! Lampard races up the other end to take a rather central (if long distance) free kick just wide. Reina was struggling.
20:01 - Ashley Cole puts the worst cross in ever. Perhaps harsh, but someone who earns £80k a week and claims to be ‘tired’ in April can piss right off in my book.
20:02 - Tackles flying now (hooray). Aurellio is fouled by Kalou, apparently. Dangerous free kick, well it would have been, had he not flighted it over everyone. Foul, this time by Mascherano.
20:03 - GOAL: Chelsea 0 Liverpool 1. What a goal. What. A. Goal. I don’t care what anyone says. Aurellio makes a much better free kick out of it this time, looking like he will float it in only to power it at the near post from 30 yards. What a goal. Game on? Not yet…
20:04 - I only went downstairs for some dinner. I come back and Liverpool have a free kick and score. I wonder what happens when I get my dessert.
20:05 - Ballack is nearly killed by two Liverpool players. Sandwiched, nothing more. Chelsea look flat.
20:06 - Lucas looks up for it. If anyone needs a good game- it’s him. This game has sparked into life so much that I’ve hardly heard Clive’s witterings.
20:06 - I wonder what is going through Joe Cole’s head right now? You know, apart from pretty colours and shiny things.
20:08 - Chelsea are playing crap, but they are still a good side, let nobody ignore that. Liverpool went 1-0 up last week, remember?
20:09 - Essien vs. Mascherano. Ridiculous battle. Chelsea free kick…
20:10 - Already, Chelsea arent committing to free kicks. If I was Guus, which I hope one day I will be, I would be annoyed.
20:11 - All Liverpool. Benayoun nearly gets in but Ivanovic tracks back. So close, sort of. Aurellio, another free kick…oh wow. Flag up. PENALTY. My God. Was about to say Chelsea survive, Skrtel fires over from a yard, but Ivanovic, man of the moment, holds Xabi Alonso while he ran in. I know he’s hard to resist, but…
20:12 - GOAL: Chelsea 0 Liverpool 2. THIS IS RIDICULOUS. Xabi, the man who was fouled, puts away the penalty, sending Cech the wrong way. I literally cannot wait for the next hour of football. Luckily, I don’t have to. Ridiculous. Never write them off.
20:14 - My dinner is nearly cold in front of me. So much to type. Imagine what could they do with Gerrard??
20:15 - This is getting massively tense. Chelsea are trying to just muscle through, and earn a free kick. Tense, nervy, almost painfully brilliant. Lampard hits the wall, a corner comes out of it.
20:17 - Alonso plays the most sublime ball for Aurello and he muscles in for a corner. Comes to nothing.
20:19 - Anelka is being readied. What a massive switch this could be, depending on who Guus takes off.
20:20 - Kalou comes off. No the worst thing in the world. Expect Drogba to hold the ball up a lot more. Immediately, Lampard fires a header into a Liverpool defender. don’t know which one, don’t care. Reina punches the corner. If Liverpool get to half time on this, they will be elated.
20:21 - A lot of free kicks for Chelsea here at the moment. They need to make one pay, what with their aerial threat. God, I was trying to make this funny, but I’m too tense. Reina makes the save after a brilliant ball in.
20:22 - Torres is given a lot of room but misplaces his pass, which is duly replicated by Alex, the ice cream man. Clive just said ‘Wishe Wordsh’ in honour of Guus. Cretin.
20:23 - Sammy Lee is told to get back to his cage by the referee. So many free kicks, Reina is doing well enough though.
20: 25 - Essien misplaces a pass. This is not the Chelsea of last week. Indeed, this is not the Liverpool of last week.
20:25 - You have no idea how many times I have misspelled ‘kicks’ tonight.
20:26 - Benayoun is booked for another foul. He KICKED Drogba and Malouda takes the free KICK. Ivanovic gets the header but sends it wide. Liverpool will want a shut out before half time.
20:27 - My dessert is a yoghurt, everyone. It wont be opened until half time though.
20:27 - Clive is trying to talk about fouling in the box. Just shut up, Clive, and talk about the pretty pictures on your magic box. Free kick to Liverpool. Dangerous but straight to Cech.
20:28 - Lampard has been quiet tonight, which is worrying for Liverpool, because he has every right to smash in a deflected goal before this night’s out.
20:29 - Great cross from Mascherano, the little ferret drifting out wide. He has ability more than his unglamorous position suggests. Clive just said Chelsea are ‘hanging on by half a goal’. What does that mean? Really? Drogba gives away another corner. Another word I seem to be struggling to spell.
20:30 - Let me have my yoghurt!!
20:30 - WHAT A SAVE. Clive, of course, doesn’t give it enough credit. Kuyt floats a header towards the far post and Cech claws it away. Straight after, a scramble in the box leads to a Chelsea free kick for absolutely nothing. They have really taken it to them, and are unlucky not to be winning this tie at half time after that. My yoghurt nearly went everywhere.
20:31 - HALF TIME. THANK THE GOOD LORD. My hands cant take it. See you for the second half, I may take a nap.
20:35 - JOE COLE: ‘the pressure was on Liverpool, I know that might sound strange. They’re honest boys, they want to work for the team. Now we’ve got to go and score a goal. Half time happened at the right time for us. We’re going to calm down now, go out there, and try and score a goal.’ Incisive. After 2 words, John Toshak has beaten Cole’s vocabulary. Twice. Back to your colours, Joe.
20:37 - Andy Townsend (long jump extraordinaire) gets his little video gismo out and guides us through the first goal. How much can you guide us through it? ‘He shot, everyone thought he would cross. He didn’t. He scored.’ Christ. Joe Cole looks like Oliver Twist. To be fair, I bet if he was on the pitch he would change this game. Great player, just a dunce.
20:45 - Joe Cole is ‘confident’. He is also ‘dippy’. Kick off. Yoghurt was lovely, by the way.
20:46 - Clive is telling us all the essential facts about things that happened in the past. The way ITV play up their coverage, you’d think they produce history out of their arses, so I don’t know why they bother.
20:46 - By the way, Jim Beglin is tonight’s co commentator. And WOAH. Cech comes racing off his line (a ‘Reina’) but Lucas races away. Aurello eventually puts in a poor cross, but it’s a high paced start. Alex Zooms (ha??) along the touchline, racing about 99 (ha?!?) yards, and puts it out for a throw. Liverpool on top.
20:47 - Liverpool fans are louder, a lot louder. In fact when the referee gives a free kick to Chelsea, they groan the loudest. (not that Chelsea would groan….I know what I MEANT, SO SHUT UP)
20:48 - Mistakes for Chelsea but they have more possession now. They need a goal, they cant sit on this for 45 minutes. Ashley Cole puts in the 2nd worst cross of the game, nearly beating his own record. Liverpool in possession again.
20:49 - No pressure from Chelsea what so ever. Torres might fancy a little bite at this soon enough, he has been quiet apart from his chance. Which right now might have been putting Liverpool through.
20:50 - GOAL: Chelsea 1 Liverpool 2. Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear. Reina, you weak link. What a terrible keeper on his off days. Cross comes in from Anelka, the tiniest flick from Drogba (who celebrates like he’s scored from 40 yards) takes it…actually…nowhere away from Reina. He fumbles it in. Cue Clive’s ‘nothing has changed for Liverpool’ talk. Massive goal though. Much undeserved as well.
20:51 - Chelsea fans, inevitably, start responding to the team’s efforts, if you can call it that. Liverpool look drained again. But anything might happen.
20:53 - Abramovic is shown in the stands, as usual not looking fully interested and thoroughly confused by someone explaining the away goals rule. Babel, who scored a belter in this fixture last year, is warming up.
20:55 - Liverpool need to step it up. Meanwhile, my yoghurt is churning in my stomach. Updates later. Lampard stands over another free kick. As does Drogba. Another goal here and it should be over.
20:56 - Hahaha. No doubt, that is one of the funniest sounds ever. Drogba’s excellent free kick hits- and nestles- in the side netting as fans everywhere celebrate only to realise they were very wrong. I’m getting very tired here, though. I need an assistant.
20:57 - ANOTHER free kick. Central again. So many candidates. They will hope it goes the right side this time.
20:58 - GOAL: Chelsea 2 Liverpool 2. And it does. Heartbreak for Liverpool, who have been terrible in the opening exchanges. With the calibre of free kick takers, you would thik they would ease up on the challenges, but Alex, the ice cream man, thunders it into the roof of the net. It swerved, but yet again Reina is a little culpable. What a game.
20:59 - Chelsea’s moronic fans start singing at Liverpool’s. ‘Sing when you’re winning’ springs to mind. It’s Europe, ladies and gentlemen. You wouldn’t get that at Anfield.
21:00 - Half an hour to go, Liverpool need that first half to happen again. It can, believe me. Chelsea crack out ‘you’re not singing any more’. Ironic.
21:00 - There wont be extra time, 'thank God', I have to say, on behalf of my fingers.
21:01: Alex has another chance. Honestly, what are Liverpool playing at with these tackles? Nobody has been substituted yet, so you will have to wait for my next installment of ‘Players who look like things’.
21:02 -I am dying, honestly, I am dying. What a game though. Lucas is playing very far forward. Chance for Liverpool, Cech saves from Mascherano. If that had gone in, I may have given up.
21:04 - Ashley Cole misses the CL SF L1 (oh yes, that’s the lingo for you) after picking up a booking. He typically protests. Cech comes for the punch and gets it, but should have perhaps caught it.
21:06 - Ballack should have scored. Drogba races away and centres it for the big German and he hits it tamely at Reina. That’s the concern as Liverpool pour forward.
21:07 - Can somebody please get injured for a couple of minutes? Ah. Malouda, thanks.
21:08 - Play restarts. Calm down you little televised bastards.
21:09 - Albert Riera comes on for Mascherano, which seems crazy, as Lucas has struggled a bit more since the Chelsea goals and the Argentine could have been kept on for his energy. It’s make or break, Rafa. Think about it.
21:10 -Corner to Chelsea. Liverpool break. Riera continues from his display against Blackburn by putting in a terrible cross. I do not rate him. Do not rate him at all. And he has a shit little beard.
21:12 - Ashley Cole tries to join the big boys up front. It’s hard not to think that Gerrard would have made a massive difference in this half, which has gone horribly against Liverpool. Arbeloa is booked.
21:13 - If Liverpool get anything in the next 10 minutes, it will get interesting. If not, this game might just fizzle out. Sad but true. By the way, Joe Cole is probably smiling at the moment, maybe because of the score, but more than likely because he just broke wind or something.
21:15 - GOAL: Chelsea 3 Liverpool 2. Liverpool sloppy, Chelsea take advantage, and what did I say? Lampard to score a deflected goal. To be fair, it came off Reina, who has been horribly exposed in this half. Drogba squares and Lampard squeezes it in. Game over. Massively deserved considering Liverpool’s terrible second half showing. What a game.
21:17 - Other teams will expose Chelsea a lot more than this, but who better to test yourself against than Barcelona? Liverpool need 3 goals again. It wont happen. Will it?
21:18 - No.
21:19 - This was always tactics vs passion, in both legs of this tie, and tactics has won through twice it seems. Just over 10 minutes left. Expect this game to be closed out. Please. My yoghurt cant settle. (told you I would update you).
21:20 - ANOTHER FREE KICK. Ballack this time, but he floats wide. They’re queuing up for these now, and they’ll all get a turn if Liverpool keep tackling like this. Are they testing Reina, or something?
21:21 - GOAL: Chelsea 3 Liverpool 3. Oh. You are kidding. Lucas has scored, and nobody seems to really care that the scoreline is 3-3. I am not saying anything. I cannot believe this. Deflected past Cech, it might galvanise Liverpool a bit, but they only have 10 minutes. My fingers are bloody. My yoghurt is not being digested well.
21:23 - GOAL: Chelsea 3 Liverpool 4. PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE. WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON?? Liverpool score, and would you believe it, Riera puts in the ball and Kuyt scores. But they’ve taken off Torres- what a decision that is now. 10 minutes to go. Still.
21:24 - Drogba goes close. Again. I’m dying here, honestly. And this is what I want to do for a living. What a game I chose to report on. Alonso just head butted Skrtel, accidentally, and is probably seeing stars. For the next 11 years.
21:25 - If Liverpool had put this effort into the first half of the second half (with me?) they would be flying away with this. I am stunned, honestly I am. ‘5 minute football match’, Clive just stated. He is starting to ring true. THAT’S how mad this game is. Joe Cole is probably dead.
21:26 - Corner to Chelsea, taken short. Liverpool now breaking though, Babel is coming away. There are no words for this game, truly. This will go down in history, as ITV will remind us of for the rest of time.
21:27 - How Gerrard would love to be on that pitch right now. It’s a game made for him, simply made for him.
21:28 - GOAL: Chelsea 4 Liverpool 4. GAME OVER. SURELY. SURELY. SURELY. SURELY. Lampard curls in a wonderful finish from just inside the box which hits both posts and books their place. No doubt. This game should come with a health warning. I really hope the fans don’t give each other too much stick, what with what this week represents, especially on Merseyside, because this has been one of the greatest European nights ever.
21:29 - Liverpool fans sing You’ll Never Walk Alone immediately after Benayoun has a shot cleared off the line. Yes, that would have been 5-4 to Liverpool. Shame, this game needed goals... 3 extra minutes. If Liverpool do it, I will eat my left arm. Which would unsettle the yoghurt, to say the least.
21:30 - These players should be embracing each other. It’s surely over, let it go referee. Drogba gets cramp in his calf, not his nads. Abramovic is shown again. He must be pleased- 4 home runs!
21:32 - Remember Aurello’s goal? I don’t.
21:33 - Liverpool still attack. I suppose if you have Alonso in your ranks, you can score from anywhere. Nearly over. Jim Beglin tries to talk about Hillsborough, Clive talks about how Moscow ‘hurt’ Chelsea. He’s back in business as the most idiotic commentator ever.
21:34 - Full time: Chelsea 4 Liverpool 4 (7-5 on aggregate). Thank the lord. If I thought the first half was good, the second was unstoppably brilliant. Well done both teams, but I am actually going to bed now and sleeping for 3 years. What a game. And if you’ve made it this far, well done. Because I nearly didn’t.
So. A night that will probably feel as long as the time it took to write that heading. I prefer the London Lite’s version (CL QF 2L), even if it does look like a flight number at an airport. That aside, this will be my as-I-see-it review of the game, event by event, until we find out who will go through to the CL SF L1+2. I promise you I’m writing this as it happens, so I’m going to predict my score - 2-1 Liverpool. Always a safe bet that, 2-1. Don’t rule out the other team, but still go with gut instinct. Easy.
19:30 - Just found out that Gerrard is not fit to play. What a huge blow. Just his name on the team sheet inspires Liverpool, and he’s not even on the bench.
19:40 - Why is Joe Cole a pundit on the game? Surely you should be able to speak without people laughing at your voice before you are allowed on screen. Andy Townsend, a bookend of ITV’s sporting coverage, also lines up. As it goes, he went to my Secondary School (and still holds the long jump record. True story.)
19:41 - We have hit ITV’s 112th ad break (only 2 more to go) before the game starts. An annoying phone advert is on. Just to add to my last posty thing- Delia Smith also went to my school. That’s right. That drunk bint who owns Norwich.
19:43: This is a bit like that BBC Live Text thing, except without obnoxious morons bleating on to Caroline ‘Cheesey’ Cheese, thinking their opinion matters. Leave that to me, you bastards.
19:45 - Anyone else join in when that UEFA Champions League music plays? ‘Chaaaampioooons…do do do do do dooo.’
1946 - They’re a minute late kicking off. Disgusting. That or my clock is fast. The pitch, by the way, looks immaculate. Clive Tyldsley is grating already. We’ve kicked off mid sentence.
19:46 - Alex, the Chelsea centre back, looks like an ice cream man.
19:47 - Both captains out of this one. Just occurred to me. Looking like a brilliant blog this one…
19:48 - Reina collects a Kalou cross. Might be a common theme, that. Clive is reeling off his typical badgerings, the ever reliable ‘if Chelsea score, Liverpool’s task doesn’t REALLY change…’ Thank you Clive. Insightful.
19:49 - Holy choc muffins, I can see why the BBC Live Text is so behind sometimes. I’m only on one game and it’s nearly killing me.
19:49 - Xabi Alonso, the sexiest player in history in every way, puts it out for a throw. Chelsea will be happy with this low tempo start.
19:50 - Ivanovic is very ugly, isn’t he? He is a very Football Manager type signing. Scout Eastern Europe!
19:51 - Drogba is holding his balls unceremoniously. Oh, apparently it’s his calf. Although, he was off the pitch, until he rolled back on- accidentally of course- and play stops. Frustrating for Liverpool who appeal. Ridiculous scenario, but it worked.
19:53 - Torres looks a little lonely without Stevie. They would be some gorgeous offspring.
19:55 - Reina comes about 180 yards off his line, 4 yards short of his personal best, to clear away from the onrushing Drogba, who seems to have recovered from his nad/calf injury.
19:56 - Martin Skrtel could easily punch an elephant into a coma. What the hell do they feed them in Slovakia?
19:57 - No breakthroughs as of yet. Chelsea wont mind, though. Arbeloa is fouled by Malouda, who has styled his hair tonight on Petr Cech’s goalie hat. Surely he doesn’t need that anymore. As I write this ridiculous rant, Cech punches nervously. Clive has just mistaken Bolton (who Chelsea played at the weekend) for Blackburn. Call a spade a spade, I suppose.
19:58 - Benayoun looks like a vampire in a children’s cartoon. Christ, why am I commenting on how everyone looks tonight? Oh, that’s right. Because nothing is happening.
19:59 - Oh me. Oh my. Torres, any other day of the week, would have scored that. Benayoun, the vampire, flicks it to Torres who misses from about 15 yards. A chance to set some nerves off.
20:00 - Stuff be happening!! Lampard races up the other end to take a rather central (if long distance) free kick just wide. Reina was struggling.
20:01 - Ashley Cole puts the worst cross in ever. Perhaps harsh, but someone who earns £80k a week and claims to be ‘tired’ in April can piss right off in my book.
20:02 - Tackles flying now (hooray). Aurellio is fouled by Kalou, apparently. Dangerous free kick, well it would have been, had he not flighted it over everyone. Foul, this time by Mascherano.
20:03 - GOAL: Chelsea 0 Liverpool 1. What a goal. What. A. Goal. I don’t care what anyone says. Aurellio makes a much better free kick out of it this time, looking like he will float it in only to power it at the near post from 30 yards. What a goal. Game on? Not yet…
20:04 - I only went downstairs for some dinner. I come back and Liverpool have a free kick and score. I wonder what happens when I get my dessert.
20:05 - Ballack is nearly killed by two Liverpool players. Sandwiched, nothing more. Chelsea look flat.
20:06 - Lucas looks up for it. If anyone needs a good game- it’s him. This game has sparked into life so much that I’ve hardly heard Clive’s witterings.
20:06 - I wonder what is going through Joe Cole’s head right now? You know, apart from pretty colours and shiny things.
20:08 - Chelsea are playing crap, but they are still a good side, let nobody ignore that. Liverpool went 1-0 up last week, remember?
20:09 - Essien vs. Mascherano. Ridiculous battle. Chelsea free kick…
20:10 - Already, Chelsea arent committing to free kicks. If I was Guus, which I hope one day I will be, I would be annoyed.
20:11 - All Liverpool. Benayoun nearly gets in but Ivanovic tracks back. So close, sort of. Aurellio, another free kick…oh wow. Flag up. PENALTY. My God. Was about to say Chelsea survive, Skrtel fires over from a yard, but Ivanovic, man of the moment, holds Xabi Alonso while he ran in. I know he’s hard to resist, but…
20:12 - GOAL: Chelsea 0 Liverpool 2. THIS IS RIDICULOUS. Xabi, the man who was fouled, puts away the penalty, sending Cech the wrong way. I literally cannot wait for the next hour of football. Luckily, I don’t have to. Ridiculous. Never write them off.
20:14 - My dinner is nearly cold in front of me. So much to type. Imagine what could they do with Gerrard??
20:15 - This is getting massively tense. Chelsea are trying to just muscle through, and earn a free kick. Tense, nervy, almost painfully brilliant. Lampard hits the wall, a corner comes out of it.
20:17 - Alonso plays the most sublime ball for Aurello and he muscles in for a corner. Comes to nothing.
20:19 - Anelka is being readied. What a massive switch this could be, depending on who Guus takes off.
20:20 - Kalou comes off. No the worst thing in the world. Expect Drogba to hold the ball up a lot more. Immediately, Lampard fires a header into a Liverpool defender. don’t know which one, don’t care. Reina punches the corner. If Liverpool get to half time on this, they will be elated.
20:21 - A lot of free kicks for Chelsea here at the moment. They need to make one pay, what with their aerial threat. God, I was trying to make this funny, but I’m too tense. Reina makes the save after a brilliant ball in.
20:22 - Torres is given a lot of room but misplaces his pass, which is duly replicated by Alex, the ice cream man. Clive just said ‘Wishe Wordsh’ in honour of Guus. Cretin.
20:23 - Sammy Lee is told to get back to his cage by the referee. So many free kicks, Reina is doing well enough though.
20: 25 - Essien misplaces a pass. This is not the Chelsea of last week. Indeed, this is not the Liverpool of last week.
20:25 - You have no idea how many times I have misspelled ‘kicks’ tonight.
20:26 - Benayoun is booked for another foul. He KICKED Drogba and Malouda takes the free KICK. Ivanovic gets the header but sends it wide. Liverpool will want a shut out before half time.
20:27 - My dessert is a yoghurt, everyone. It wont be opened until half time though.
20:27 - Clive is trying to talk about fouling in the box. Just shut up, Clive, and talk about the pretty pictures on your magic box. Free kick to Liverpool. Dangerous but straight to Cech.
20:28 - Lampard has been quiet tonight, which is worrying for Liverpool, because he has every right to smash in a deflected goal before this night’s out.
20:29 - Great cross from Mascherano, the little ferret drifting out wide. He has ability more than his unglamorous position suggests. Clive just said Chelsea are ‘hanging on by half a goal’. What does that mean? Really? Drogba gives away another corner. Another word I seem to be struggling to spell.
20:30 - Let me have my yoghurt!!
20:30 - WHAT A SAVE. Clive, of course, doesn’t give it enough credit. Kuyt floats a header towards the far post and Cech claws it away. Straight after, a scramble in the box leads to a Chelsea free kick for absolutely nothing. They have really taken it to them, and are unlucky not to be winning this tie at half time after that. My yoghurt nearly went everywhere.
20:31 - HALF TIME. THANK THE GOOD LORD. My hands cant take it. See you for the second half, I may take a nap.
20:35 - JOE COLE: ‘the pressure was on Liverpool, I know that might sound strange. They’re honest boys, they want to work for the team. Now we’ve got to go and score a goal. Half time happened at the right time for us. We’re going to calm down now, go out there, and try and score a goal.’ Incisive. After 2 words, John Toshak has beaten Cole’s vocabulary. Twice. Back to your colours, Joe.
20:37 - Andy Townsend (long jump extraordinaire) gets his little video gismo out and guides us through the first goal. How much can you guide us through it? ‘He shot, everyone thought he would cross. He didn’t. He scored.’ Christ. Joe Cole looks like Oliver Twist. To be fair, I bet if he was on the pitch he would change this game. Great player, just a dunce.
20:45 - Joe Cole is ‘confident’. He is also ‘dippy’. Kick off. Yoghurt was lovely, by the way.
20:46 - Clive is telling us all the essential facts about things that happened in the past. The way ITV play up their coverage, you’d think they produce history out of their arses, so I don’t know why they bother.
20:46 - By the way, Jim Beglin is tonight’s co commentator. And WOAH. Cech comes racing off his line (a ‘Reina’) but Lucas races away. Aurello eventually puts in a poor cross, but it’s a high paced start. Alex Zooms (ha??) along the touchline, racing about 99 (ha?!?) yards, and puts it out for a throw. Liverpool on top.
20:47 - Liverpool fans are louder, a lot louder. In fact when the referee gives a free kick to Chelsea, they groan the loudest. (not that Chelsea would groan….I know what I MEANT, SO SHUT UP)
20:48 - Mistakes for Chelsea but they have more possession now. They need a goal, they cant sit on this for 45 minutes. Ashley Cole puts in the 2nd worst cross of the game, nearly beating his own record. Liverpool in possession again.
20:49 - No pressure from Chelsea what so ever. Torres might fancy a little bite at this soon enough, he has been quiet apart from his chance. Which right now might have been putting Liverpool through.
20:50 - GOAL: Chelsea 1 Liverpool 2. Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear. Reina, you weak link. What a terrible keeper on his off days. Cross comes in from Anelka, the tiniest flick from Drogba (who celebrates like he’s scored from 40 yards) takes it…actually…nowhere away from Reina. He fumbles it in. Cue Clive’s ‘nothing has changed for Liverpool’ talk. Massive goal though. Much undeserved as well.
20:51 - Chelsea fans, inevitably, start responding to the team’s efforts, if you can call it that. Liverpool look drained again. But anything might happen.
20:53 - Abramovic is shown in the stands, as usual not looking fully interested and thoroughly confused by someone explaining the away goals rule. Babel, who scored a belter in this fixture last year, is warming up.
20:55 - Liverpool need to step it up. Meanwhile, my yoghurt is churning in my stomach. Updates later. Lampard stands over another free kick. As does Drogba. Another goal here and it should be over.
20:56 - Hahaha. No doubt, that is one of the funniest sounds ever. Drogba’s excellent free kick hits- and nestles- in the side netting as fans everywhere celebrate only to realise they were very wrong. I’m getting very tired here, though. I need an assistant.
20:57 - ANOTHER free kick. Central again. So many candidates. They will hope it goes the right side this time.
20:58 - GOAL: Chelsea 2 Liverpool 2. And it does. Heartbreak for Liverpool, who have been terrible in the opening exchanges. With the calibre of free kick takers, you would thik they would ease up on the challenges, but Alex, the ice cream man, thunders it into the roof of the net. It swerved, but yet again Reina is a little culpable. What a game.
20:59 - Chelsea’s moronic fans start singing at Liverpool’s. ‘Sing when you’re winning’ springs to mind. It’s Europe, ladies and gentlemen. You wouldn’t get that at Anfield.
21:00 - Half an hour to go, Liverpool need that first half to happen again. It can, believe me. Chelsea crack out ‘you’re not singing any more’. Ironic.
21:00 - There wont be extra time, 'thank God', I have to say, on behalf of my fingers.
21:01: Alex has another chance. Honestly, what are Liverpool playing at with these tackles? Nobody has been substituted yet, so you will have to wait for my next installment of ‘Players who look like things’.
21:02 -I am dying, honestly, I am dying. What a game though. Lucas is playing very far forward. Chance for Liverpool, Cech saves from Mascherano. If that had gone in, I may have given up.
21:04 - Ashley Cole misses the CL SF L1 (oh yes, that’s the lingo for you) after picking up a booking. He typically protests. Cech comes for the punch and gets it, but should have perhaps caught it.
21:06 - Ballack should have scored. Drogba races away and centres it for the big German and he hits it tamely at Reina. That’s the concern as Liverpool pour forward.
21:07 - Can somebody please get injured for a couple of minutes? Ah. Malouda, thanks.
21:08 - Play restarts. Calm down you little televised bastards.
21:09 - Albert Riera comes on for Mascherano, which seems crazy, as Lucas has struggled a bit more since the Chelsea goals and the Argentine could have been kept on for his energy. It’s make or break, Rafa. Think about it.
21:10 -Corner to Chelsea. Liverpool break. Riera continues from his display against Blackburn by putting in a terrible cross. I do not rate him. Do not rate him at all. And he has a shit little beard.
21:12 - Ashley Cole tries to join the big boys up front. It’s hard not to think that Gerrard would have made a massive difference in this half, which has gone horribly against Liverpool. Arbeloa is booked.
21:13 - If Liverpool get anything in the next 10 minutes, it will get interesting. If not, this game might just fizzle out. Sad but true. By the way, Joe Cole is probably smiling at the moment, maybe because of the score, but more than likely because he just broke wind or something.
21:15 - GOAL: Chelsea 3 Liverpool 2. Liverpool sloppy, Chelsea take advantage, and what did I say? Lampard to score a deflected goal. To be fair, it came off Reina, who has been horribly exposed in this half. Drogba squares and Lampard squeezes it in. Game over. Massively deserved considering Liverpool’s terrible second half showing. What a game.
21:17 - Other teams will expose Chelsea a lot more than this, but who better to test yourself against than Barcelona? Liverpool need 3 goals again. It wont happen. Will it?
21:18 - No.
21:19 - This was always tactics vs passion, in both legs of this tie, and tactics has won through twice it seems. Just over 10 minutes left. Expect this game to be closed out. Please. My yoghurt cant settle. (told you I would update you).
21:20 - ANOTHER FREE KICK. Ballack this time, but he floats wide. They’re queuing up for these now, and they’ll all get a turn if Liverpool keep tackling like this. Are they testing Reina, or something?
21:21 - GOAL: Chelsea 3 Liverpool 3. Oh. You are kidding. Lucas has scored, and nobody seems to really care that the scoreline is 3-3. I am not saying anything. I cannot believe this. Deflected past Cech, it might galvanise Liverpool a bit, but they only have 10 minutes. My fingers are bloody. My yoghurt is not being digested well.
21:23 - GOAL: Chelsea 3 Liverpool 4. PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE. WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON?? Liverpool score, and would you believe it, Riera puts in the ball and Kuyt scores. But they’ve taken off Torres- what a decision that is now. 10 minutes to go. Still.
21:24 - Drogba goes close. Again. I’m dying here, honestly. And this is what I want to do for a living. What a game I chose to report on. Alonso just head butted Skrtel, accidentally, and is probably seeing stars. For the next 11 years.
21:25 - If Liverpool had put this effort into the first half of the second half (with me?) they would be flying away with this. I am stunned, honestly I am. ‘5 minute football match’, Clive just stated. He is starting to ring true. THAT’S how mad this game is. Joe Cole is probably dead.
21:26 - Corner to Chelsea, taken short. Liverpool now breaking though, Babel is coming away. There are no words for this game, truly. This will go down in history, as ITV will remind us of for the rest of time.
21:27 - How Gerrard would love to be on that pitch right now. It’s a game made for him, simply made for him.
21:28 - GOAL: Chelsea 4 Liverpool 4. GAME OVER. SURELY. SURELY. SURELY. SURELY. Lampard curls in a wonderful finish from just inside the box which hits both posts and books their place. No doubt. This game should come with a health warning. I really hope the fans don’t give each other too much stick, what with what this week represents, especially on Merseyside, because this has been one of the greatest European nights ever.
21:29 - Liverpool fans sing You’ll Never Walk Alone immediately after Benayoun has a shot cleared off the line. Yes, that would have been 5-4 to Liverpool. Shame, this game needed goals... 3 extra minutes. If Liverpool do it, I will eat my left arm. Which would unsettle the yoghurt, to say the least.
21:30 - These players should be embracing each other. It’s surely over, let it go referee. Drogba gets cramp in his calf, not his nads. Abramovic is shown again. He must be pleased- 4 home runs!
21:32 - Remember Aurello’s goal? I don’t.
21:33 - Liverpool still attack. I suppose if you have Alonso in your ranks, you can score from anywhere. Nearly over. Jim Beglin tries to talk about Hillsborough, Clive talks about how Moscow ‘hurt’ Chelsea. He’s back in business as the most idiotic commentator ever.
21:34 - Full time: Chelsea 4 Liverpool 4 (7-5 on aggregate). Thank the lord. If I thought the first half was good, the second was unstoppably brilliant. Well done both teams, but I am actually going to bed now and sleeping for 3 years. What a game. And if you’ve made it this far, well done. Because I nearly didn’t.
Flog - Match of the Day (quicker, QUICKER!)
Yeah. So. Possibly one of the most interesting weekends of football. What with the moving tributes to those who lost their lives at Hillsborough 20 years ago this week, plus the relative irrelevance of football matches coinciding, you would expect coverage to be at a maximum.
The day started with Football Focus, (which every single day should by law) with what looked like the BBC’s work experience kid outside Anfield, talking to the increasingly balloon-like Mark Lawrenson. Tributes, archive footage and summations of that day flooded our screens. To take absolutely nothing away from the anniversary, it was best to get these out of the way. For one, Anfield awaited Blackburn’s visit with emotional anticipation.
As it was, the football did most of the talking this weekend. In fact, I don’t think I have ever been so enthralled by games I was not even watching. Bolton’s fight back against Chelsea was brilliant stuff, especially after everybody mocked Paul Merson for claiming ‘they’re back in it Jeff!’ of Bolton when they scored their first of three. Merson is a dunce but he does add drama well.
Le Tissier got Wigan vs. Arsenal, and added his usual quota (i.e. nothing) to the game’s analysis. No matter what the score is in the game he is assigned, you know he has the Southampton game on instead and is reading the BBC Live Text page to report back to Jeff. As it went, Wigan were harshly done by in the way Arsenal weren’t, with Kieran Gibbs practically showered and dressed before realising the referee only gave him a yellow. Steve Bruce was furious. He looked like an angry grandma.
Manchester United won (again) with a late goal (again) from a substitute (again) called ‘Kiko’ Marcheda (aaaaagain). How much he knew about it, nobody really knows or cares, but he still celebrated like a dick. United still have that same edge over anyone else in the league- the fact that they can dig a result out of nothing. They’re still rocking though.
Portsmouth vs. West Brom would be, so I thought, about as interesting as the first three words of this sentence suggests. But it turned into a great game between two scrappy sides (sorry Baggies, but no matter what you think, you don’t play ‘pretty football’. You have Danny Shittu in your side for God’s sake). Also, Kranjcar would get the vote for goal of the week, if it wasn’t for Torres’ first against Rovers.
Adding to that, Spurs beat West Ham at home, Middlesbrough beat Hull to ease- if not totally forget- their relegation troubles for a week at least and Newcastle lost the first half and won the second against Stoke, a team who play like how Iain Dowie looks, to give themselves some hope too.
So, all in all, a great reason to stay in and watch Match of the Day, surely? Not only great entertainment, but also the added spice of guessing who would fill Gary Linekar’s golf shoes for presenting the show? Would the beeb play safe and put in Ray Stubbs? Did they think work experience was ready? What about that Jake kid, from the thing about fast cars and cheating that goes on for 4 hours for no real reason?
As it goes, they went for Stubbs, who should have been more warmed up to the job having presented the credibly structured if a little slow-paced Score around 6 hours before. The only reason I could give for his docile performance, however, was having to deal with an irate Garth Crooks all day, which must be like dealing with a bored 5 year old Jim Carrey on crack while having no arms and a migraine.
I think my viewing pleasure was also ruined by John Motson, who is increasingly becoming a parody of himself. He is slowly running out of absurd things to scream high pitched about so he just gets louder and acts more surprised. It’s surely time to hang up the sheepskin, eh John? And take David Pleat with you please.
So anyway, Match of the Day felt distinctly rushed this week. They’re even starting to call it MOTD on occasions. How are the BBC getting it so wrong at the moment? Their coverage is usually impeccable. The only explanation I can think of is that they’ve lost the will to go on after discovering ITV have an extra year of the FA Cup on their network despite providing the worst coverage of any sporting occasion, ever. And if I were Ray Stubbs, I would rather look after Garth Crooks than sit through another ITV cup ‘special’.
What’s next week? United vs. Everton. On ITV. Christ. Pass the Garth.
The day started with Football Focus, (which every single day should by law) with what looked like the BBC’s work experience kid outside Anfield, talking to the increasingly balloon-like Mark Lawrenson. Tributes, archive footage and summations of that day flooded our screens. To take absolutely nothing away from the anniversary, it was best to get these out of the way. For one, Anfield awaited Blackburn’s visit with emotional anticipation.
As it was, the football did most of the talking this weekend. In fact, I don’t think I have ever been so enthralled by games I was not even watching. Bolton’s fight back against Chelsea was brilliant stuff, especially after everybody mocked Paul Merson for claiming ‘they’re back in it Jeff!’ of Bolton when they scored their first of three. Merson is a dunce but he does add drama well.
Le Tissier got Wigan vs. Arsenal, and added his usual quota (i.e. nothing) to the game’s analysis. No matter what the score is in the game he is assigned, you know he has the Southampton game on instead and is reading the BBC Live Text page to report back to Jeff. As it went, Wigan were harshly done by in the way Arsenal weren’t, with Kieran Gibbs practically showered and dressed before realising the referee only gave him a yellow. Steve Bruce was furious. He looked like an angry grandma.
Manchester United won (again) with a late goal (again) from a substitute (again) called ‘Kiko’ Marcheda (aaaaagain). How much he knew about it, nobody really knows or cares, but he still celebrated like a dick. United still have that same edge over anyone else in the league- the fact that they can dig a result out of nothing. They’re still rocking though.
Portsmouth vs. West Brom would be, so I thought, about as interesting as the first three words of this sentence suggests. But it turned into a great game between two scrappy sides (sorry Baggies, but no matter what you think, you don’t play ‘pretty football’. You have Danny Shittu in your side for God’s sake). Also, Kranjcar would get the vote for goal of the week, if it wasn’t for Torres’ first against Rovers.
Adding to that, Spurs beat West Ham at home, Middlesbrough beat Hull to ease- if not totally forget- their relegation troubles for a week at least and Newcastle lost the first half and won the second against Stoke, a team who play like how Iain Dowie looks, to give themselves some hope too.
So, all in all, a great reason to stay in and watch Match of the Day, surely? Not only great entertainment, but also the added spice of guessing who would fill Gary Linekar’s golf shoes for presenting the show? Would the beeb play safe and put in Ray Stubbs? Did they think work experience was ready? What about that Jake kid, from the thing about fast cars and cheating that goes on for 4 hours for no real reason?
As it goes, they went for Stubbs, who should have been more warmed up to the job having presented the credibly structured if a little slow-paced Score around 6 hours before. The only reason I could give for his docile performance, however, was having to deal with an irate Garth Crooks all day, which must be like dealing with a bored 5 year old Jim Carrey on crack while having no arms and a migraine.
I think my viewing pleasure was also ruined by John Motson, who is increasingly becoming a parody of himself. He is slowly running out of absurd things to scream high pitched about so he just gets louder and acts more surprised. It’s surely time to hang up the sheepskin, eh John? And take David Pleat with you please.
So anyway, Match of the Day felt distinctly rushed this week. They’re even starting to call it MOTD on occasions. How are the BBC getting it so wrong at the moment? Their coverage is usually impeccable. The only explanation I can think of is that they’ve lost the will to go on after discovering ITV have an extra year of the FA Cup on their network despite providing the worst coverage of any sporting occasion, ever. And if I were Ray Stubbs, I would rather look after Garth Crooks than sit through another ITV cup ‘special’.
What’s next week? United vs. Everton. On ITV. Christ. Pass the Garth.
Flog - Away the Lads
April fools! Alan Shearer has taken the reigns at Newcastle! ‘Hahaha!’- we chortled- as every newspaper in England reported the surely false appointment of Newcastle’s favourite son as manager. Then after midday, it continued. Any April fool that happens after midday is bad luck, and, as we all know, newspapers are extremely suspicious like that.
However- shock upon shock- we eventually learnt that the rumbles were in fact true, it’s just that it had broken on an unfortunate day. Come the end of the season people might be talking about how Newcastle had 38 of them over the last 9 months, but nonetheless Shearer has taken on not just his dream job but also a win-win situation. Whenever Newcastle have changed managers over the past seasons, the balding behemoth that is Shearer was always mentioned. The one to save them, galvanise them, make them a force once again. This time, however, the circumstances are of course much different. With 8 games to play- as Alan kept reminding us- Newcastle are looking at the unthinkable. However he has inherited what can only be described as a royal mess of a club, both behind the scenes and on the pitch. After his departure, he will return one day in a full managerial role, and nobody would hold anything against him should he be the man who oversees their demise into the second tier of English football. He would be welcomed back in 10 years. Heaven knows if he keeps them up, he’d be welcomed back in 10 minutes.
It’s that word though -’galvanise’. It’s becoming very overused whenever a new manager is installed at a club. When Redknapp took over at Spurs so early in the season, all the talk was a ‘new, galvanised spirit’ at White Hart Lane. Then, during Tony Adams’ eventually ill-fated stint at Portsmouth where ‘Arry was once so revered, their slump was put down to the lack of a galvanising figure. It doesn’t seem to mean much anymore, except sounding like some sort of heartburn tablet.
As it happened, Newcastle’s heartburn continued, losing 0-2 to Chelsea on Saturday , having already been dealt bad news before a ball had even been kicked by learning Blackburn had beaten Spurs to ease out of trouble for the time being- and more importantly out of reach. Shearer has galvanised Newcastle about as much as Gareth Southgate has galvanised the sales of red ties and waiste-coat combinations.
Yes, all seems to be doom and gloom up in the North East, what with the bottom 4 places in the Premiership being filled by 3 of it’s clubs. Most troubling seems to be Middlesbrough, whose defenders on Saturday against Bolton looked as non-existent as their hopes of staying in the league. Gareth Southgate- I’m sure on the verge of tears- gave a special mention to the next 2 games his side face as being ‘must wins’. Well, yes. I think he’s getting the hang of this management lark.
A good weekend for the top 4 sides, cementing their place as the superior clubs in the league despite Aston Villa’s early attempts to upset the party. Having said that, Villa deserved more than to lose so late in the game at Old Trafford, but we cannot take anything away from the little cocky Italian kid who notched the winner. Great goal, but looks a bit of a dick. That’s what we like!
Liverpool beat Fulham at Craven Cottage in a smug ‘that’s how you do it’ kind of way, with Yossi Benayoun getting the winner in added time. It was crossbar challenge for Liverpool in the 90 minutes before the goal, hitting the woodwork 4 times. I’m sure Benitez is creating a team of absolutely ridiculously good looking footballers, which is why Benayoun is benched each week and Xabi Alonso, Steven Gerrard, Fernando Torres and Pepe Reina (ok, maybe not him, but still) get the glory.
Speaking of ridiculously good looking, Jamie Redknapp has fast become one of the nations favourite pundits for Sky Sports, and rightly so. Finally we have somebody who will tell it like it is and also has at least a relatively recent experience of Premiership football. And he can talk in plain English- none of these cliché’s that seem to roll off the tongues of all pundits, and yes I am looking at you, David Pleat.
However- shock upon shock- we eventually learnt that the rumbles were in fact true, it’s just that it had broken on an unfortunate day. Come the end of the season people might be talking about how Newcastle had 38 of them over the last 9 months, but nonetheless Shearer has taken on not just his dream job but also a win-win situation. Whenever Newcastle have changed managers over the past seasons, the balding behemoth that is Shearer was always mentioned. The one to save them, galvanise them, make them a force once again. This time, however, the circumstances are of course much different. With 8 games to play- as Alan kept reminding us- Newcastle are looking at the unthinkable. However he has inherited what can only be described as a royal mess of a club, both behind the scenes and on the pitch. After his departure, he will return one day in a full managerial role, and nobody would hold anything against him should he be the man who oversees their demise into the second tier of English football. He would be welcomed back in 10 years. Heaven knows if he keeps them up, he’d be welcomed back in 10 minutes.
It’s that word though -’galvanise’. It’s becoming very overused whenever a new manager is installed at a club. When Redknapp took over at Spurs so early in the season, all the talk was a ‘new, galvanised spirit’ at White Hart Lane. Then, during Tony Adams’ eventually ill-fated stint at Portsmouth where ‘Arry was once so revered, their slump was put down to the lack of a galvanising figure. It doesn’t seem to mean much anymore, except sounding like some sort of heartburn tablet.
As it happened, Newcastle’s heartburn continued, losing 0-2 to Chelsea on Saturday , having already been dealt bad news before a ball had even been kicked by learning Blackburn had beaten Spurs to ease out of trouble for the time being- and more importantly out of reach. Shearer has galvanised Newcastle about as much as Gareth Southgate has galvanised the sales of red ties and waiste-coat combinations.
Yes, all seems to be doom and gloom up in the North East, what with the bottom 4 places in the Premiership being filled by 3 of it’s clubs. Most troubling seems to be Middlesbrough, whose defenders on Saturday against Bolton looked as non-existent as their hopes of staying in the league. Gareth Southgate- I’m sure on the verge of tears- gave a special mention to the next 2 games his side face as being ‘must wins’. Well, yes. I think he’s getting the hang of this management lark.
A good weekend for the top 4 sides, cementing their place as the superior clubs in the league despite Aston Villa’s early attempts to upset the party. Having said that, Villa deserved more than to lose so late in the game at Old Trafford, but we cannot take anything away from the little cocky Italian kid who notched the winner. Great goal, but looks a bit of a dick. That’s what we like!
Liverpool beat Fulham at Craven Cottage in a smug ‘that’s how you do it’ kind of way, with Yossi Benayoun getting the winner in added time. It was crossbar challenge for Liverpool in the 90 minutes before the goal, hitting the woodwork 4 times. I’m sure Benitez is creating a team of absolutely ridiculously good looking footballers, which is why Benayoun is benched each week and Xabi Alonso, Steven Gerrard, Fernando Torres and Pepe Reina (ok, maybe not him, but still) get the glory.
Speaking of ridiculously good looking, Jamie Redknapp has fast become one of the nations favourite pundits for Sky Sports, and rightly so. Finally we have somebody who will tell it like it is and also has at least a relatively recent experience of Premiership football. And he can talk in plain English- none of these cliché’s that seem to roll off the tongues of all pundits, and yes I am looking at you, David Pleat.
Flog - What....on Earth...is Flog?
Hello and welcome to Flog, an irreverant look at all things football. From managerial marriages to Mike Ashley turning into a blob of himself, everything is here and updated regularly. Should this take off, a video version will be on the cards, and we'd all like that, wouldn't we children?
Some Flogs are a little backdated due to unforseen circumstances, but hopefully are still enjoyable for all.
Parental Guidance is advised, do not exceed stated dose, if symptoms persist consult your doctor.
Some Flogs are a little backdated due to unforseen circumstances, but hopefully are still enjoyable for all.
Parental Guidance is advised, do not exceed stated dose, if symptoms persist consult your doctor.
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